MDP

A Message from the MDP

2008-06-06T11:07:00.002-04:00

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the brother of the namesake of this site: William "The Refrigerator" Perry. He has recently been hospitalized with what is being called a "frightening health issue".

"The Bears' first-round draft pick out of Clemson in 1985 said he suffered the effects of Guillain Barre Syndrome, which is an inflammatory disorder of the peripheral nerves outside the brain and spinal cord. The symptoms include general weakness of the legs, arms, breathing muscles and face."

Perry is now 45 years young and still every bit the Fridge he was in the past. We would like to wish him a very safe and healthy road to recovery. I guess this means no more celebrity boxing match ups vs. Manute Bol.

Doug Collins Leaves TNT for the Chicago Bulls

2008-05-29T13:39:00.003-04:00

Well, that whole luck thing in getting the first pick of the upcoming June draft is now gone in Chicago. Reports are they they just hired Doug Collins as their next head coach. Collins has been off of the sidelines since the end of the 2003 season. This is exactly what the Bulls need, an out of touch coach. Way to go John Paxon. Well here comes a terrible draft pick. My guess: Othello Hunter, PF, Ohio State. On behalf of the NBA's Central Division, I think you John Paxon. Oh and we all know that Doug isn't doing a victory dance in that photo...

Quick Post...

2008-05-14T12:16:00.001-04:00

IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF SOMEHOW SOMEWAY...

The Cavs win Game 5 and play the way they have in Cleveland...

I'll offer a full apology and retraction to Mike Brown.

That is all.

Thoughts on Game 2

2008-05-09T11:16:00.002-04:00

Please do not take this the wrong way. I want say job well done by the Celtics for their game 2 victory. They did what they were supposed to. They played a good game. I just wasn't impressed. I know everyone is going to write how Boston played stellar defense and all that good jazz, but I just didn't see it. I mean they just were quick on their defensive rotations and capitalized on the opposing team's mistakes. By no means am I trying to take anything away from the overall performance of the Boston Celtics, so if you are preparing to call me a homer or whatever else you want, relax.

The turnovers I saw didn't appear to be a result of the defensive rotations. For example, there was a lose ball and a scrum for the ball ensued. Lebron came away with the ball and threw the ball behind his head to the old lady sitting in the first row. Sure that is just one example, but overall thats what seemed to happen the majority of the time. I just saw the Cavs forcing the action and not, as Spencer has already hit on, running an offense. Driving baseline is a very effective move, but when you have an extra defender in the baseline and are cut off from the hoop, trying to make an acrobatic pass through traffic to someone who isn't there isn't going to work out the majority of the time. Again, this is just an example of normal defense. Sure the defender didn't get beat, but he didn't force a turnover.

Boston's closeouts didn't seem to necessarily force a bad shot or alter any shots. The shots taken by Cleveland seemed to just flat out miss. There were instances when their closeouts caused such results, but that happens when you don't even try on the defensive end. It just happens at various instances in any game.

How can a guy start off 6-6 from the field in the first quarter and then disappear in the second quarter? Big Z has proven that he is a match up nightmare for the Celtics and it just seemed like Cleveland stopped going to him. You saw that after Z made a couple of 15-18 foot jumpers, Boston eased up on Lebron and he got a few layups as a result. That seems like a strategy that could have continued and allowed the Cavs some better looks at the basket. I just think that you should stick with what works until it no longer works. And once again, no offense to Boston, but they didn't really stop that action from happening. The Cavs did. This is just my opinion, but the way I see it, the Cavs did more to lose the game than the Celtics did to win the game.

Either way you look at it, it's a must win game 3 for the Cavs. If they end up getting swept by Boston, who right now is the better team, then I think that Mike Brown deserves to be relieved of his duties as Head Coach. Two good coaches (see D'Antoni, Mike and Johnson, Avery) lost their jobs for doing much more than Mike has. I say this as a supporter of Mike Brown. I like what he does as a coach on the defensive end, but he's proven his incompetence for the overall game of basketball on the offensive end. I think that if he had a more proven assistant who controls the entire offensive side of the ball, think of it like an Offensive Coordinator, on the staff the team would blossom. There is just too much confusion as to the overall method of his madness. Either way, its time to collectively pull your heads out of your asses Cavs.

Fuck You Mike Brown

2008-05-08T21:26:00.002-04:00

Yes, I blame Mike Brown for all of this. Yes, Buzz, this is a fucking hate filled piece, and you know what, if you want, leave a message here, I'll give you my phone number and we can talk it out. I don't give a shit. I fucking can't stand it anymore...what the hell are the Cavs doing out there? Seriously, do they have any idea what the hell is going on?

This goes beyond the players not playing well. I realize they're missing open shots and can't do shit because nobody wants to shoot, but this whole series' bullshit falls squarely on the coach's shoulders. It's not that the Cavs are just getting beat, it's how inept they look against a MEDIOCRE defense. They should be ripping this team apart right now, not running around like a bunch of idiots.

They don't run any god damned plays. Not fucking one. The whole piece of shit offense revolves around LeBron driving and kicking and shooting. That or that STUPID ISOLATION PLAY HE'S BEEN FUCKING RUNNING FOR THE LAST 3 GOD DAMNED YEARS. Teams know this is coming, Mike, you should've realized this by now.

This is more important than a single playoff series with Boston, stop being delusional, we, YES WE, as in Cavs fans, are on borrowed time. LeBron will leave unless he has a winning team around him. Don't argue, because you're just being an idiot if you honestly, truly 100% think that Cleveland has a snowball's chance in hell of keeping him around if we still have this shit going on.

And I don't blame the players. ON PAPER we have a fantastic team that can match up physically with anyone. That is, if we had a coach who had one iota of what he was doing with rotations. Why hasn't Devin Brown played yet this series? You give him heavy minutes during the regular season, and against Washington, and now, he just doesn't fit? COME ON. Damon Jones was having a halfway decent season, why haven't we seen him out there at all? Yet Wally, who can't hit shit; Sasha, who's coming off an injury; and Ben Wallace, who's a fossil; all get time, yet guys who were producing rot on the bench?

WAKE THE FUCK UP.

This is ALL about the coach. Tonight, these assholes weren't ready to play at all, and here we are, beginning of the 4th and I'm watching the Players because it's over. They didn't have a single idea of what they were doing out there. Boston isn't a great defensive team, they're just active. They can be beaten, only if you would run plays that weren't so brazenly predictable, THEY SEE IT COMING A MILE AWAY, MIKE!!!

If this is how we go out this series, this team has some serious decisions to make in the offseason. And I do expect the Cavs to win both of them at home and head back to Boston with the series tied up at 2. But, at this point, the Cavs are winning IN SPITE of Mike Brown, he's not helping a single bit.

LeBron...I feel bad for you having to go out there like that. You don't stand a chance.

And I hate talking like this because it pisses me off. But it's hard not to think like this when you see an asswhooping like we received tonight. I don't like being overly critical, but I'm just upset because we have a chance to get back to the Finals, we have the best player in the league with guys who can make 3's and we're just not putting them into positions where they can succeed. We can win this, still, but we're just in a huge hole right now. God damnit.

Cavs Game 1 Live Blog

2008-05-06T20:33:00.005-04:00

Quarter 1:

-This is definitely the worst broadcast that I've ever seen for a professional sport on any network.It feels like I'm riding in Spencer's car on a given Saturday night: Smoky. On top of that it's the worst played game that I've seen played in a long ass time.

-Two quick fouls for PP. He better be careful some guy in Cleveland (Spencer) doesn't try and stab him in an elevator.

-Boston is making the Cavs terrible start look not as bad, or is it just Wally?

-How many times are we going to see a commerical for the movie "What Happens in Vegas"? You know it's going to be at least 1 per commercial break. I just hope TNT minimizes those stupid in game trailers they run for movies that incorporate the NBA Playoffs.

-I hope Charles Barkley says the words "trbl" at halftime.

-Gibson finally hits a jump shot for the Cavs with about a minute left in the first quarter. Great start.

-I hate Boston, not as much as I hate San Antionio , but i still hate Boston. Wait, let me restate that. I hate the fans of Boston sports. I think their sports teams are pretty decent. I mean I don't really like any teams who aren't from Cleveland, but I can say I don't dislike them. The fans just are one and the same. Cry babies. I hate the Spurs. I have no real reason for such feelings. I just don't like them.

-Posey nailed a fade away three as time expires or so. It was a crazy shot. He just threw it up falling away and it was a pure tickle party baby. Posey sucks too. Do you think he's got the potiental to become the next Robert Horry? He got a ring on that fluke Miami team in the series known as the one the Mavs choked away. Not the one that Miami won... If Boston can turn themselves into a team with regular success, then maybe.

Cavs 15
Celtics 25

Quarter 2:

-The Cavs are still ice cold. Mike Brown was just interviewed by Reggie Miller's brother and he said he thought Wally took some good jump shots. Yea, I'd have to agree with him if those shots were not taken with 20 seconds left on the shot clock.

-Random Cavs fact: Mike Brown has 13 different pairs of the same glasses. All in different colors. Each color to match his suits. Now I can say you learned something today.

-Sam Cassell is still alive? Apparently, because he just threw a tickle party at the top of the arch.

-Hey Sasha had a nice slash to the basket. That could help spark some offense.

-Delonte looks shaken up. Someone on the C's just tried to cheat, go figure... He tried to knock the ball back through the tin. Then a questionable call on a Boobie steal. Then a terrible makeup call on a travel called on the big Lithuanian.

-...And another D Wade and Charles Barkley commercial. I bet T Mobile is ecstatic about D Wade being on the worst team in the leauge. That's money well spend.

-The Cavs are shooting 27% as Z is called for steps again.

-This is seriously one of the worst games that I've ever seen. And remember that I used to run a site for CYO basketball. I've seen some pretty awful 4th grade girls games. This one is up there with the best of 'em.

-Update: Sam Cassell is stil alive. He was just called for an old person foul.

-I don't understand why PJ Brown is playing. Don't they have someone they feel a little bit more confident about his abilities, like Big Baby.

-Blocking foul ont eh C's and the fans boo. Hey wakeup it a legit foul. He needs to be set. And PJ initiated the contact. Chill folks.

-Update: Sam Cassell is still alive and without his ace bandage to wrap around his abdomen.

-Another "What Happens in Vegas" add.

-Flagrant 1 foul on Sam Cassell. Eh, whatever.

-Ben Wallace cannot do shit vs Garnett.

-Big bucket by Wally. Only because its his first of the game after taking 15 shots.

-Joe Smith is playing well overall.

-Wally hits another. Wow. 2 point deficit and the worst coach in the NBA calls a TO.

-PP finally scored, but Wally's still got the green light. Ever hear of the holster? Me either.

-If the C's continue to get the fast break opportunities the Cavs are through. A good fast break is basically indefensible for any team. If you run a good fast break offense and play good team D, you're going to be a pretty tough team to beat.

-You know for having the best record in the leauge, the C's aren't impressing me at all. They have the Cavs shooting like 29% and they are only up 5 with 2 min left in the 2nd quarter. And on top of that, Lebron has one field goal.

-Wally just took it to the chops of either KG or Perking someone else on the C's. I couldn't make out who it was because the broadcast is so foggy.

-I don't understand why Chris Webber is a commentator for TNT. If the general public needs any advise on calling time outs, when the game is on the line, and you know NOT HAVING ANY. Then this move will pay off immensely.

-As a big man I would love poor foul shooters. You basically know that if this guy get to the line then I'm padding my stats with an easy board. I don't mean anything against Ben Wallace, but he did just grab a board off a missed free throw.

-Ben Wallace hit a nice fall away jumper. I repeat: Ben Wallace just hit a nice fall away jumper. I'm still not convinced it just happened, but none the less I'll take the 2 points. Maybe he got the message.

-I think Mike Fratello is awesome. I think he needs to be the next coach of the Pheonix Suns. Just because.

-LBJ had a great pass to Z for a nice strong finish.

-Bad foul from LBJ. Rondo to thie line with 00.2 left on the clock. Fucking zebra's. Always tryin to rain on a parade.

-Halftime. Reggie Miller's brother would crush Rajon Rondo. Rondo sounds like a 7th grade boy. He looks like one too. Not trying to be a dick there. He just looks young.

Cavs 37
Celtics 41

Quarter 3:

-I need to get Mike Fratello's rug guy. That thing looks real. That dude deserves an award.

-The C's are off to a hot start. The Cavs aren't

-I want to see some good basketball soon. I'm almost at the point where I don't care which team accomplishes this. Just so someone does it sometime.

-Lebron is 1-7 and the Cavs are down 3.

-Make down 1. After a sting of turn overs by both teams Delonte pick Ray Ray's pocket on a drive and went coast to coast.

-Lebron is still off.

-Z is actually playing well for the Cavs and is at the line to try to take the lead.

-Z hits both and the Cavs have their first lead in a long time.

-Doc Rivers should take a 20, but he won't because he isn't a good coach.

-Z hits an 18 footer and Doc finally calls that TO. They are now down 3 after being up by as much as 12 to a team that is shooting below 30% from the field. That's not very flattering for the team with the best record in the league.

-Another "What Happens in Vegas" commercial. I'm sure Ashton Kutcher is a big NBA fan. Doesn't he look like Kyle Korver? I wonder if Kutcher has as slick of a jumper.

-KG is having a great game so far. 20 points and 6 boards.

-Educational stat of the day: Lebron James has more playoff victories in his career than the careers of Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett individually.

-The C's are killing themselves and really helping the Cavs out a ton. Thanks. I'll send you a fruit basket or something.

-1-10 from LBJ won't get it done.

-Wally hit a BIG 3 to add to the lead. This is just playing into the hands of the brilliant Mike Brown. I don't know how the guy does it, but he does it.

-Kendrick is doing a great impersonation of Bobby Knight's game face speech, by giving his best one.

-That was LBJ's 8th Goddamn turnover. As PP finally scored again. 4 points for PP and the 7th of the quarter for the C's.

-TO Cavs

-Hey speaking of cheaters, the Indians are beating the Yankees 5-3 in the home half of the 8th. Make that the top of the 9th

-24 second violation on the Cavs. Wally looked like he had about 38 seconds left onthe shot clock for a second there.

-PP flopped, but it was called a charge. Everytime there is contact with LBJ you could argue its a charge. He's just too powerful. For a charge to be called the defensive player needs to be set. If your body is still moving (ie PP's tubby belly flopping) while contact is made, it's a foul on the defender. Lebron to the bench with 4 fouls.

-Andy took an offensive foul and thats 3 on PP. PP was out of control and lost possession of the ball before he went into the air.

-Kendrick Perkins had made a couple of buckets so here and the C's tied it up at 52.

-More slop. Gross. Take care of the ball.

-Sam Cassell is running in slow motion. I didn't think that was possible. Even Wilson doesn't do that. He does waddle though.

-Where has Devin Brown been this game? I don't see him as a match up liability in this series. Why has he seen 0 time.

-End of 3

Cavs 52
Celtics 53

Quarter 4:

-Seriously, is this a 9th grade AAU game? 52-53 after 3? In the NBA? Weaksauce.

-What? Yea, that's right. I said it KG. Wanna fight about it? Well stick your head up my ass and fight for air.

-Another great start to the quarter. 11:12 left and no one has scored yet.

-Big answer from Sasha to a 3 from Posey.

-They are calling it a little ticky tack for PP now that Lebron is out. That was pretty decent D from Sasha.

-Z is having a great game so far. Feel the big horse Mike. FEED HIM.

-Nice steal form Sasha, full court to the hole, and 1. Pretty. Sasha has the necessary tools to become a great role player and a sold NBA performer as he completes the and 1.

-KG still has it workin.

-Cassell is getting me back for calling him old. He just went deep for skittles again.

-I got to see the C's play at the Q earlier this year. It was the game the Cavs won with PP puking on the sidelines. I think he was scared of getting stabbed again... cough could Spencer cough cough.

-Jesus. The Cavs are making so many JV mistakes. Offensive boards into turnovers.

-That was a major ticky tack foul on Z for a reach in and pouring salt on an open wound is Sam Cassell's old ass. Another jumper.

-Wally nails another 3. Wow. Signs of life. Lebron is still 1-10 or 1-11.

-That Wendy's Chicken Go Wraps shit looks way too big in the commercial. I bet they are tiny in actuality. Just some "creative" advertising by some real "creative" people.

-Another commercial for "What Happens in Vegas". But still no in game trailer, so I guess it could be worse. That's like getting excited to only pay $3.45/gallon for gas. Because that was me this morning. $50 for a little more than half a tank of gas. Sweet. I don't care who does it, but someone fix it.

-The Cavs are really fighting out there to keep this game close and to try to pull it out.

-24 second violation on the C's.

-PP's back in. Get scurrrrred bitches.

-10 turnovers for LBJ. Not to change the subject, but how does KG get more MVP votes than Lebron James? All biases aside, that is just wrong.

-Tell me if this is not the worst car commercial ever. Is he selling cars or sex with kids?

-Garnett just traveled by falling over his own feet, but it wasn't called. Come on stripes. Nice pancake action tho from Z.

-TICKLE PARTY, BOOBIE STYLE.

-After that replay, it looked like it went of Perkin's goofy hands, but with 1 second left on the shot clock and its Beantown ball I won't complain.

-24 second shot clock violation on Boston.

-Big shot from Z to put the Cavs up 2. 1:30 left in the game. Boo Ya.

-Garnett witht eh answer.

-Cassell is feisty for a senior citizen. He's going for Z just because he was knocked in the head. Pussy. He's hit the 2 free throws for the foul.

-Big follow from Z. He is really playing his ass off today. Z is the man.

-KG has a great taken vs Joe Smith to go up 2 with 21.4 left in the game. Cavs ball. Let's see what happens here. My guess: Cavs stall and then use their last time out with 9 seconds left to see what Boston comes out in and then draw up a quick hitter to tie the game and force OT.

-Lebron misses the layup and Posey gets the rebound and gets fouled. He's on the line for 2 to go up 4 with 8.5 seconds left. He made the first. He made the second.

-Well Mike Brown and I don't subscribe to the same school of thought with the final seconds of the game. I still would have at least tried to post up Z. Its not like he has been hot or anything.

-C's win a bad one.

Cavs 72
Celtics 76

Attitude Reflects Leadership

2008-04-28T22:26:00.003-04:00

If anyone is from Cleveland and listens to sports talk radio, then you know Mark "Munch" Bishop. I was listening to his broadcast on ESPN Cleveland 850 AM this afternoon on my way home from work, and he made an amazing point about the way the Wizards are playing. Eddie Jordan has set the standard for how hard a hard foul is in the 2008 playoffs. I don't disagree with the idea of making it hard for LeBron to get to the rim and making him earn it at the foul line in the process. But enough is enough already. You are just playing into the hand of LeBron James. He wants you to boo him and chant "Over-rated" when he touches the ball. That way when he succeeds, and you know he will it's just one of those things that you know will happen, he looks like an even bigger hero. You are giving him a reason pull out the improbable to defeat your team.

Don't get me wrong, I have a legitimate man-crush on LeBron and the way he plays basketball. You can't legitimately say anything bad about his game, and the scary part is that he's only 23 years old. If he's gotten this good this quickly, who good is he going to get? God I hope he stays in town... We'll save that for another day.

I'm not advocating a defense making it easier for LeBronto get comfortable by playing timid here. I think its the smart thing to do for any team against the Cavs. Do what you can to keep LeBron out of the lane, when he gets into the lane be physical with him and make him earn it form the line, and make him leave it to his teammates to beat you. I just think Eddie Jordan is just getting a little frustrated. Think about it for a second. The first year the Cavs and Wiz played: LeBron told arguably your best player and unarguably your biggest asset in the series, that when you miss these crucial free throws that would seal a victory and a force a game 7, that he is going to beat you. He told you to pull out your man card and check it at the door, Gil. Honorable mention to that kickin' beard Z had that year. Then the next year all of your best players are hurt in some way and you get swept. Finally, you get your shot at redemption for the previous two years and your team is as healthy it's been in years. Looks like a good situation for you. But no. Eddie Jordan needs to do a better job controlling his team. The sad thing is that if the Wizards would just play basketball and not worry about all that other stuff, you'd probably have a better shot at advancing.

You probably were right on when you said "they are a .500 club since the trade". But you had to go running your mouth and trying to make sure everyone saw you do it, you got distracted and choked. For that you'll never have the privilege of going into a playoff series with your team knowing the fact that no matter what they throw at you, you are going to win. Just because your team has that one player that you know is going to get it done, no matter what.

And for that I hope Boston chokes, after just losing to Atlanta in game 4, to even the series at 2. Because they think they have 3 guys that fit that role and that means they are more deserving. What's that sound I hear? Oh yea its the sound of another KG team fizzling away for not being able to play a 90 game season at the level of intensity that KG requires his teammates to play at. Kinda weird how that always seems to happen.

What the Hell are Pittsburgh and Cincinnati Thinking?

2008-04-28T06:51:00.003-04:00

I love the draft, always have, because you can criticize teams for no reason and speculate the living shit about every little thing. So speculate I will.

Why did Pittsburgh draft Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed with their first two picks when their offensive line is so atrociously bad that they won't block anyone let alone the defensive lines of the hardest schedule in the NFL? What were they thinking? Pittsburgh's starting OL is so bad that it doesn't matter if anyone gets hurt, but if one of those scrubs goes down, they're legitimately done. What good is a RB if you're going to waste his prime years by having him get pounded (along with Willie Parker) every play?

Pittsburgh usually drafts extremely well, but I just don't understand the Mendenhall move. Sure, he's a fantastic talent, but do you put a Ferrari engine in a Kia body? And look at your current RB, Fast Willie...great first round draft pick, wait, he wasn't a first rounder? Oh that's right you found him in the free agency pile after the draft. The Steelers have a ton of talent at QB and the offensive skill positions but they're going to get destroyed behind that gate they call an offensive line.

Sweed I'm a little less down on because he'll need time to develop and won't be expected to contribute right away, but wouldn't that pick have been better served addressing your OL or equally thin, tho more talented, DL? Puzzling.

Cincinnati is less of a talent issue and more of a WTF? issue. Say you're a leaguewide joke of a team because you had over 10 arrests on your team and have had two players suspended due to the conduct policy and garnered the attention from the commish. Now, under said scenario, would the smartest move be to draft a guy who drove his car into an apartment building while HAMMERED DRUNK? Probably not. Well, unless he was wearing his own Bengals jersey, but that's not possible sans Flux Capacitor.

Well, at least the Browns drafted a few good players, Beau Bell is a legit, if undersized, LB who should join the rotation at some point this season and contribute on special teams. Paul Hubbard is an intriguing talent, he just has trouble catching (sounds like Travis Wilson) and Rucker is a dangerous TE who should be a legit threat once he gets the game around his head. I really have no idea about this Rubin kid who's an NT prospect so...yea.

I love draft weekend and I'm sad it's over.

Suck It DeShawn

2008-04-21T21:45:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to go off on some homer rant on why my team is the greatest like a fan from the city of Boson. But I just want everyone who was hatin on the Cavs to take notes on what this team is capable of doing. Not just to the Wizards, but to the entire league I mean you. You can say what you want about them being a .500 club after the trade was made, but you just don't know what this team is going to throw at you. Take that first game after the trade was made vs Milwaukee. Sure the Bucks suck, but they just came out and surprised everyone. Its a wild card factor that no one can strategically counter. That's all I will say. But I leave you with this: 30/9/12. Think about that.

Football Withdrawl

2008-04-15T20:06:00.002-04:00

Let's start it off with some good ol' Michigan hatin'. I love the Dead Schembechlers. Why? Because they hate Michigan. Oh, why not, one more for good measure...

Wow, that's nice. Real nice. Good fuckin' music. Nothing beats pounding vahg while listening to a song that says, "Chad Henne is a dick, a motherfucking dick, a fucked up, sucked up whiny prick, he can't catch a chick, when he fucks, he comes to quick because Chad Henne is a motherfucking dick."

Now let's get down to the meat...THE BROWNS SCHEDULE!!!!!! What a rovery surprise during draft month, 3 Monday Night Football games (which could go to two if the Eagles game gets moved to Thanksgiving night), 1 Sunday Night Football game, a Thursday night NFL Network game and a slew of national spotlight games. The world will see what Brown and Orange rape looks like, especially against those asshole Stillers.

GAME 1: DALLAS COWBOYS

This will be a tough one, lets just be conservative and chalk it up as a loss.

GAME 2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

This will be a win, I have no doubt about it.

GAME 3: at BALTIMORE RAVENS

I want to be conservative and not get crazy...I'm gonna say this is a loss as well. Don't worry lil' Brownies...

GAME 4: at CINCINNATI BENGALS

This will be a win...Think Ocho will still be there? I don't...sinking ship.

GAME 5: NEW YORK GIANTS

This too will be a win, just a gut feeling. Still don't think Eli is THERE yet, but it should be a great game. Can't wait to watch Joe Thomas and the Big Turds go up against MICHAEL STRAHAN, HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS?!?!?!

GAME 6: at WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Win. Washington sucks.

GAME 7: at JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Loss. It'll be a great test for our new D-line, but you can't win em all.

GAME 8: BALTIMORE RAVENS

Win.

GAME 9: DENVER BRONCOS

Hmm...short week because it's a Thursday game, still think this is a win, Denver's D-line is just overmatched by our O-line, simple as that.

GAME 10: at BUFFALO BILLS

Buffalo sucks, still won't hear anything that will convince me otherwise. Trent Edwards is your future? Enjoy Toronto.

GAME 11: HOUSTON TEXANS

Win. Don't like Houston yet, plus Schaub will probably be injured at this point, they still don't have a running game, no matter who they draft, just see them as a team on the rise, but not there yet.

GAME 12: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Remember Week 17 from last year? Yea, me too.

GAME 13: at TENNESSEE TITANS

I don't like the Titans at all. They haven't drafted well and look like a team that's going to be in the top 10 for the next few years just because they have NO depth at any position other than RB.

GAME 14: at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Depends if this is a Thursday game or not...if so, it'll be a little big tougher, well...let's just stay conservative and call this a loss as well.

GAME 15: CINCINNATI BENGALS

This will be a win because it should be shitty weather. Running on the Bengals? Easy as gettin' the clap in New Orleans. Not that I know or anything. Nope. Moving on...

GAME 16: at PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Let's call this a loss too, JUST TO STAY CONSERVATIVE. Don't like it either, but I don't want to look like a typical homer.

So let's get a quick tally...11-5? Should be good enough to win the AFC North, all things considered. Won't be too easy, but I'd say it's do-able, you?

I'm fuckin' excited, can't wait till the fall.

OK, This might be the Greatest Video on Youtube

2008-04-13T11:45:00.003-04:00

A little precursor. I'm a music major and a massive music nerd and I love crazy shit. My three biggest musical influences have been John Coltrane, Steve Vai and Keith Jarrett. For those who have no idea who Keith Jarrett is, he's one of the most gifted pianists in jazz history, seamlessly blending blues, bop and classical influences simultaneously and spontaneously. He's fucking brilliant, his ideas of harmony and melody are something I strove for when I used to actually practice being a good musician. But, one of his quirks, some find it absolutely obnoxious, is that he sings along with his melodic lines when improvising, but it's not really singing, it's more like moaning, grunting, squealing. It's interesting to say the least, I don't mind it, I've just learned to tune out the nastiness, but it's a real turnoff to a lot of people.

But this video is pure fucking genius. It's funny because it's true.

Spencer's Next Ride

2008-04-13T11:36:00.003-04:00

There's only one appropriate response...

Spencer's Newest Mancrush

2008-04-12T11:59:00.004-04:00

I present to you, my newest mancrush, and one of the newest Ohio State Buckeyes, left tackle, Mike Adams. ADAMS is the crown jewel in the most recent tOSU recruiting class, as ballyhooed as Pryor and Posey and Brewster and Shugarts and Sabino...phew, out of breath...and Sweat and Stoneburner and the rest are, Adams is head and shoulders better.

I've watched this video at least 10 times in the last 2 days, that's how incredible it is. I have NEVER, not once, seen this kind of absolute dominance and luminescent polish on a HS offensive linemen, not that I've really been watching that much, but this is otherworldly. I've seen some incredible o-linemen during my limited football playing days and watch the lines pretty closely in college and NFL games, and this kid's potential is limitless, think LeBron James at St. V's or Reggie Bush, A-Rod Sidney Crosby or Tiger Woods...they're just playing a different game.

Let's start with the pass blocking, something HS linemen aren't that adept at, considering the ridiculous run-pass ratios and spread screen formations that get athletic players in space. Adams' is some hand-technique away from being NFL ready, THAT'S how good he is. He's 6'7'' 300 lbs of lean mass, not goo, and he's athletic enough to fan out and make a giant wall that no HS kid can get through. When he locks in, it's over, he's too strong and quick. His push is just disgusting, every clip showed him simply standing guys up and pushing them a yard off with his punch. But as great as his pass blocking is, it'll increase dramatically once he gets the silver bullet on his head for another year.

Run blocking...OH MY FUCKING GOD. There's a word I'm looking for...Our Honor Defend, a great Buckeye blog, described it as 'Rampage mode,' but I don't think that's acceptable. More like lightning quick, all encompassing bulldozer that leaves bodies strewn about like pine needles. That's much better. But seriously, if you watched the above video, you realize how unbelievably ridiculous this kid is. Those slip screens I talked about earlier? Yea, he has, not only the athleticism to get out on the edge, but enough to get out there and lead block AND keep up with the WR. This video is a clinic on how the position is played.

So what does Senator Tressel do? Combine Adams with a similarly vicious run blocker in JB Shugarts out of Houston AND 'come to tOSU' recruiting motherfucker, Michael Brewster, the guy responsible for banding all our amazing class together and instrumental in TP's eventual recruitment. Brewster is just as athletic as Adams, only people claim, and I find this hard to believe, he has the nastiest mean streak out of all 3 of them.

People, do you realize what Tressel has done? Adams is Orlando Pace and Jonathan Ogden combined, Shugarts (at the very least) is Alex Boone 2.0 at RT, and Brewster is most likely going to play center and resembles LeCharles Bentley with a QB's leadership qualities. These guys are going to DESTROY anyone in their path, absolutely stunning. I hope you enjoyed, because in 2009, all these guys are going to be starters and TP will be behind them throwing to Jake Stoneburner and DeVeir Posey. Oh sweet merciful buddah, I can already sense the 2009 game at the Shoe between tOSU and USC will be one for the ages.

Why? Because it was Fucking Awesome

2008-04-11T06:50:00.000-04:00

Yea, this was awesome.

Resemblance: Yes or No?

2008-04-08T09:14:00.002-04:00

Commenter Get off the Schneid has posed a question to me: Does Pierre Niles, the backup F/C for the Memphis Tigers look like the one, the only, Michael Dean Perry? You be the judge.

Chrismas Come Early Part II

2008-04-07T08:53:00.003-04:00

ESPN Insider today is reporting the Eric Slow has played his last game in a report coming from the Akron Beacon-Journal.

About a month ago, the Cavs put Eric Snow on their injury report with a sore left knee, saying he was going to rehabilitate for the playoffs. Now, with his knee still giving him problems and tests showing that he's almost bone-on-bone, Snow, a 13-year veteran and team captain, is coming to terms with his future.

He tore tissue in the knee while getting ready for the season in September and he's not been able to fully heal from surgery he had in October. He's talked to multiple doctors, he's looked at the X-rays and he doesn't foresee recovery.

"I've probably played my last game," Snow said. -- The Akron Beacon-Journal

I loathe Eric Slow. If I was able to get on YouTube at work, I'd post some awesome video's of him missing wide open layups and some of his terrible jump shot, but unfortunately that's not able to happen. Too bad, I'm in the mood for a good laugh. Needless to day in the above pic odds are that 50% that the layup was blocked by Sheed and 100% that the layup was missed one way or the other.

It's been a great year for E. Slow though. He's appeared in 22 games, scoring 22 points, 20 boards, 42 dimes, 10 steals, 4 blocks, all while shooting a whooping 15.8% from the field and 44.5% from the line. How does this guy still have a job in the NBA?

Fantasy Draft Results

2008-04-06T22:03:00.003-04:00

I'm Harry Doyle (Bob Uecker's character in Major Leauge) and I'm also Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year). Spencer096 is Domo Mr. Fukudome. The Dude is Pedro Cerrano (the character in Major League) if you don't know wake bat, and hit self in head with said bat. Hey bartender Jo Boo needs a refil!!

Round 1

1. Álex Rodríguez The Rusty Sy...

2. Hanley Ramírez MK Binz

3. Albert Pujols Pedro Cerrano

4. José Reyes Bisons

5. David Wright Henry Roweng...

6. Miguel Cabrera BasedOnBalls

7. Chase Utley Slider's bro...

8. Matt Holliday Captain Pat ...

9. Jimmy Rollins Harry Doyle

10. Johan Santana Only Draftin...

Round 2

1. Grady Sizemore Only Draftin...

2. Ryan Howard Harry Doyle

3. Prince Fielder Captain Pat ...

4. Alfonso Soriano Slider's bro...

5. Carl Crawford BasedOnBalls

6. David Ortiz Henry Roweng...

7. Jake Peavy Bisons

8. Vladimir Guerrero Pedro Cerrano

9. Ryan Braun MK Binz

10. Carlos Beltrán The Rusty Sy...

Round 3

1. Víctor Martínez The Rusty Sy...

2. Brandon Phillips MK Binz

3. Russell Martin Pedro Cerrano

4. Ichiro Suzuki Bisons

5. Magglio Ordóñez Henry Roweng...

6. Mark Teixeira BasedOnBalls

7. Brandon Webb Slider's bro...

8. B.J. Upton Captain Pat ...

9. Curtis Granderson Harry Doyle

10. Manny Ramírez Only Draftin...

Round 4

1. Travis Hafner Only Draftin...

2. Josh Beckett Harry Doyle

3. Carlos Lee Captain Pat ...

4. C.C. Sabathia Slider's bro...

5. Derek Jeter BasedOnBalls

6. Troy Tulowitzki Henry Roweng...

7. Bobby Abreu Bisons

8. Robinson Canó Pedro Cerrano

9. Álex Ríos MK Binz

10. Erik Bedard The Rusty Sy...

Round 5

1. Cole Hamels The Rusty Sy...

2. Justin Morneau MK Binz

3. Jonathan Papelbon Pedro Cerrano

4. Chone Figgins Bisons

5. Torii Hunter Henry Roweng...

6. Brian Roberts BasedOnBalls

7. Lance Berkman Slider's bro...

8. Aramis Ramírez Captain Pat ...

9. Dan Haren Harry Doyle

10. Derrek Lee Only Draftin...

Round 6

1. Joe Nathan Only Draftin...

2. Joe Mauer Harry Doyle

3. Adam Dunn Captain Pat ...

4. Chipper Jones Slider's bro...

5. Aaron Harang BasedOnBalls

6. Justin Verlander Henry Roweng...

7. J.J. Putz Bisons

8. Hideki Matsui Pedro Cerrano

9. Carlos Guillén MK Binz

10. Carlos Peña The Rusty Sy...

Round 8

1. Brian McCann Only Draftin...

2. Dustin Pedroia Harry Doyle

3. Hunter Pence Captain Pat ...

4. Brad Penny Slider's bro...

5. Corey Hart BasedOnBalls

6. Kenji Johjima Henry Roweng...

7. John Lackey Bisons

8. Ryan Zimmerman Pedro Cerrano

9. Nick Markakis MK Binz

10. Rafael Furcal The Rusty Sy...

Round 9

1. Francisco Cordero The Rusty Sy...

2. Chris Young MK Binz

3. Orlando Cabrera Pedro Cerrano

4. Mariano Rivera Bisons

5. Kelly Johnson Henry Roweng...

6. Daisuke Matsuzaka BasedOnBalls

7. Carlos Zambrano Slider's bro...

8. Miguel Tejada Captain Pat ...

9. Adrián Béltre Harry Doyle

10. Michael Young Only Draftin...

Round 10

1. Kosuke Fukudome Only Draftin...

2. Jeff Francoeur Harry Doyle

3. Takashi Saito Captain Pat ...

4. Khalil Greene Slider's bro...

5. Roy Halladay BasedOnBalls

6. Ben Sheets Henry Roweng...

7. Vernon Wells Bisons

8. John Smoltz Pedro Cerrano

9. José Valverde MK Binz

10. Jermaine Dye The Rusty Sy...

Round 11

1. Scott Kazmir The Rusty Sy...

2. Chris Young MK Binz

3. Andruw Jones Pedro Cerrano

4. Billy Wagner Bisons

5. Francisco Liriano Henry Roweng...

6. Javier Vázquez BasedOnBalls

7. Todd Helton Slider's bro...

8. Adrián González Captain Pat ...

9. Chien-Ming Wang Harry Doyle

10. Matt Cain Only Draftin...

Round 12

1. Alex Gordon Only Draftin...

2. Tim Lincecum Harry Doyle

3. Bobby Jenks Captain Pat ...

4. Tim Hudson Slider's bro...

5. Nick Swisher BasedOnBalls

6. Kevin Youkilis Henry Roweng...

7. Phil Hughes Bisons

8. Brett Myers Pedro Cerrano

9. James Shields MK Binz

10. Howie Kendrick The Rusty Sy...

Round 13

1. Gary Matthews Jr. The Rusty Sy...

2. Trevor Hoffman MK Binz

3. Dan Uggla Pedro Cerrano

4. Carlos Delgado Bisons

5. A.J. Burnett Henry Roweng...

6. Shane Victorino BasedOnBalls

7. Jason Varitek Slider's bro...

8. Huston Street Captain Pat ...

9. Mike Lowell Harry Doyle

10. Yovani Gallardo Only Draftin...

Round 14

1. Clay Buchholz Only Draftin...

2. Rich Harden Harry Doyle

3. Rich Hill Captain Pat ...

4. Jason Bay Slider's bro...

5. Jake Westbrook BasedOnBalls

6. Matt Capps Henry Roweng...

7. Mark Reynolds Bisons

8. Brad Hawpe Pedro Cerrano

9. Manny Corpas MK Binz

10. Gary Sheffield The Rusty Sy...

Round 15

1. Jered Weaver The Rusty Sy...

2. Brad Lidge MK Binz

3. John Maine Pedro Cerrano

4. Johnny Damon Bisons

5. Jim Thome Henry Roweng...

6. Kyle Lohse BasedOnBalls

7. Ryan Garko Slider's bro...

8. Chad Cordero Captain Pat ...

9. Frank Thomas Harry Doyle

10. Rickie Weeks Only Draftin...

Round 16

1. Tom Gorzelanny Only Draftin...

2. Derek Lowe Harry Doyle

3. Joba Chamberlain Captain Pat ...

4. Joe Borowski Slider's bro...

5. Matt Kemp BasedOnBalls

6. Jeremy Bonderman Henry Roweng...

7. J.J. Hardy Bisons

8. Chad Billingsley Pedro Cerrano

9. Carlos Mármol MK Binz

10. A.J. Pierzynski The Rusty Sy...

Round 17

1. Jason Isringhausen The Rusty Sy...

2. Jeff Francis MK Binz

3. Paul Konerko Pedro Cerrano

4. Jason Kendall Bisons

5. Barry Zito Henry Roweng...

6. Jeremy Accardo BasedOnBalls

7. David DeJesús Slider's bro...

8. Pedro Martínez Captain Pat ...

9. Joakim Soria Harry Doyle

10. Rafael Betancourt Only Draftin...

Round 18

1. Ken Griffey Jr. Only Draftin...

2. B.J. Ryan Harry Doyle

3. Rafael Soriano Captain Pat ...

4. Johnny Cueto Slider's bro...

5. George Sherrill BasedOnBalls

6. Orlando Hernández Henry Roweng...

7. Andy Pettitte Bisons

8. Ted Lilly Pedro Cerrano

9. Iván Rodríguez MK Binz

10. Yunel Escobar The Rusty Sy...

Round 19

1. Jon Rauch The Rusty Sy...

2. Édgar Rentería MK Binz

3. Kevin Gregg Pedro Cerrano

4. Bill Hall Bisons

5. Todd Jones Henry Roweng...

6. Cliff Lee BasedOnBalls

7. Garret Anderson Slider's bro...

8. Geovany Soto Captain Pat ...

9. Pat Burrell Harry Doyle

10. Jhonny Peralta Only Draftin...

Round 20

1. Josh Hamilton Only Draftin...

2. Jason Giambi Harry Doyle

3. Juan Pierre Captain Pat ...

4. Josh Willingham Slider's bro...

5. Richie Sexson BasedOnBalls

6. Casey Blake Henry Roweng...

7. Melky Cabrera Bisons

8. Plácido Polanco Pedro Cerrano

9. James Loney MK Binz

10. Ty Wigginton The Rusty Sy...

Round 21

1. Oliver Pérez The Rusty Sy...

2. Raúl Ibañez MK Binz

3. Stephen Drew Pedro Cerrano

4. Jeff Kent Bisons

5. Rick Ankiel Henry Roweng...

6. Justin Upton BasedOnBalls

7. Kerry Wood Slider's bro...

8. Dustin McGowan Captain Pat ...

9. Dmitri Young Harry Doyle

10. Adam Wainwright Only Draftin...

Round 22

1. Andrew Miller Only Draftin...

2. Asdrubal Cabrera Harry Doyle

3. Ian Snell Captain Pat ...

4. Troy Glaus Slider's bro...

5. Edwin Encarnación BasedOnBalls

6. Álex González Henry Roweng...

7. Michael Cuddyer Bisons

8. Aaron Rowand Pedro Cerrano

9. Tony Peña MK Binz

10. José López The Rusty Sy...

Round 23

1. Xavier Nady The Rusty Sy...

2. Joe Blanton MK Binz

3. Hank Blalock Pedro Cerrano

4. Ian Kennedy Bisons

5. Lastings Milledge Henry Roweng...

6. Julio Lugo BasedOnBalls

7. Dontrelle Willis Slider's bro...

8. Orlando Hudson Captain Pat ...

9. Milton Bradley Harry Doyle

10. Jarrod Saltalamacchia Only Draftin...

Drew Gooden is a F*cking Soldier

2008-04-03T09:06:00.003-04:00

This is an excerpt from espn.com's insider:

Drew Gooden visited a specialist for the strained abdominal muscle that sidelined him for a second straight game. Gooden said he wouldn't shut his season down. "Ain't no chance at all," he said. "I just need a couple of days' rest."

Way to tough it out Drew. You are earning your paychecks now!

The Neck Beard Speaks too Much

2008-03-28T10:17:00.004-04:00

Thanks to the guys over at Basketbawful, I have been reminded why I spent 3 1/2 years mocking Drew Gooden's very existence. He has been quoted as saying the following:

"Yes, I can. And I will continue to work to get better at it. This is something that's not new to me, but I've got to brush off some of the old tools and put them back into use. Because I have had a couple years [playing with LeBron James] where I was the guy that goes out, works hard and grabs rebounds and becomes a defender with offensive capabilities...

"I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes.

"I believe that I can do it all. And confidence is the number one factor when it comes to offense. I can score in the post; I can score with my back to the basket, face up."

My big problem with Drew is that he thinks he can be and should be considered the same caliber player as other PF's by the likes of Dwight Howard, Boozer, Nowitzki, KG, Al Jeff and so on. Drew, you're not anywhere near those guys. Not even close buddy. Your problem is that when you get the ball, you think that you are the one who should be making the "big play" or the "highlight reel" dunk. You can't consistently hit a 10-17 foot jumper, but you think you can shoot. For a guy who is 6'10" and 250lbs. you are a distinct waste of size. You're not content just being a role player and for that you'll always be good enough to have a job in the NBA, but you'll never have the attitude to be a solid contributer on any team. Congrats, you beat up on the Atlanta Hawks. Sure they are having a good season by Hawk standards, but come on, one good game in your last who the hell knows how many. Great follow up performance. Thats the Drew I've come to know and hate.

I'm glad he's gone from the Cavs. Sure his PER has gone up significantly since joining the Bulls, but whose wouldn't? You're playing for a team who doesn't have a coach. You're playing for a team that is 22 1/2 games out of first in their division, that is 3-7 in their last 10, that is the 8th worst team in the league, and the 4th worst in the division. Luckily, you're still in the East, Drew. The Bulls are miraculously only 3 games out of the final playoff spot. That's sure a step up too. You went from a team with consecutive 50 win seasons to a team that can't spell consecutive. You have no one to answer to. You have the green light whenever because no one cares. Your coach won't be there next year, so he's just happy to be calling the shots. You're career is destined to take off from here...

In his final half season with the Cavs, Drew had this strange habit of looking at his hands if he were ever to make a few jumpers in a row. Yeah Drew, we are all just as surprised as you are that you hit 3 consecutive 10 foot jumpers. My 7th graders could do that on a consistent basis. This is a guy who says he feels like he can "shoot threes". Surprisingly he's taken 133 three point attempts in his illustrious career, making a whopping 30 of them for a 22.6% average. Here Drew, this is what I'll do for you. I'll write a letter to your coach for you:

Dear Jim Boylan,

Please design your next game plan around Drew's outside shooting touch and his finesse from beyond the arch. Please? At least try it on the last game of the year. What do you have to lose? It'll go down in history as the greatest single performance by a neck beard. And by greatest single performance I mean funniest single performance.

Thanks,

The Real A.C.

How can he insinuate that playing with Lebron James has hurt his career/production? Thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Yeah Drew, I 'd hate playing with the best player in the league too. I mean Lebron only gets every player on the court involved and does everything for his team. That sounds terrible. News flash Drew, you're not as good as you think you are. You need to just keep your mouth shut. If you are quiet and just play the game the way that its supposed to be played, you could be a decent player. You have the size to do it. Just stop trying to be a super star every time you get some touches. You'll never be the player you want to be. Be happy you have a job in the league and fill the role that your team asks you to fill; be a team player. Oh and stop doing stupid things like dunking the ball and hanging on the rim to show off after the whistle has blown. How old are you, 12? I will say that he does have a killer beard (the one on his face, not on his neck).

[Basketbawful]

Michigan Schadenfreude

2008-03-28T09:19:00.002-04:00

I'm loving every second of watching Michigan's football program crumble into the 2008 version of Notre Dame. There isn't much more to it than that, it's just rovery to observe on the greener side.

Oh, Michigan, you're academic superiority does not corrollate to your football team, where are your excuses now? Having a professor distribute grades totally fucks your program up, and because you've all been such asshats, crying, "but our athletes take hard classes," every chance you got, only to get slapped in the face by the salmon of hypocrisy. Since UM athletes were being given grades, why did they suck so bad? They should've rocked seeing as they didn't have to concentrate on class, only football.

That's right...bad coaching, bad organization. Way to go Martin! Way to fire Lloyd 3 years too late and way to hire the biggest douchebag in the college ranks not coaching at an SEC school. The dude you just hired has completely sullied your pristine flagship, dragged it's image through the mud, first with his divorce from WVU, then through his sleazy recruiting tactics, through his utter failure to maintain good, promising players, and finally through Boren.

Boren, the talented offensive lineman, son to a father who played under Bo Shembechler, has left the program. Not only that, but his father, a Wolverine to the core, says he would rather pay for his son to play at OSU than go to UM for free. All the while, UM fans crying that Boren just didn't like the conditioning program and was a pussy. When a Wolverine father says that he would PAY for his son to go to OSU, you know something isn't right, things like that just don't happen.

So a lot of the peckerheads on UM blogs have been chattering, "this is just like Bo's first year," in reference to trying to weed out all the soft players. Sure, that's a reasonable enough scenario if the coach you brough in is a stabilizing force, but Rich Rod is the antithesis of that. The guy, who in 4 months on the job, has rocked the boat so hard that there is legitimate panic at a school that has no business being outside the top 25 every year, is the one being counted on to correct a wrong.

Michigan, despite my hatred, has always been a classy, model program, free of bullshit like OSU got into at the tail end of the Cooper years. The bedrock for a stable NCAA football program is creating a unifying identity, a characteristic that all the players embody and fans can identify with. Tressel has done an admirable job of that at OSU, and Lloyd did a great job of that pre-Tressel at UM. But Rich Rod is supposed to do that now? That's a tall task to charge with a guy who a year ago said he was at his dream job.

Throughout the years, UM has been relatively free of assholes like Clarrett, guys who get in trouble and act a fool, and now that lifelong Wolverines are disgusted with the program to the point of jumping ship, you just know something isn't right. Now, I'm not jumping to conclusions and saying that UM made the wrong choice and they're going to suck and Rich Rod is getting fired in 2 years, but...things have gotten off to a choppy start.

To be perfectly honest, I think that Rich Rod is going to be a pretty successful coach at UM once he gets his style of players in. I say pretty successful because John Cooper was pretty successful...in every area except one. As much as I try and stay cool and levelheaded, I just see the OSU program having far to big of a head start for Rich Rod to honestly challenge in the next 4 years. Even if Rich Rod magically coaxes 4 consecutive top 5 recruiting classes together, the holes will still be there and they'll only be on par with OSU, if even. The cupboard in Ann Arbor is almost completely bare, with maybe a few prospects garnering interest.

Now, all this is fun and everything, but let's temper our excitement. It's great seeing Michigan get dragged through the mud ad nasuem and have their shining ship get bird shit all over it, but as OSU fans, we've put all our chips in the middle, eerily similar to Michigan from last season. It wasn't too long ago that Michigan was returning 3 superstars and had a top 5 team heading into the season with all sorts of swagger and success. Picked by most to win the Big 10 and be a National Championship contender, it's fun to say Michigan fell just a wee bit short of their expectations.

OSU is that school now, with numerous returning starters and lofty goals. But what worries me is not finding the Appalachian State in the haystack, but finding a pissed off Michigan team with something to prove in the final game of the season. Rich Rod can't win big games as a favorite, there's no doubt about that, but as Georgia found out a few years ago in the Sugar Bowl, he can fire up some guys to play with a massive chip on their shoulder as an underdog.

What tempers that worry is the fact that he doesn't have the guys in place yet to do that kind of damage. And that Georgia team was in no way as good as this OSU team is, so am I worried about the Big Game? Not right now, that'll have to wait until we see how each team looks during the season. But, all I'm saying is IF we get upset...a big IF...there's no escaping that one. A loss like that would hurt far worse than Florida and LSU combined, and frankly, my sights are on the USC game.

So we'll see this season, it should be interesting. Oh, and you should be proud of me...I didn't mention Terrelle Pryor once.

Buckeyes Add Tennessee Vols to the Schedule

2008-03-27T13:53:00.006-04:00

THE Ohio State University football team has added the Tennessee Volunteers to their schedule for the 2018 and 2019 seasons. It will be a home and home series with the first game being held in Neyland Stadium on September 1, 2018 and then they come to the Horseshoe on September 7, 2019.

This year Ohio State will travel to Southern Cal for the start of a two year home and home series. In 2010 they will host the U, Miami University for another home and home two year series. I believe after that series is up, the Buckeyes have added Oklahoma University to the schedule for another home and home. The Buckeyes have bolstered their roster and their schedule for the upcoming years. For those of you out there who hate the sweater vest and THE Ohio State University, get ready because you're going to be seeing a lot of them in the future.

I mean they had to do something, Michigan just isn't enough competition anymore... That's right I said it. Stick it up your ass Rich Rod.

What Major League Ball Player Are You?

2008-03-27T10:44:00.004-04:00

What Major League Baseball Player are you?

I ended up getting Prince Fielder. I don't know how that's possible. I'm tall and skinny. Prince is a little on the portly side. Oh and I don't hate my dad.

It's a slow day in the football helmet world, so I'll probably do this quiz like 4 times today to see who else I come out as. Just a little something for those who are also bored at work. Enjoy.

[The Big Lead]

Browns Resign Special Teams Linebacker Kris Griffin

2008-03-27T10:08:00.003-04:00

Browns update. They have resigned a top Special Teams player, Kris Griffin. Griffin, 6-3 and 245 pounds was fifth on the team with 14 Special Teams tackles. He missed the last four games of the season with a knee injury, but he still had a productive season. Well, as productive of a season as you can have on Special Teams. In years past this would have been a worthless signing, because the Browns didn't score much so there wasn't really a major need for many LB's on ST unless they are there for blocking purposes. Now that the Browns can hopefully stop other teams from scoring and can actually score, thumbs up Phil.

Congrats Joe Tait on 3,000 games with the Cavs

2008-03-26T21:33:00.003-04:00

Just a quick congratulations to Joe Tait, the radio announcer for the Cleveland Cavaliers on 1100 AM WTAM. Tonight he has called his 3,000th game with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Though it was a losing effort, it was a great game versus the New Orleans Hornets who won their 49th game of the season and are currently in first place in the Western Conference.

Tait is a surefire Hall of Famer who has been with the Cavs on and off from their inaugural year in the league through the 1982-83 season and then every year from then to now. I believe he also calls football games for Division III football powerhouse and big rival of my alma mater, Mount Union College. If you haven't had the pleasure of listening to a Cavs broadcast on the radio to hear Joe call a game, then the next time you're in the Cleveland area try to tune in. Not to sound like a d-sack or anything, but he really does a good job.

David West won the game with 0:00.6 seconds left on the clock. Lebron James gave the Cavaliers the lead with 6.8 seconds left in the game with a great drive to the iron and strong finish. However, Chris Paul's (the best PG in the league, no questions asked) performance was too much finishing with 15 and 20. Anyway, congrats again Joe and "hhhave a goooooood night evvvvvverybody".

Cleveland Browns to Wear White Throwback Helmets

2008-03-25T09:50:00.003-04:00

Apparently the Browns are going to honor the 1946-49 AAFL dynasty that won four consecutive championships. My buddy who I work with is also a member of the Field Crew for the Browns and he dropped off some white helmet shells and the equipment manager for the Browns was just going to experiment with some color schemes, but apparently this is going to be official for some training camp or possibly a regular season game in this coming season.

The color scheme is going to be an all white helmet, a light gray facemask, the same striping style only two brown outside stripes and this time with an orange inside stripe down the middle of the helmet, and a brown player number on the side of the helmet. It sounds cool to me. I'm a big fan of white helmets and light gray facemasks, not to sound queer or anything.

The question Spencer asked me though is, what uniforms will they wear with them? I think all white would be pimpin. Though the browns really don't have many color combinations to choose from, but all white seems to be the best fit. It would be an especially nice fit, beacuse in the picture I linked to above as them in all white uni's there. So just to be consistent, we'll say white.

[Uni Watch]

Spencer's Stoned Thoughts: Terrelle Pryor

2008-03-20T17:08:00.002-04:00

This is gonna be another quasi-regular segment where I rant for a little bit after I get home from work and smoke weed...

So the Bucks got Terrelle Pryor huh? FUCKIN A!!!!!!!!!

There is no downside, no contracts, no NFL hoopla here...Senator Tressel just made the rest of the Big 10 go, "oh fuck no." I like to consider myself an objective observer, sure I root for my teams no matter the situation, but unlike certain members of this blog...cough cough AC cough...I can see things from an impartial angle...yea, that's right, I went there.

Anyways, there is nothing you can say that's bad about Terrelle Pryor coming to Ohio State. Not one damned thing. Not a single motherfucking, sextopian, ass raping thing. He's the shit, he's number one, he's the best. Period. Senator Tressel just fucking rocked this shit and OSU is better for it all over.

There will be an ungodly amount of points scored, why, because Pryor is the best. I have an official, Tebow sized mancrush on Terrelle Montavious Pryor. His middle name isn't Montavious, but it sounds badass, dignified, a name of POWER AND PRESTIGE, so I'm gonna roll with it and squirt scarlet and gray man juice all over everything Maize and Blue...seriously, it's not blue assholes, it's navy, get it right.

OSU has some serious shit going on right now...JB Shuggarts, Michael Brewster, Mike Adams...all HOSSES on the O-line and the foundation for something seriously special. These guys were all highly ranked O-line recruits, and by all accounts, each have the right mindset to be serious players at the highest level, the base layer for success. DeVier Posey is a serious stud WR, a guy with height, size, speed and hands. Jake Stoneburner is a TE, but TE's don't normally run 4.4 40 dashes at 6'5''.

But why stop there? Look at the Rivals.com rankings...top 10 rush DE, check, top 10 pass DE, check, top 10 DT, check. Etienne Sabino, I probably mispelled his first name but who cares, is the best MLB recruit in the nation. So, wow, that's some serious talent being brought in.

We still have Saine, Beanie for another year, a loaded defense and offense...so what did Senator Tressel do? Only bring in this ridiculous stud QB who has the POTENTIAL to be one of the game's best. Sure there are the usual disclaimers like Xavier Lee sucking and Ron Powlus sucking and Insert-QB-recruit-with-5 stars Here sucking. But why think about that? Why not consider that this guy just destroyed the Army All-American game with contributions from the aforementioned recruits coming in? Or the fact that he's not facing the pressure that other guys pressed too early into playing time faced? I prefer to reflect on those lovely thoughts.

So, in short, I'm extremely pleased with this development, it's a great shot in the arm to a program who was a little disappointed following consecutive National Championship disasters, and things are looking extremely bright. This is great for OSU because Michigan doesn't get him, and by most accounts, will suck something fierce this year. Now we can focus on the future and look towards winning even more than we have already, which might be almost impossible, but I like to dream. So I'm extremely pleased and will dance and jig until my pants fall down from exhaustion.

Yay.

Terelle Pryor Picks...

2008-03-19T15:21:00.003-04:00

Terrelle Pryor has chosen THE Ohio State University as his college of choice after a much anticipated wait for his high school basketball season to come to an end. This has further solidified OSU's dominance over the nation in college football. God, I can't wait to see Rich Rod cry once a year for three years. Go Bucks!

12 Minutes till Pryor Commits

2008-03-19T11:47:00.001-04:00

...not much else to add. If it's OSU, I pee myself in glee. If it's Michigan, I pee myself in anger. If it's anyone else, meh.

Spencer096's NCAA Bracket

2008-03-18T09:05:00.003-04:00

The Real A.C.'s NCAA Bracket

2008-03-17T22:58:00.006-04:00

Why I Hate the NCAA Tournament

2008-03-17T08:43:00.002-04:00

I'm officially done with the NCAA tournament, DONE, one bracket but no wagers, nothing else. Because after hearing all the shit about brackets for the last 5 days, I could give 2, nay, 3 shits less about the whole thing. Why waste my time? My pick to go all the way usually ends up losing in the 2nd round to some team from New Hampshire, which should be fun because I love upsets, but not when it's ruining your fun, so there's that. And it's not just the fact that I'm a sore loser in general, it's that the whole charade is a lame excuse to gamble, really that's the only reason the whole thing is still such a big deal.

I used to love college basketball, but the whole high-school phenomenon ruined the sport for good, and try as they might, the one-year limit isn't going to rekindle that fire. The reason college basketball sucks now is because the stars that are there, aren't there long enough to make an indelible impact on their school. Do you really think Derrick Rose gives two shits about Memphis or that Michael Beasley is going to Kansas State because he loves Manhattan, Kansas? So that leaves us with the majority of college basketball being played by entire teams of role players...not fun.

The game, frankly, sucks. I don't like seeing teams like Butler become efficient giant killers because they can hit a mid-range jumper, that for some reason, counts for 3 points. Now, I'm all in favor of keeping the 3-point line where it is in college, otherwise the athletic teams would just steamroll. But its the reliance on the 3-pointer that kills me...and that's something that'll never change.

It's just terrible to watch this shit being pawned off as basketball, there's no grace or flow to the game anymore because the great basketball talents go play for a team where they can be a one-man show, and the great 'teams' are a bunch of unathletic white dudes (see: Duke) who can hit 3's. Even the athletic teams like Michigan State and Memphis are so poorly coached that while they'll have some great open court action, their fundamentals are so fucking awful that what they're playing is closer to football than basketball. And have you seen Wisconsin play basketball? They make the Spurs-Pistons Final (which I happened to enjoy immensly...Detroit lost and that rules) look like an ABA game.

So that leaves us with the precious few good teams that are actually fun to watch. North Carolina is a great team that I'd actually go out of my way to watch play despite my complete and utter disdain for Tyler Hansborough (who I'm coming around to) and Roy Williams. UCLA is easily the smartest team out there and can play a complex style of basketball that's the most like the NBA, oh and they actually play defense too. Kansas is OK, they could beat any team in the country or they could totally brainfart and look like they all want to punch Bill Self right in the face. I hate Memphis, Tennessee, Georgetown, Duke...that's just not aesthetically pleasing basketball.

More than anything, I hate the personalities. Coach K and Roy Williams make me wish there was a scenario where they both could lose...and then become deaf and blind. Joe Lunardi is a pathetic number-cruncher, I'd say he was like NCAA basketball's Mel Kiper Jr., but Mel is my man and that would hurt his feelings. ESPN's constant shoving-down-our-throats of Hubert Davis and Dick Vitale is going to make me vomit one of these days if they're not careful...but most of all Digger Phelps. Digger is a flat out fool, he has no idea what he's talking about, and he always looks angry, why are you angry Digger? ESPN pays you to do a terrible job. You're like an eloquent Emmitt Smith.

The thing that hurts me the most tho is the fact that I usually enjoy the tourney because of the atmosphere. Plus, once you eliminate the chaff, the cream rises and you're left with some pretty solid basketball. I like Bobby Knight and Jay Bilas. I love anything Gus Johnson announces and even don't mind Billy Packer despite the fact that he's to the ACC as Mark May is to the SEC in NCAA football. And it sucks because I'm the kind of person who will watch these regular season games out of habit. What's on TV? Jack shit...oh wait, Virginia Tech vs. Maryland is on...well, might as well get stoned and watch this shit. I have an opinion on most of the teams regularly televised, yet remain put off. And I blame it completely on ESPN.

So I will be doing only one 'bracket' and posting it on here, it won't be an ESPN bracket because they ruined the fun of the whole thing. So fuck you Digger Phelps.

Just A Great Pic for a Friday

2008-03-14T16:03:00.003-04:00

Tempered Thoughts on the New Browns

2008-03-12T19:06:00.002-04:00

Now that the sheen has somewhat worn off and we've had some time to reflect, the Browns certainly made some ballsy moves that may, or may not, pay off. I'm going to word-sex the new dudes up, because I have a few concerns and a few happies to get off my hairy, MANLY chest...

Shaun Rogers: He's the key offseason acquisition, there's no doubt about that. When you run a 3-4, sans good NT, your defense most likely sucks man ass, which ours most certainly did last year. But Rogers is a big man with a big ol' bag hanging over his belt, which is either a good thing or bad depending on your perspective. I was all a-twitter when I first heard the news because, like his effort or not, when he feels like it, he is one of the most disruptive interior forces in the league, and that could be an understatement. I'm sure you've all seen the INT return from last year against the Broncos, a man that size should not be able to run like that, it's just not human.

But he DOES take plays off and his conditioning is definitely an issue that will be a situation to monitor throughout the season. But, unlike Florio at PFT and MDS at various outlets, I LOVE this signing. Rod Marinelli's hybrid Cover 2 was not a good fit for a guy like Rogers because he had Rogers playing the Warren Sapp role which only a few guys that size can execute. There's a reason quick defensive tackles with a ridiculous motor are among the most prized players in the league, and let's face it, if you're carrying 325 lbs+, it's hard to be in tip-top shape WHILE maintaining that kind of mass. Being an NT is just as demanding, but you don't have to move all the time like Marinelli wanted.

I think Romeo is a great guy for Rogers to learn under because he's versatile and talented and can be moved all around the line with similar results. Romeo is a player's coach and will do everything in his power to keep Rogers motivated and productive for at least this coming season. The money is an issue, Rogers better stay hungry and effective, otherwise his contract is going to weigh almost as much as he does.

Grade: A. A guy like Rogers is simply too valuable to discount without some play under his belt.

Corey Williams: Another great signing. He's an active DT that should seemlessly slide into a 3-4 DE role without many headaches, and motivation is not a factor with this guy. He's played hungry from the day he stepped onto an NFL field, and has been disruptive and a pain for offensive blockers for as long as he's been playing.

While he will be playing a new position, it's not that much different in terms of responsibility from what he did in Green Bay. He'll most likely be playing strong-side DE, which means he'll be lining up either in the guard-tackle gap or the head up on the right tackle, a much easier guy to get around or through than a left tackle usually is. When the Browns go to a 4 man front in nickel or dime situations, the interior pair of Rogers and Williams will be a massive pain for teams who don't have the beef in the middle (like the Steelers) or Williams can stay on the strong-side end and Shaun Smith can slide into the middle creating havoc for teams that rely on quicker linemen (like the Broncos and Texans).

Williams' versatility is key here. It's going to be hard for teams to get an effective push on the projected 4 man front, even with only 2 LB's in there. But what's even better, the versatility can allow the Browns to easily employ hybrid fronts using Rogers and Williams as the two down linemen, because they'll create chaos wherever they line up, allowing our LB's to come from different angles, making it hard for opposing O-lines to adjust and pick up the free man.

Grade: A+. Williams is the kind of guy who you NEED to effectively run a 3 or 4 man front.

Donte Stallworth: I've been a huge fan of Stallworth since he's been in the league. His biggest knock was staying healthy, which was hard when he was being keyed on because he was the only legit threat in New Orleans and Philly. But when he was able to get one-on-one coverage against a less-talented CB, he shined, like he did against the Cowboys and Giants last year for the Patriots.

He's joining a similar offense, in terms of talent, as he shined in during his stay in Boston. You just can't, as a defense, put more than one guy on Stallworth with guys like Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards and JJ in there. It's just not a smart idea. So I fully expect Stallworth to get open looks down the field or in the slot, and giving a guy with Stallworth's speed open field to work with is a great option to have. A 4 WR set with Lt. Winslow, Braylon, JJ and Stallworth is almost unstoppable, and think of the open lanes Jamal will have to run when you trot out a spread like that...hell yes.

The one negative? The contract. $10 million guaranteed is a lot to pay for a guy who does have injury issues and most likely won't be your first option. But having WR depth is not a bad thing to have, and considering the awesome state our cap situation is in, we can afford to take on a few big contracts without too many issues.

Grade: B. He's a great 3rd (or 4th depending on how you view the Souljah) option in the passing game who will stretch the field and create matchup problems wherever he lines up, whomever is defending him. Depth is a great thing to have.

Now the Browns seem to have some good players in key positions, there are still a few holes. I'm not a big fan of CB's especially when the new line guys should be able to pull a 180 on our dismal pass rush. When Kamerion Wimbley has the benefit of not having to go one-on-one against LT's who outweigh him by 80 lbs, his speed will be deadly coming off the edge. So while we're depending on younger CB's, E-Wright and B-Mac should be able to do their thing while not having to cover WR's for 30 seconds because of our anemic pass rush.

That said, another CB wouldn't be a bad thing, especially if that CB is a savvy veteran who knows what they're doing and how to play passing lanes.

Rumors have been swirling about Al Wilson potentially joining the Browns as another LB. Despite his scary injury issues, I've always been a huge Al Wilson fan, there aren't many smarter LB's in the league. Plus, he would provide versatility and experience, and he'd be instrumental in lining up our guys to make sure they're in the best position, something Willie McGinnest couldn't do because he never really had that responsibility. Plus, Al Wilson would fit in great at either MLB or strong-side LB opposite Wimbley, from that position, he'd face fewer blockers and be able to get to ball-carriers and rush the passer with much greater ease, something he excelled at in Denver. He never got a lot of sacks, but MLB's rarely do. But from a SAM LB spot in a 3-4, he's versatile enough to slide into the MLP position and allow D'Qwell or Leon Williams to rome and make tackles away from the middle of the field. If they sign him, they could even move Leon or D'Qwell seemlessley to the SAM position, something I feel either would man with great success.

I wouldn't mind another RB, but those guys are so interchangeable, that we could find one in the 4th round. Our O-line has a ridiculous amount of depth, with the recent addition of Rex Hadnot from Miami and the resigning of Lennie Friedman. Now we have O-linemen who are versatile and talented. Joe Thomas won't leave the LT position for at least a decade and Steinbach is firmly entrenched at LG. But Fraley, Ryan Tucker and Kevin Schaffer are now backed up by LeCharles Bentley (assuming he's healthy), Rex Hadnot (who has 30 starts at both guard and center in the last 2 seasons and is a starter on at least 20 NFL teams, AND who the Steelers were hot after to START), and Lennie Friedman (another G/C backup with a lot of experience).

Our O-line is easily one of the strongest and deepest in the NFL. We can spell Fraley with LeCharles or Hadnot, spell Tucker with the same crew, or slide Tucker over to his natural RT position and give Schaffer a blow while one of those guys takes over RG. God-forbid one of them gets seriously hurt, the O-line in general will be fine. It's this luxury that allows us to back off getting a top-flight RB because holes will be there and if we can get 4 yards, which almost any NFL RB can do with a great line, we'll be fine and teams won't be able to sit back on the pass.

I would still like to see another CB get signed and definitely Al Wilson, but aside from that, at the risk of sounding over-the-top, I feel the Browns are clearly the class of the AFC North, and that the Steelers are going to be shitting themselves when they have to face Shaun Rogers, Shaun Smith, Corey Williams and Robaire Smith because their O-line is just atrocious. Even the best O-lines will have tons of trouble dealing with our bulk up front, and it'll be shocking how effective our defense is when opposing O-lines don't get free shots at our LB's and allow their QB's much more time than they deserve to throw the ball.

Great offseason, and I can't wait until September. Even after a few days, the shine is still...um...shiny and I expect big things from this team. Are they ready to take on the Pats, Colts and Chargers? That remains to be seen, but are they ready to take on the Steelers, Jags, and the other 2nd tier AFC teams? Most definitely.

Bud Selig Makes How Much?

2008-03-12T06:49:00.002-04:00

Bud Selig, according to AOL, makes $14.5 million per year, and don't expect a link because I'm extremely lazy. In any case, that's a lotta skrilla for some questionable results.

I'm not going to wax poetic for that long on this because my anti-Selig thoughts are well established. I agree that Selig, economically, has been a great commissioner for the owners, as he made them a ridiculous amount of cheddar, but come on... Roger Goodell, i.e. the guy who runs the biggest, most profitable sport in the country, far bigger than MLB in terms of prestige and viewership, makes $10 million per year. David Stern, i.e. the Godfather, makes $10 million per year. Would, nay, COULD anyone argue that these guys aren't better at their respective jobs than Selig is?

Selig is a fucking idiot. He's responsible for leaving a giant skid mark on baseball that will never be forgotten, he's totally accountable for the Steroid Era, nobody else, not Don Fehr or the Players Union, not the chemists, it's Bud Selig, the buck stops there. Now, for all intents and purposes, a professional sport's commissioner is the CEO, he runs the show and he's responsible for the fortune or detriment of his charge.

Lets go to an example that may, or may not, fit...now I'm sure the CEO's and chair heads at WorldCom and Enron made their respective company's shareholders a TON of money. They also made themselves a TON of money. But they were crooked, they were low-down dirty assholes who deserved everything they got and, honestly, should've received a far worse penalty. Regardless, they were removed from their positions in shame.

How is Selig any different? He made the guys invested a ton of money. He's also responsible for the sport becoming an absolute joke, and who would've thought that about baseball? The strike really screwed things up for the sport, something that again, Selig could have done something about, but even then he's such a bumbling idiot that you couldn't expect him to fix it capably. Bud Selig is the equivalent of Fredo Corleone running the Family.

Back to the point, why is this man the highest paid commissioner in all of professional sports? Baseball is in a tailspin in terms of TV viewership, certainly in terms of public regard, and most significantly in youth participation. There will always be kids playing baseball, it's an American tradition, but look at the current rosters of MLB teams. Where are the black guys? You never hear of inner city youth coming out and becoming professional baseball players, it's basketball and football now. Baseball has devolved into a rich white and poor Caribbean sport almost entirely. Soon, baseball is going to be devoid of the best athletes America has to offer, and I'm not just saying it's a racial issue, even the best white athletes are more inclined to play football and basketball or even golf because it's more lucrative and appealing.

I've gone on longer than I wanted to so I'll wrap it up. Why is an idiot the highest paid commissioner in pro sports? It doesn't make sense that HE EVEN HAS HIS JOB let alone is paid that much. You could pay my dog the same amount, and she'd probably do just as good a job because they're both about equally capable. It just doesn't make sense, and I fear if this goes on, baseball is going to suffer monumentally.

Browns should trade for Jason Taylor

2008-03-10T12:19:00.003-04:00

Honestly, this isn't that far fetched of an idea for them to entertain. You know the Tuna is high on DA, so why not offer him plus next year's 2nd rounder for Jason Taylor. The going rate for an NFL lineman is a 3rd and a 5th, or a CB and a 3rd. I see that as fair/equal value.

According to PFT, Taylor wants out of Miami, but doesn't want to publicly demand it beacuse of fear that Parcells won't grant him his wish. You know that Taylor, who will turn 34 in September, still has a few good years left and his contract runs through 2009 and could be signed to an incentive laden extension. It's rumored that he doesn't want to play for a team in re-building mode, so why not come to one of the youngest and more up and coming teams in the NFL?

Sure, I like DA and am glad he resigned, but you gotta give up something to get something. Giving up a QB, who has real game experience, and a future 2nd rounder I think is actually giving higher value than the average for a D-Lineman. This is just an idea on how to really solidify a defense that has been the subject of much criticism in recent years.

Gotta Love Monster Snow Storms:

2008-03-09T17:23:00.008-04:00

These are car's in my neighborhood taken yesterday, Saturday March 8, 2008. There was just no where to put the snow for the plows and people were then unable to do anything about it. Some people got fucked by snow plows who just plowed public lots and simply pushed snow up against other people's cars, but like I said, they were unable to do anything about it. I had no problems thanks to my girlie Jeep, but it certainly put a damper on the weekend. Anyway, these were taken around 3:30pm, which is before the worst of it seemed to come. Those who were brave enough to drive around ended up getting stuck in the middle of intersections and on side streets. I helped a friend and his girlfriend on Saturday afternoon and that took 3 guys to get a Civic out, a Jetta with 2 girls in it and someone dude came and helped me push them out, and then a smaller pickup truck was having trouble getting up his driveway that took 2 guys pushing and one driving.

So much for all those stupid Clevelanders who just made the problem worse by getting themselves stuck by avoiding those who were stuck, just because you didn't want to get out of your car to help. Either just sit there and wait it out or help out. You don't need to try to drive your Toyota Carolla up a snow pile to avoid the stuck car and then expect those who were previously stuck to help you. It doesn't work that way. I never got stuck, but I tried to help those who were stuck . Either way, enough of a rant, enjoy the pics.

Goodbye Sweet Prince: Shaun Alexander

2008-03-08T11:12:00.004-05:00

Since it's the offseason and there's shit else going on, I'm going to dedicate a semi-regular post to the faded stars who's contracts make them seem like an anchor. Today, the inaugural post...Shaun Alexander.

I fucking HATED Shaun Alexander. He was the antithesis of everything I look for in an NFL RB, namely, he was a massive, MASSIVE pussy. Shaun patented the "sweep to the end and run out of bounds 5 yards later" move that makes him look like an absolute vag among his NFL peers. Basically, watch some Marion Barber III, Adrian Peterson or Jamal Lewis youtube highlights and then imagine the exact opposite of that and you're left with Shaun Alexander.

I mean, I don't really blame the guy for being such a monumental puss, I sure as hell wouldn't want any part of NFL LB's, but come on, a team is paying you wheelbarrows full of cash, the least you could do is try and eek out a couple extra yards. I don't even care if you don't want to pass block, just run like a man.

It also didn't help that he was running behind two Hall of Famers in Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson. If I were one of those guys, I'd be pissed if I blocked in a legendary fashion only to watch some softie side-step out of bounds instead of taking a CB head on or trying to get a few extra yards. For all the love I heap on the Offensive Line, it really is a two way street, an RB has to return the favor and at least try and bang out some extra field.

Sure, he set the single-season record for TD's scored, and almost all of them were on his trademark sweeps, which again, if I had Walter and Hutch blocking, I'd run the same thing, but it was in such a pussified fashion that it was embarrassing to watch. His MASSIVE elbow pads and shoulder pads, coupled with his vag-tastic running style really just topped it off. Why not just cover yourself in bubble wrap?

Really tho, it's hard to blame the guy. He was an elite athlete and was a pretty crafty runner in the open field and he was a bigger dude and hard to bring down if he didn't try and avoid you. I'm not going to say I'd be the tough nosed runner like Earl Campbell...I LOVE watching that style, but couldn't do it myself. There's no way I'd want to get on that field and try and take guys like Ray Lewis and Brian Urlacher on.

So really, I guess I just hate Shaun Alexander because he is the embodiment of the everyman who wishes they could play pro football. You have to have multiple screws loose to get in there, and lets face it, there's no way 99.9% of football fans have that required insanity, so why should we hate guys who DON'T want to get killed? Oh that's right, because they're there for our entertainment and that's it, we don't care about them 5 years after they retire. We only care about them engaging in the physical equivalent of a 35 mph car crash 25-30 times per game so they can get as many arbitrary statistics as possible.

Eh, fuck it, I still hate Shaun Alexander...FUCK YOU AND DON'T SHOW UP ANYMORE.

I'm Going to Miss Brett Favre

2008-03-06T15:16:00.002-05:00

I've had a glut of reactions to the Brett Favre retirement thingee. On one hand, I'm completely indifferent, the guy played for a team I have no rooting interest in, in a conference I find to play a poor brand of football, and who has been relevant on and off for awhile. He recieved far too much in the way of media coverage. He was fellatiated all over the airwaves and in print for things that simply weren't that important. He wasn't really all that good for a few years.

None of that matters, I loved watching Brett Favre play football. Of the millions of tributes to the guy in the last few days, they've all basically said the same things, so I'm not going to regurgitate that crap.

Brett Favre had me at, "I'm in town to play the Dolphins you dumbass." Favre was never the most polished QB in the NFL, and that's a huge understatement. He endeared himself to people because of his flaws, something you don't see in Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. Could you imagine Peyton coming clean in an interview with Suzy Kolber about his addiction to painkillers? Could you imagine Tom Brady making a cameo in a comedy movie that really was completely random? Hell no. Just like you couldn't imagine either of those guys having any personality whatsoever.

Listen, Tom and Peyton are great QB's with great talents and all that shit that I love to watch play, but Brett Favre was something completely different. He had a style, something that machine-like efficiency doesn't have. It wasn't that he was an 'everyman' like a lot of writers have been saying, because he wasn't. Everyman can't throw a 96 mph bullet 50 yards to win a game in overtime or play 250+ consecutive games in the NFL.

What Favre did was make the game fun again. It was great seeing him actually ENJOY scoring a TD instead of immediately running back to the bench to check out the images from the blimp or spend the next defensive series on the phone talking to his OC. THIS IS A GAME PEOPLE, this isn't war or a job. It was great seeing him throw an INT and then shrug it off because it's more fun to try and score than it is to check down 5 yards to an RB when it's 3rd and 7. People say he had a ton of INT's...so what? But if you thought he was a careless hick who didn't care about the consequences or if you won or lost, you'd be pretty damn wrong.

My favorite Favre moment was in a game against the Eagles when Donovan McNabb was injured and replaced with Koy Detmer. Koy scored a TD and performed a ridiculous dance which clearly insulted Favre and the Packers. So, Favre burns down the field, scores, then mimics Koy's retarded dance and points right at him. There's a YouTube of this somewhere.

The other Favre moment I'll never forget was the Monday Night game against the Raiders right after his father died. I watched the entire game with my eyes glued to the screen watching Favre just let it all out and play, and the emotion he showed on his face whenever he scored was the most genuinely beautiful moment I've ever seen in a sporting event. That was just about everything you needed to know about Brett to realize that he wasn't just a QB, he was just a cool, good dude in general, and that endears him to you far more than any number of TD records ever will.

So why do I love Favre? Because he didn't give a shit about saying the right thing or about being a machine. He was a Southern dude who was insanely talented at throwing a football and he didn't care about anything else. He didn't care about showing up to games in a suit, he wasn't a 'business man' he was a football player.

It sucks he's retiring, I'm gonna miss the highlights of him eviscerating a team just as much as I'm gonna miss the highlights of him throwin 4 picks, all of which were on 50-yard bombs into double coverage. For all his flaws, he always was genuine, never corporate and he made the game fun to watch. The NFL is way too serious these days, and losing someone who didn't care about endorsements and contracts is a sad thing. Brett Favre was simply fun to watch.

I Hate the Airport

2008-03-05T16:41:00.003-05:00

I just got home from a 4, nay, 5 day business trip to a conference in the Dirty (Atlanta for those who are ignorant). For the most part, the trip was fun and educational and I had a great time boozing with a bunch of colleagues spread across the country. I had an awesome night at Hooters, of all places, downing 14 pitchers of Miller Lite with a guy from Columbus, Washington DC, Jacksonville and my buddy from Cleveland and a couple of lady-coworkers from Cleveland and Birmingham, Alabama. We saw a couple of youths driving a souped up pickup truck getting arrested because they threw some coke (probably, I'm well versed in these things) and a gun in their glove compartment when they got pulled over. It was fun.

But it was a business trip, first and foremost. It's been a long time since I've gotten THAT drunk 4 straight days with approximately 4 hours of sleep per night and I was one tired motherfucker. I just wanted to get back to my frozen tundra, see my dog and sleep in my own bed and get back into my routine.

But no. Cleveland was trounced by an ice storm.

Needless to say, my flight was cancelled and I had to stay another night in a nasty hotel in the middle of College Park, a pretty disturbing prospect considering the toughest of the bunch was my female, super-model looking coworker who hailed from Russia (which doesn't discount anything, I'd rather fight Mike Tyson than tell another "...in Russian, road forks you!" joke).

I wasn't that upset that our flight was delayed a day, but today's flight I was PISSED. I'm a laid back dude, and don't get angry that easily, but today was absolutely ridiculous.

I understand the airport was covered in ice. I understand it's something out of everyone's hands, but the level of STUPIDITY exhibited by these retards who run the airlines pushed me to an edge that I usually don't reach.

I had a test today in my class, which would've been fine if we had come in at the original time this morning, but the sequence of events that postponed my arrival were INEXCUSABLE.

Here's a checklist:

-Circling the airport for an hour because the Tower wasn't responding.
-Landing and nearly running into a guy sitting on the runway in a tractor.
-Sitting in the airplane for a half-hour waiting for them to remove a giant pile of snow from our gate (really? You couldn't put it anywhere else?)
-Sitting in the airplane for an additional hour while we waited for THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES WITH THE ORANGE FLASHLIGHTS TO GUIDE US 100 FUCKING GOD-DAMN FEET TO THE GATE.
-Sitting by Baggage Claim because the baggage people couldn't realize that our original flight had changed so they just put all our luggage in Customs (Customs?!?!?!?! Atlanta isn't Amsterdam, there was no need for them to do that).

Needless to say, I missed my test and will have to bust ass the rest of the semester just so I can pass the LAST class I need to finish. And why? Because of gross incompetence exhibited by the people we trust to keep bombs off our airplanes and ensure that our plane will land without having to worry about tractors blocking the runway.

Fuck foreign relations and the economy, there are more important issues that need to be addressed by our nation's leaders, and that is the unionization of industry sectors such as airport workers showing such ridiculous stupidity and disorganization. The people responsible for my shit today do not deserve to work, and I'm not saying that because I'm pissed, I'm saying this because there was no excuse for it.

Airports are, supposedly, some of the most efficiently run institutions in the country. How could they not know that there was a flight arriving at our gate? Why should we have to worry about a massive pile of snow blocking our exit from a ridiculous trip that went on a day too long? Why did I miss a test because the airport couldn't find 2 dudes with some fucking orange popsicles to guide us 100 feet to our gate?

Fucking inexcusable.

Browns Update

2008-03-05T13:10:00.003-05:00

PFT is reporting that the Cleveland Browns have extended to contract of recently acquired DT Shaun Rogers. With his current contract set to expire in 2010, Rogers will receive a six-year, $42 million contract extension with more than $20 million in guaranteed money. This will make him the highest paid DT in the league.

It looks like the Browns are trying to motivate Rogers with money and the luxury of eating all he wants. Lets hope it pays off.

My Evening Last Night

2008-03-04T15:38:00.002-05:00

I think I read a few weeks back in a WithLeather post how all the crazy coaches and soccer moms live in Ohio. I can't agree more. I coach grade school basketball at a local catholic grade school, and no it's not the "athlete's massage" type of coaching that I'm sure all you are thinking about. But I volunteer and coach 7th grade boys hoops. Last night we had a game in a tournament that we host each year and we then turn around and donate the money to a charitable cause. The first game of the tourney got underway last night and we were playing another catholic grade school from the west side of Cleveland. The game was close, my team should have gotten waxed beacuse they played like some 3rd grade girls, but none the less we were in it all the way.

At the end of the 4th quarter, we were down 2 points. One of the guys on my team was fouled in the act so he got 2 shots. He misses the first and makes the second. Now down only 1 with about 1:30 left in the game. The other team's coach tries run the proverbial stall, to no avail. They turn the ball over and we take it the distance for an easy 2. We are now up 1 with about 0:45 left. Now the other team is in the hurry-up and frantically trying to score. Instead of calling a quick thirty, the coach just tries to scream plays in and under our basket, they turn the ball over and we get another quick 2. We are now up 3 with about 0:10 seconds left. The coach still doesn't call a time out and we steal the ball again and we try to stall and they go into foul mode. We are in the bonus, so they foul and we go to the line.

The coach for the other team tells the ref explicitly, (I could even hear it on the other side of the court) that if we miss the first shot and they get the rebound that they will be taking time out (finally). Then we proceed to miss the foul shot and they secure the rebound and the ref grants the coach his time out with 0:07 seconds left in the game.

Here is where things start to get really interesting. The coach denies calling the time out. The best part of it all is that the kid who grabbed the rebound turned to the ref and asked for a time out. But that for some reason is not relevant to this story. The coach gets so irate at the granting of a time out that he gets in the face of the ref. The assistant coaches finally secure the coach and calm him down. So he does his best at drawing up a last second play (it worked as well as a Mike Brown last second play). They do their thing and mess it up and lose by 3.

You'd think the story would be done here, but its not. I throw some high fives to my guys for getting lucky and pulling off a W. We start to lineup to shake the other team's hand when I see the other coach shoot directly for the scorers table, which is were the ref was standing. The dude was steaming mad. I look at my two buddies who I coach with and I said "Oh God" or something to that extent and the coach starts pointing his finger at the ref dropping a string of insults and expletives. I jet over there and right as I get there, the coach stops pointing his finger and quenches his fist and rears back. I grab his arm back and the AD of the school grabs his other arm and we just hold him back. I can't tell if the fist was more a form of threat or if he really intended to introduce us to Mr. Thunder and Mr. Lightning.

This ref was not wrong and held his temper in check for the most part. But this ref was a younger, black guy, who is JACKED. This guy looked real athletic and ready for this guy to give him a reason to act in self defense. I just couldn't believe that this coach wanted to make his point be known so sternly.

The way I see it:
There were 0:07 second left in the game and the guy had 3 time outs left. It's not like there was 2 minutes left in the game and this was the guy's last time out. He retained possession of the ball and had a chance to try to draw up a play to tie the game and force over time. Why did this guy make such a big deal out of one time out? Because he wanted to be a dick. I hate that shit. Its so stupid. There is nothing more that I wanted than for that coach to take a swing and then get "blowed up" by this ref. It would have given me a chance to live out one of my dreams. That dream is to quote Chris Tucker in Friday "You got knocked the fuck out... gimme my goddamn money... yeah payback's a motherfucker". WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO YOUTH ATHLETICS? People calm down. It's not about your W-L record, its about having fun. Chances are about 99.999999999999999999% accurate that none of the players that you're coaching are going to go pro in their respective sports. Way to lead by example.

Breaking News: Brett Favre Retires

2008-03-04T10:05:00.003-05:00

Multiple news outlets are currently reporting that Green Bay Packer's Quarterback, Brett Favre, has told Head Coach Mike McCarthy that he will retire after 17 seasons in the NFL. Favre has won three Most Valuable Player awards, appeared in two Super Bowls, and won one. Remarkably, Favre has started every single game for the Packers since 1992, including a memorable 4 touchdown appearance on Monday Night Football in the wake of the passing of his father.

There are current reports out that Favre wanted to continue to play one more year with the Packers, but the team was looking to go in a different direction. Not that the team told him to retire, but from what I've heard it was Favre's feeling that the team would have preferred him not to return. However, I have heard that it would not be surprising to see him sign a one year contract with another team and take one more shot at a ring. Personally, I find it BS. That's like Michael Jordan playing for the Pistons or Mike Krzyzewski coaching a college team other than Duke. Favre had a great career and though he was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, he will always be remembered as a Packer (and for Wrangler jeans ads).

Breaking News: Browns Sign Dante Stallworth to a multi-year deal

2008-03-01T18:49:00.008-05:00

According to PFT and ESPN, the Cleveland Browns have signed WR Dante Stallworth to a 5 year deal, reportedly with $10 million guaranteed. They have just added more shot power for the big squirt on offense. Way to stay active and do what it takes to get better.

UPDATE: PFT reports that the Stallworth deal is worth $35 million over five years, with $10 million guaranteed.

UPDATE 2: Thank God the Browns signed Stallworth when they did. The Minnesota Vikings have just signed Bernard Barrian to a six year $42 million, with $16 guaranteed. It looks like Phil made a great deal for Dante in lieu of the contract that an under-achieving WR got in Minnesota. Good work Phil.

Who Do These Teams Think They Are?

2008-03-01T18:49:00.007-05:00

This is insane. I can't believe what I'm seeing right now. It's Christmas times two in Cleveland, again. First, Danny Ferry pulls off a blockbuster trade, that in good time, should amount to some Central Division and Eastern Conference Championships. That got me boning over the NBA again, as if I wasn't already. THEN, Phil Savage pulls of a two day singing frenzy that should be recognized in Cleveland as a holiday for years to come.

I love the trade from Danny Ferry and the Cavs. The way I see it, he just put Ben Wallace back in the same situation he was in in Detroit. In my mind Big Z = Sheed in terms of their game. Granted Sheed has a big more range than Z, but Z is Lithuanian for Christ's sake, come on. They play the same style game and no one, I mean no one, plays the tip drill better than Z. Now you have Ben Wallace free to roam around and just grab rebounds and take the ball back up strong for a strong finish, possibly an and one situation.

The problem I always had with Drew Gooden was that he was always out of position to grab rebounds. I could aways get past those "doh" moments, with a shot from the corner by Drew 3 seconds into the possession. That I got over and accepted after the All-Star game last year. I just could never accept the fact that he was always 8-10 feet away from the basket and every offensive set involved the Center postion being 18-25 feet away from the basket. Z has range and I would much rather him taking a shot than Drew, but Drew always seemed to feel like had something to prove with his offensive game. The Cavs dynamic just needed someone to do the dirty work and Drew was never that guy. Thats why Andy Varajao has had success. This is a guy who is willing to do the grunt work and not care about the glory. You have Lebron James, no one else needs glory; just feed off what he can do for you.

That's why the trade with all those guys leaving and the Cavs getting Shawn Marion made little to no sense to me. They never needed another star player to take attention off of Lebron, they just need the right players to allow Lebron the freedom to do what he's done for the last 4 years. He plays his own brand of basketball. Its a hybrid of a whole heap of shit and thats what makes him good. So, having that one other headline act with Lebron made little to no sense...

Then we have this Phil Savage guy trying to get elected to the Oval Office or something. How big are this guys nuts? No picks on the first day of the NFL draft. Phil, you just ruined a national holiday for any real NFL fan. How do you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed with the loss of Leigh Bodden. He was another one of those diamonds in the rough. He made me feel very confident in the ablility of Romeo and Phil. They had an eye out for some type of talent and they got it. Sure he had his blown coverages, but there are some good WR's in the league and when you have to cover one of them for that long, mistakes are bound to happen. I would have liked to see what he could have done with the new D-linemen, but you gotta give up something to get something.

On to what they did get. Corey Williams? Shaun Rogers? Dante Stallworth? This guy has some major cajones. I love these moves, it almost seems like a big game of Madden this enter free agency period. A lot of the moves just seemed to come for promising so much in terms of dollar amounts. $20-30 million guaranteed for these guys is unreal. Not that they aren't worth it, but its like trading your first round draft pick in the coming year's draft for Tom Brady. My associate has already touched upon the need for some chunkies on the D-line, so I really don't see the need to go there. BUT, they just added Dante Stallworth too. I mean they just made an anlready potent offense, even more potent. I mean with the arm of DA, the speed of Stallworth, the total abilities of Braylon, the sturdiness of Joe Jurevicius, the solidarity of K2 and Jamaal Lewis, thats just something to talk about.

Phil went out last year and orchestrated some great deals for the offense and we've been saying it for months now; he is going to go out and do it again this year, only for the defense. I just can't b elieve that it's happened again.

I can't believe that any of this has happened. In due time I think the new-look Cleveland Cavs will go the next 3-6 games as an average team. Just let them have some time to use these next games as a pre-season and hopefully they'll go on an unholy tear and repeat as East Champs. At least that's the goal, anyway. When the season opens the new-look Cleveland Browns should hopefully have a better beginning than last year. The harder schedule is enough to worry any serious fan, but come on, we have Horse Balls...

Go Browns, Go Cavs, Vote Phil Savage, for President.

Shaun Rogers!?!?!?!?! TO THE FUCKING BROWNS?!?!?!?!!?

2008-02-29T23:58:00.003-05:00

In Phil we Trust.

With the Bengals fucking up yet again, Phil made his best move yet, something that I just found out about walking through my door...I'm absolutely flabbergasted.

First, we get Corey Williams, a versatile mammoth who can play any position on the defensive line. I was thinking, with Shaun and Robaire Smiths, and now Williams, the Browns are going to have a nice little defensive line going...but we still needed depth.

I always thought Rogers was out of our reach, though, in my opinion, he was the best fit for our style of defense. I just thought he'd be priced out of our range or some other team would sign him for ridiculous money, ruining the DL market for every other cap-wise team. But, for Leigh Bodden, a CB who I liked, yet was frequently on the wrong side of a big play, and a draft pick we get a prototypical NT who has made it to the Pro Bowl.

Wow...once is nice, twice is a trend. Last offseason, Phil took care of the Offensive Line, and exactly one year later, he completely turns around the Defensive Line with an absolute flourish. Weakness turns to strength, in return for a WAY overvalued position, that frankly, Bodden was the odd man out.

Brandon McDonald and Eric Wright are cheaper, younger, faster, higher ceiling CB's who will no doubt flourish when you have a front 7 as strong as ours is now. No longer are teams going to gash and slice through our defense because their QB has hours to throw and their RB's are benefiting from having our old D-line being pushed back 5 yards and getting hats directly on our LB's. Wimbley is going to be a force as will Peek. Leon Williams is going to become a household name and D'Qwell could very well lead the league in sacks.

Lets face it, next year the Browns have a BRUTAL schedule, chock full of Cowboys, Super Bowl Champs and 6'5'' 230 lb. laser-rocket armed QB's. To expect 10-6 again when we're not a surprise and we're facing the cream rather than the swill would be foolish. Now? Not only do I expect 10-6, I expect a first round bye and the COMPLETE AND UTTER ANNIHILATION of the Steelers, Bengals and Ravens.

Congrats Phil...you've started something incredible here. I'm carving out a new face on my personal Mount Rushmore. You're right there with Tressel, LeBron and Joe Thomas.

Now see if you can trade DA for some draft picks...kthxbai.

DA is Back and Other Browns Thoughts

2008-02-29T10:38:00.005-05:00

So DA resigned with the Browns. I'm kinda split on that: on one hand, I genuinely liked DA, on the other, some draft picks would've been nice. Oh well, his new contract is more than managable and we can see what he can do with little consequences if it doesn't work out.

However, the Browns need some more defense. Justin Smith would be a nice target, but he's going to be extremely expensive, and frankly, I just don't think it's worth it. But Calvin Pace, the 272 lb hybrid LB/DE from Arizona? He'd be worth every penny. Justin Smith, while giving the Browns a D-Line that could consist of 3 Smiths would be cool, can only play end. Pace gives you versatility.

Think about the possiblities with this guy. He can rush with his hand on the ground, going to a 4 man front or he can come out from an LB position. He's strong against the run and a load to deal with...too fast for an RT, too strong for an LT. You can have a 2 man line in nickel situations with 4 LB's and have Pace, Peek and Kamerion come from anywhere on the field.

Savage wanted Terrell Suggs, with good reason. Pace is a cheaper version who can fit any style of defense and is a physical specimen that's almost unparalleled. I was right about the Browns going after Corey Williams, I just hope I'm right about Calvin Pace.

Make it happen Phil.

UPDATE: PFT is saying the Dolphins are close to signing Pace to a big ass deal, similar to what Joey Porter got last year. Interesting. Now, as my partner in crime just suggested to me...which originially sounded outrageous, but now sounds actually do-able, would you trade DA for Jason Taylor? Think about it, Taylor was pissed last year about not getting more skrilla and The Tuna likes DA a whole lot, probably even more now that he's locked into such a managable contract. Why not do a switch? Give Taylor a 2 year extension, give DA to the Tuna and the Browns get a hybrid DE/LB who can rush the passer and the Dolphins get their QB.

UPDATE NO. 2: Donte Stallworth is visiting the Browns. He can be had cheap. DO IT PHIL, DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Can the Browns Get Some Chunkies Please?

2008-02-28T09:14:00.005-05:00

First off, I'd like to say 'thank you' to my partner in crime at this bitch for having the attention span to actually do a mock draft. I sure as hell didn't want to do it, I have no idea who half of these guys are at this point as I've had a hardcore NBA-addiction for the last 2 months.

Really quickly...Starbucks makes one helluva Mocha. This thing makes me want to ski.

Anyways, free agency starts this evening, well, technically tomorrow, but I consider midnight to still be the same...you get it.

So what do I think the Browns should do? GET THE FATTEST MOTHERFUCKERS YOU CAN FIND!!!! I want fat fucks. Guys who look like they have a bag of fertilizer in their stomach. Guys who are so fat, the area underneath their man-titties gets irritated by walking upstairs and breaks out in sores. Guys who scare the shit out of Chinese-buffet owners and small children alike.

In case you haven't read this (and I'm willing to be not many people do/have), I feel the Browns are a defensive line away from being a playoff team. All their problems on defense stem from the fact that they couldn't generate any pressure up front and got manhandled one-on-one leaving guards to get open cracks at our middle linebackers.

It didn't help that D'Qwell is already an undersized MLB or that Leon Williams is too athletic for his own good at this point or that Andra Davis is over the hill (really hurts me to say that), but it's not easy to get around an NFL guard that doesn't even consider blocking a d-lineman. How is Kamerion Wimbley supposed to generate a pass rush when he's the only guy on the defense that opponents actually tried to block?

It's not Phil or Romeo's fault, it's just the way things fell. Let's face it, the Steelers pretty much have the market cornered on 3-4 defensive ends and there is a premium on gigantic, 350 lb+ men who can take up 2 blockers, so it's not like these guys are available every day. Plus, dealing with a variety of roster issues, the d-line took a backseat to other, more pressing issues, leaving us with good depth in the defensive backfield and linebacking corps. Now, like last years' o-line attention, it's the d-line's turn.

I like Justin Smith. He wasn't 'productive' in Cincy because they have their heads up their asses. He's a great run-stopping DE and is tailor made for the 3-4. The only problem is Pittsburgh is after him too so there's some competition. I REALLY like Corey Williams the DT from Green Bay. I feel he can play the NT as well as anyone we have right now, and a 3 man line with Smith, Williams and Shaun Smith would be a tough unit to deal with. The chances of us landing them both? Slim. But in Phil We Trust.

UPDATE: Corey Williams had the Franchise Tag placed on him. so there goes that idea. Don't sleep on the Browns' picking up Red Bryant, the NT from Texas A&M.

UPDATE NO. 2: According to the brilliance that is PFT...the Browns have reached an agreement with the Packers which will see Corey Williams come to Cleveland. No word yet on who we're giving up. Hmm...I'd have to guess either Sean Jones or Brodney Pool as the one weakness the Pack had were good safeties and DT's like Williams don't come cheap. This is pure speculation on my part so...

UPDATE NO. 3: ESPN says the trade is for a second-round draft pick. Hmm...Corey Williams is definitely worth it as he's athletic enough to slide over to play DE but is made for the NT. He's Shaun Smith with a ton more talent and speed, HELLUVA pickup. Now we need Steinbach to convince Justin Smith to sign here and we'll be made in the shade.

Mock Draft v1.0

2008-02-27T21:49:00.002-05:00

This is the first Mock Draft for the 2008 NFL Draft. I love the NFL Draft. I could sit around for all 15 hours of coverage on ESPN and not change the channel and be in heaven. If you have any suggestions or comments as to who you think should go at what spot drop us a comment. We'd like to hear what the fans of other teams are thinking.

1. Miami Dolphins: Chris Long, DE, Virginia

-Long seems as the surest thing in available in the draft. If I was the Tuna, I’d try to trade out of this spot because I wouldn’t want to give all that guaranteed money to any player. Look for Jerry Jones to try to trade Marion Barber III and both of his first round picks for this slot. It’s a risky move, but who better to pull off these type of shenanigans than Jerry Jones.

2. St. Louis Rams: Jake Long, OT, Michigan
-They have a great offense, but they just need to solidify the O-line so Mark Bulger doesn’t get killed again this year. Long had a good college career, not giving up a sack until he met Vernon Gholston. He’s got a chance to turn into a Robert Gallery, but it’s a worthwhile pick here.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Glen Dorsey, DT, Louisiana State
-They need to get a run stopper on D to replace Grady Jackson, so look for Dorsey to fill the need here. Sure, there are reports that they like Matt Ryan here, but lets face it, none of the QB’s in this draft are that tempting.

4. Oakland Raiders: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
-Who better to pick McFadden and way over pay for a player that they can’t afford than the Raiders. Al Davis needs to turn the reins over to someone who has a relative grasp on reality. Much emphasis placed on the word “relative”.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Ryan Claddy, OT, Boise State
-The Chefs, and yes I meant to say Chefs, need to do the little things to get back to contender status and by that I mean draft the non-glory positions. Hence an OT fits here. No need to draft the most talented player here, they need to focus on what it takes to win and that’s get LJ the ball 25-30 times a game.

6. New York Jets: Vernon Gholston, DE/OLB, Ohio State
-Sure I bet they wish McFadden was available, but Thomas Jones ran for over 1,000 yards last year and they could find a way for Leon Washington to get more involved more areas than the return game. They need a linebacker who can fit the 3-4 scheme and who better than a pure pass rusher with great speed than Gholston?

7. New England Patriots (From San Francisco 49ers): Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
-Say good bye to Asante Samuel. The Pats don’t/won’t spend $80 million on one single player, not named Randy Moss. If the Jets don’t take Gholston here, look for him to be a perfect fit at OLB in the Pats, or any, 3-4 scheme. I don’t see Gholston as a DE.

8. Baltimore Ravens: Chris Willaims, OT, Vanderbilt
-Jonathan Ogden is going to retire, but its unsure if it’ll come this year or next. If he stays around why not take a guy who can sit around and play sparingly and learn from one of the game’s best OT’s?

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
-The Bungles need help on the defensive side of the ball. They will either try to replace Justin Smith at DE or go for the best Defensive player available. They need all the help they can get on that side of the ball.

10. New Orleans Saints: Sedrick Ellis, DT, Southern California
-Another team with great need on the Defensive side. They will look for the best available talent at this spot. With Deuce McAllister coming back from a torn ACL their Offense gets another dimension back. They just need to be able to stop someone every once and a while.

11. Buffalo: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
-The Bills need a big WR to go alongside Lee Evans. Sweed seems to me to be the best available talent at WR in the draft. The others just seem to be products of their respective college system. With size and athleticism Sweed seems like a great fit in the B-Lo.

12. Denver Broncos: Malcom Kelly, WR, Oklahoma
-I’m sure Mike Shannahan wishes Sweed will be available to replace Javon Walker, but will end up regretting taking a player from Oklahoma WR. They all just seem to only be able to play Bob Stoops ball.

13. Carolina Panthers: Derrick Harvey, DE, Auburn
-They have a few needs, but you saw what happened when the Panthers were unable to get to the QB on D: a subpar season.

14. Chicago: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
-The Cedric Benson project seems to be over. I think the other Adrian Peterson is the better back in Chicago and he seems like a nice back to tag team with a powerful back like Mendenhall.

15. Detroit Lions: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas
-After about 20 years of drafting WR’s in the top 5, the Lions need to stack up on D. Talib seems like a great combination of size and athleticism. Plus it’s time for Matt Millen to start drafting smart. Plus Marinelli is a defensive guy, its time for him to make some say in the decision making process for this team to gain an identity that’s not Mike Martz’s Offense.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson

-As much as I wanted to have Ken Wisenhut take a QB here that would fit his offensive style and by offensive style I mean pick someone whose confidence he can destroy. But the smart pick here is to go Defense. Some people say RB, but they can hold on to Edge for another year and there are a bunch of RBs available in the next 2 rounds with the same level of talent that they could get here.

17. Minnesota Vikings: Calais Campbell, S, Miami

-They need a big time WR and there just isn’t one available that would make sense here. They have Peterson and Taylor to bang it out for one more year with them and a pretty good O-line. The Vikings have also been burned with big time WR draft picks that haven’t panned out. (Troy Williamson) and they did just draft Sydney Rice so still has something to prove, but what WR would they take?

18. Houston Texans: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
-It’s no secret that the Texans want to bolster up the D through the CB position. Based solely on what his cousin Antionio Cromartie did this season, this combination of size and speed seems like a great fit for Gary Kubaik.

19. Philadelphia Eagles: DeSean Jackson, WR, California
-This could change if they execute a trade for Javon Walker of the Broncos, but why? Why not trade for Walker and draft Jackson to play your slot. Your top 3 WR’s would be Walker, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis, and DeSean Jackson. Add that with the abilities of Brian Westbrook and that sounds like some offensive weapons for McNabb or whoever they start at QB.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon

-With the career of Cadillac Williams in jeopardy, they are rumored to be interested in Deshaun Foster, but why not just try to get a younger insurance policy? If they do sign Foster, they’ll probably not draft a RB with the way Earnest Graham played.

21. Washington Redskins: Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh
-Hopefully they look for the smart pick, not that this is the smartest one, but why not try to develop some players to stick around for the long haul. They just need to continue what they’ve done for the last 2 years and just keep the same guys playing together so they can mesh and gel. There’s been way to much turnover and confusion in D.C. lately because of an owner who wants to be Mark Cuban, but without the intelligence factor.

22. Dallas Cowboys (From Cleveland Browns): Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas
-Why not replace Julius Jones with Felix Jones. Sure Jerry Jones would love to have McFadden, but why not take the less troubled one. Pair him up with Marion Barber III and you have a nice 2 headed monster to open the pass.

23. Pittsburg Steelers: Sam Baker, OT, USC
-Let it be known that I’m a Browns fan and it pains me to say so, but this is a great pick for the Steelers. They will lose Fanica and with other O-linemen needing resigned this is the most logical selection.

24. Tennessee Titans: Early Doucet, WR, Louisiana State

-It’s no secret Vince Young needs more weapons on offense. They can’t run the ball all the time and VY has ¾ of a WR to throw to. I hate Doucet because he played for LSU and LSU beat OSU in the National Championship game, but he’d be a good player to fit with VY. The Titans may look to replace some of their D-linemen that they will lose in free agency, but their Offensive weapons are of real concern.

25. Seattle Seahawks: Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
-Honestly, who cares? Seattle is a middle of the road team in the weakest division in the NFL, so who really cares what they do. They’ll end up going 9-7 and win their division and lose in the first round of the playoffs.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars: Quentin Groves, DE, Auburn
-There’s really not a logical pick I can think of here for the Jags. They are a playoff team that is solid on both ends of the ball. I’d like to see them add another target for Gerrard to throw to, but there’s not a weapon here for them. Perhaps they could take a look at Fred Davis, but they don’t need a pass catching TE. They need another WR, but no one is worth paying at this spot for them.

27. San Diego Chargers: Gosoder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
-The Chargers have LT and a great D. Just keep LT happy and keep your linemen young enough to fill in where needed and you’ll have a good team for years to come. Just keep Phillip Rivers away from harms way and it seems like a formula for success. Well keep River’s mouth shut and then you’ll have a formula for success, but that’s probably not likely.

28. Dallas Cowboys: Mario Manningham, WR, Michigan
-I know many, including Spencer096 don’t think that Manningham is worth a first round pick, and that may be true. However, I think it’s a good fit here. Jerry Jones has been talking of late about a “wow” for the Offense and I think Manningham can fill the same role that Steve Smith filled for the Super Bowl Champ NY Giants. They will probably not make this selection, but Manningham can turn into a playmaker on the right team and with the weapons that Dallas has, and adding Felix Jones, it seems to be a good fit to me.

29. San Francisco 49ers (From Indianapolis Colts): Keith Rivers, OLB, Southern California
-Another team in need of a playmaker on the Offensive end, but who is the logical pick here? I’m not seeing one. If Vernon Davis could turn into the TE that he should be that would take some pressure of Alex Smith, who I think could be a good NFL QB in the right system. Hell if Norv Turner could make this kid look good then someone out there has to be able to. I may just be me, but Mike Nolan seems like a terrible coach so expect a terrible pick here.

30. Green Bay Packers: Fred Davis, TE, Southern California

-What a better way to add to an already potent and developing offense than to add a nice pass catching TE in Fred Davis. He played like the best TE in the nation all year so we’ll see if he can turn into a player in the League or not, but I think it’s a worthwhile pick here for the Pack.

31. New England Patriots: Forfeited

32. New York Giants: Dan Connors, OLB, Penn State

-I have a question: Who pays the cost to be the Boss? Answer: Trade Shockey. Honestly, I could care less who the Giant’s take. I’d just like to see them take anyone other than a CB in the first round.

Thanks Refs!!!

2008-02-27T10:14:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to go on that long...but last night's Cavs game was ridiculous.

37 FT for the Bucks. 14 FT for the Cavs. 37-14. Big Ben and LBJ getting HAMMERED everytime they went to the hole, but no calls. NOTHING. I don't care about not getting calls, BUT BE FUCKING CONSISTENT.

Last night was an absolute joke. Mike Brown should have gone off against the refs, I would have paid his fine. Fuck that.

Well...So Much for any Knocks on Darren McFadden

2008-02-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

A 4.27 40 yard dash tends to do that for you.

So Who is the Best RB in the Draft?

2008-02-24T12:02:00.003-05:00

There's all sorts of bukake rollin' around about how Darren McFadden's draft stock is slipping because he doesn't have the lower body mass that people like in an RB. Especially when compared to Rashard Mendenhall and Jonathan Stewart, D-Mac's legs do look skinny, kinda like the guy at everyone's gym who has a jacked upper body yet looks like he hasn't done a thing for his legs. Is this that big of a deal? Does it invalidate D-Mac's incredible run through the GAUNTLET that is the SEC? Or is it just poo-poo?

As we all know, the college game varies significantly from the pro game, where better athletes with better skills at every position level the playing field significantly. You'd be hard pressed to look through the roster of great RB's in the NFL and find an RB without tree-trunk legs, and those who do find success without a lot of lower body mass usually are about as boom-or-bust as it gets. Still, is it really a necessity?

Even if it is the case that having a massive lower body is a requisite for NFL success, does D-Mac's skinny legs really show anything about how strong he is? Genetics are a fickle mistress, some people, no matter how strong they are, just can't get a lot of mass on their legs, especially calves. If I was an NFL talent evaluator, and I'm most certainly not, I'd be more interested in D-Mac's vertical and squat numbers rather than giving it a look over and assuming the guy has no power.

But really, if anything, this debate is more an indictment about the combine process in general. Sure D-Mac doesn't have a lot of lower-body mass, but at the same time...he was an absolute beast in a conference that, while hard for me to admit, is as deep as it gets with top-level talent on the defensive side of the ball. What McFadden did against LSU is not to be discounted, nor is his total body of work, spanning across 2 ridiculously productive seasons.

McFadden has a performance record that should trump any such talk about his little legs, but it's his other baggage that has to be taken into account. He's simply more of a gamble than Mendenhall or Stewart, from a physical standpoint, as he could be more injury prone or might not be "that" effective between the tackles. In my opinion, all three of these guys are about on the same plane.

RB (and to a lesser extent LB) is the easiest position to become acclimated to in the NFL, just because it relies so heavily on athleticism and instincts rather than technique and polish like a WR, OT, CB or DE. Each of these guys were incredibly successful in a spread-option formation, and a lot of their success can be attributed to a QB who can get big yards with their feet. In McFadden's case, the QB wasn't the threat and he was keyed on primarily by top-notch defenses. Would Mendenhall or Stewart have been as successful if the threat of Dennis Dixon or Juice Williams wasn't there? Why have Nebraska RB's been so meh in the pros running out of a more antiquated option style? This is more of an issue, to me, than any measurables.

But I do believe that all three RB's will be successful. Whatever the strategy, you can't deny that Stewart is a 230 lb. beast of a RB who is not fun to take down. Regardless the scheme, Mendenhall is a thick back who can elude tacklers, break tackles executed with poor technique and has the speed to take advantage of poor angles of attack. McFadden looks like the SEC version of Adrian Peterson, you just don't shred a defense like LSU's if you don't have serious ability.

Perhaps, in McFadden's case, he was poorly coached in the weightroom, which wouldn't be a stretch if you consider just how batshit crazy the whole Arkansas program has been recently. And that brings us to McFadden's other knock, his attitude and off-the-field issues. Perhaps he will never be able to be coached well and will resist any attempts to build the discipline necessary to build your legs. Lets be honest here, doing squats and deadlifts take a huge toll on your entire body, and you're going to be in serious pain for awhile in order to really build the kind of trunks that Mendenhall and Stewart already have.

So really, in Mendenhall and Stewart, you have a couple of generic RB's who can get plugged in vitually anywhere and pretty much have a B+ ceiling established. With McFadden, you have the chance of failing spectacularly, like Reggie Bush, another thin-legged RB has run is on the way to doing. But you also have the chance of landing Adrian Peterson, a home run threat every time he touches the ball you have the chance to get points. But Peterson has huge legs...so I'm just keep going in circles.

Let's just wait and see. But if you're the GM who passes on McFadden and he turns into a Hall of Famer, you're an idiot.

Howabout that Trade?

2008-02-21T16:21:00.001-05:00

Pretty fuckin' sweet.

I have a big ol' Cavs boner.

I Have a HUGE Mancrush on Tiger Woods

2008-02-20T20:45:00.002-05:00

So how awesome was it coming home when I did today? FUCKING AWESOME. That's how awesome.

I left work early...get home, change my clothes and plop down and throw on the Golf Channel. So I see Tiger is 3 down against JB Holmes on the 14th tee and I'm thinking to myself, "fucking Tiger pussy ass motherfucker can't even beat this fucking asswipe from Kentuckah." He fucks up getting to the green and leaves himself a long ass putt...draino.

Eh, BFD. He's still 2 back and it's not like JB is playing bad golf or anything. I'm not the biggest JB fan in the world, I like how far he hits it, but he's just too...I dunno...Kentucky for me. Plus he plays SLOWWWWWWWWWWW. And he has his caddy line up his putts...what the fuck is this, the LPGA? Anyways, JB fucks up, so Tiger has a nice 2 putt to win the hole...draino in one.

Well now. What's this? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. See, I watch any Tiger highlights on the Golf Channel because I wasn't into golf when those things originally happened. So I've seen all sorts of shit from his Amateur wins to his majors and all that crap, but it just wasn't the same. It's rare that you see Tiger turn in a vintage performance where he comes back to win a tight match. Now, it's all, "oh look, Tiger is up 12 strokes after 2 rounds...FUN."

WELL IT'S NOT FUCKING FUN OK? I don't like watching golf, the only untainted sport left, when all I get to hear is 2 straight days of Tiger-slobbing. But this? This is different. I remember watching Tiger's chip in at Augusta in 2005. I remember giving some dude updates on Tiger on the Saturday of his 2000 US Open win at Pebble Beach when I was working at a restaurant. I sure as hell remember him crying after he won his first major at Hoylake, his first since his dad had died. But, it's extremely rare to see him scrap and grind to beat the 64th best player in the World Rankings in the first round of a gimmicky tournament.

See, that's what separates Tiger Woods from the rest of the guys like Phil and Ernie. It's cliche'd to talk about Tiger's legendary 'competitiveness' and his 'will to win,' but that's only the case because it's so fucking true. What athlete is ALWAYS going to do that? MJ? Um...even MJ lost at some point. You can count the number of times Tiger has legitimately been beaten on one hand...and none of those guys were anything special.

Vijay Singh, and I will go to my grave saying this, is the only player who had the combination to really go toe to toe with Tiger Woods. I say 'had' because age finally caught up with the Fijian and he's just not the same player he was, but he still has that mentality. Phil? HAHAHAHAHA. The Deutsche Bank Championship doesn't count. Ernie? Maybe before he turned into the aquatic version of Kellen Winslow. And even Veej only beat Tiger during one of Tiger's swing changes, so there's a little asterisk next to that World No. 1 ranking.

Back to the WGC Accenture...We're on 16 now, and shit's getting tense. JB, once again, doesn't bang it close enough, then again, neither did El Tigre (that's Spanish for the Tigre) but this isn't Tiger playing. It's TIGER! Rawr.

So, let's recap right quick before we get to the goodies. 14. 20+ feet for a much needed birdie...money. 15. 2 putts from 30+ feet to win the hole...on putt plop. 16, another 20+ foot NECESSARY birdie, really, what do you expect? Draino.

This is the absolute shit. When have you seen a golfer drain 20+ foot putts when they absolutely need to otherwise they're going home? And it's not like he's sliding these in the side or anything, it's center cup, banged home, totally deliberate and true. So we go to 17.

At this point, 3 straight birds and the putter is white hot. So how can he top that? Howabout a 290 yard 5-wood 34 feet for eagle? Na, not good enough. Howabout a 34 foot eagle putt to take the lead and psychologically destroy your opponent. That'll do. The 18th was a formality, the match was over and you could tell, JB had it written all over his face.

I just can't comprehend how we were blessed to see such magnificence. There's all sorts of hyperbole all over the place about Tiger, and frankly, it gets to be too much really quickly. But when you watch the man play...it's just a different story all together. Bill Simmons, as much as I hate him, once wrote a great article about how hard it is to write about Tiger, how it's just an exercise in fellatio because, really, what more can you say? He's just THAT good.

But when you catch something as amazing as we did this afternoon, it's hard to think about anything else. When you think of the all-time greats: MJ, Ali, Babe Ruth, Joe Montana, Pedro Ceranno; they all had their foibles that made them human. They exuded a spirit of determination and confidence that changed the definition of what a great athlete should be. But none were as singularly dominant as Tiger Woods in every single facet of the game.

I'm completely sober and lucid and I can't stop thinking about what I just saw. I've been thinking the same question to myself for the last hour, "when have I ever seen or read or heard anything close to this?" I can't answer that. You just cannot expect an athlete to ALWAYS come through in the clutch, to always get the hit or knock down the jumper, it's just not realistic.

But in Tiger's case...it's different. You tell yourself it's over, that there's no way he can do it. It doesn't matter that he's batting .900 for his career in situations like that, you just can't expect it happen. No matter how many times he's done it in his lifetime, and how many times we've seen replays of said situations, you just don't see it coming, and when it does? It's fucking fantastic. It's scary. You hear of on/off switches in athletes all the time, but it's just fluff, except with Tiger.

You can't really say anything more than that. Everything about Tiger that can be said, has been at this point. He has such a cold, corporate personality in front of the cameras that you really don't get a feel for what he's like as a person. Sure there are a few clips of him being funny and there are stories of how cool a guy he is, but on the course he's a blank slate save for a fist pump and a roar. He is truly a robot programmed with banal responses and a Helen Keller-ish ability to not hear or see a thing other than the ball. He's as technical a golfer as there is, but he's also as creative and artistic as Seve Ballesteros. He has balls bigger than a bull's and a competitive streak that's simply not fun to experience. He's as good on a links course in howling winds as he is on a tricked-out US Open course with 6 inch rough. All this and he hasn't hit his peak yet. THAT'S SCARY.

What's even scarier is if you've ever played golf for yourself. When you struggle to break 90 on a muni, you think that at Oakmont during the 2007 US Open, he hit 17 of 18 greens in regulation on greens that, if you don't hit it perfectly, you'll fall off into rough that looks like a crackhead's front yard after an entire spring of not mowing and you cry.

I have a complete and total mancrush on Tiger Woods, and I'm not afraid to admit it. He could endorse Swoosh-emblazoned, tin-foil wrapped toenail clippings and I'd buy a dozen. If you can't appreciate what this guy is doing right now, you're missing out on the greatest singular athlete of all time, regardless that he's a golfer. Fuck that, he's the single greatest COMPETITOR of all time, and that's not up for debate. MJ had his run, but not even he can touch what Tiger has done so far, and the fucked up thing, that I just can't get past, is that he's JUST now beginning to round into form. If you thought that his 2000 season, where he won 3 majors and held all 4 titles at one time was incredible, was stunning, the next 2 years are going to absolutely obliterate that.

Jump on the train now, it's good shit. Who knows, you might even want to pick up a club for yourself.

Steroids! Steroids! Steroids!!!

2008-02-20T13:00:00.002-05:00

I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of hearing 4 FUCKING HOURS of Mike and Mike talk about the same god damn topic. Sure, I could've stopped listening, but I didn't want to miss their 30 second snippets in between 8 straight minutes of commercials.

Anyways, this whole charade needs to stop, right now. And not just PED's. This goes much further, all the way to the problems we have as a society. In all seriousness, what the fuck is wrong with this country? This whole Mitchell shit has been one ball slapping after another, and not only does it indict our priorities as a country, it indicts our abilities as people.

Everyone who knows me knows I'm about as pro-drug as it gets. I love smoking marijuana and enjoy taking mushrooms every now and then, but I draw the line there. Why? Because my parents took the time to properly educate me about the subject. They didn't say that I couldn't smoke weed in the house or drink underage because they told me there was a right way to enjoy things and a wrong way.

If parents taught their kids the right information about PED's, this wouldn't be such a shitstorm. Steroids work FANTASTICALLY in a controlled setting, kind of like that of a professional athlete. HGH is a wonder drug. But with such great benefits, there are naturally side effects and this is where education comes in. You, as a parent should teach your children about these things so they know how to make the right choices.

But that's a different topic. What I want to know is why the fuck is Congress involved? Why are there Senators and Representatives bitching and moaning about the possible use of PED's in SPORTS? Is there really nothing else going on? Is this what we voted you in to do? There are no other problems in this country that are of greater concern than the use of PED's in a field of entertainment? I'd believe that if we weren't in some ridiculous war in the Middle East, or if our entire country didn't revolve around oil, or maybe if urban public schooling wasn't churning out an IMPRESSIVE 35% graduation rate. Those are just a few topics that I, personally, think are a little more important than if Roger Fucking Clemens did steroids.

And it wouldn't be such an outrage IF IT WEREN'T SO FUCKING OBVIOUS HE WAS USING IN THE FIRST PLACE. If ever there was a candidate for potential PED use, it has to be the pitcher who magically got better as he aged and had a string of ridiculous behavioral fuck-ups through his career. Bonds too, don't get me wrong, but Roger was just as blatant.

So let's see, we wasted a ton of money and effort in something that was obvious when we SHOULD have been working to get other shit fixed, yet we wasted a bunch of time on baseball. And baseball isn't even the real problem here. Have you seen football players? Oh yea, those guys are REAL clean. Gimme a fucking break.

The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about. Once, just once, I'd love for someone to say, "yea, I took 'em. They work and I could make more money. I used them under medical supervision and took the utmost care of my body and got a ton of rest and ate good foods. I took other drugs to fight the side effects and was well educated, therefore, I felt the personal risk was worth it." Plus, it's hard to say it's cheating when everyone uses.

Anyways, my point...smoke trees, they're good for you.

How I Wish I Got Suspended by LSU

2008-02-19T09:42:00.002-05:00

Ryan Perrilloux got suspended by LSU for some odd reasons that we don't know yet...but that doesn't stop us from speculating. Shit from coke and gambling has been thrown around, but nothing has been offically discussed as of yet. Anyways, in OJ's vein, if I was going to be suspended, this is how it'd happen:

So I go into this casino right, rollin' off my ass on this fine ass blow that I picked up from the Cuban dude who lives in my buddy's apartment complex, with a fat gangsta roll in my pocket. Brilliantly, I'm wearing team issued sweats and stink of women and chronic and am speaking in the 3rd person just so people know who I am...a ridiculously talented, yet mentally retarded backup QB at a football factory.

Next thing I know, I'm down $20,000 to this fat hick who keeps hitting on 16. So I punch him in his nuts, start yelling and firing my gun into the air. I wake up tasered and strapped to a gurney in a padded room. Fun stuff.

I wish I played college football.

Dan Shanoff is a Douchebag

2008-02-15T08:40:00.003-05:00

My hatred for Dan Shanoff is not unfounded and pretty well known for the 8 people who have ever viewed this site. He is a blowhard of the highest degree, almost on par with Woody Paige and Skip Bayless and his constant rankling of OSU, which is misguided and hypocritical, coupled with his ridiculous Florida homerism, which is just an arbitrary association, makes me hate him like nobody else, almost as much as run-on sentences, which are highlighted by dangling modifiers.

So I decided to parody his lame ass.

Today's Calls: Florida women's club hockey...best. team. ever? Fellatio for Dwyane Wade, God OSU is gay, Tennessee vs. LSU women's basketball...hyperbole anybody? Roger Clemens is naughty, Why didn't you know this useless fact I'm about to throw out? and More!

The Opening Pitch: Ohio State still sucks.

Yea, that's right. Ohio State sucks. Shut up Buckeye fans. They just put a ton of money into everything and recruit nothing but thugs. Florida's football program is so squeaky clean, they might just be the Cleanest. Program. Ever.

Will Dwyane Wade eat Frosted Flakes? Ric Bucher is reporting that Dwyane Wade ate Cocoa Puffs for breakfast this morning instead of his usual Pop Tarts. Will this have any effect on the Heat's suddenly surprising playoff push?

No. 7 LSU beats No. 1 Tennessee in women's basketball: Is this the Greatest. Upset. Ever? I think so. Only in the SEC can you see such dominance. Ohio State would probably lose by 40.

Barry Bonds > Roger Clemens: Roger Clemens ran over 14 children on his way to his hearing yesterday. Here's hoping that people finally see Roger Clemens for the jerk he really is instead of the selfless, sympathetic figure people think he is.

NASCAR: I'm only bringing this up because I have to. If my fellow Gator fans didn't get their NASCAR fix, they'd think I wasn't a real Florida fan or from the North or something like that.

Meanwhile, OSU lost the National Championship: Is this going to hurt the Big 10 in the eyes of voters? Here's hoping that nobody will ever put Ohio State in the national championship game again, ever. It doesn't matter if they beat every team in the SEC, they just aren't worthy.

Florida club pillow polo team loses intramural contest with FIU: Greatest. Upset. Ever? Not only was Florida the prohibitive favorite, but they were arguably the best pillow polo team in the country. First the Patriots, then Florida's club pillow polo team?

Greatest. Column. Ever: I think so, don't you? Here's hoping that I can fit the phrase, "here's hoping," into every column I write for the rest of eternity.

More. Hyperbole?: I just don't think that's possible. I have used the most hyperbole ever in the history of the English language. I don't think I can fit any more extraneous descriptions to how great Florida or Dwyane Wade are. I might have to actually start giving kudos to. other. people.

Warning: Golf Rant

2008-02-14T12:26:00.004-05:00

So I read this and immediately started laughing my ass off.

Adam Scott? Tiger Woods? Give me a fucking break. Yea, if you're a golf afficianado like myself, then you know that Butch Harmon has molded Adam's swing into a mirror image of Tiger's before he started working with Hank Haney and started staying more on plane. Yea, Adam is long off the tee and has a ton of talent. Yea, he's still young and has a lot of room for growth.

Golf is in an odd situation right now. During golf's Golden Age when Jack Nicklaus, Tom Watson, Lee Trevino, Raymond Floyd, Gary Player, an aging Arnold Palmer, and Johnny Miller were taking turns at winning majors, there was a constant struggle. The Golf Channel constantly shows Classic tourney's of these guys going at each other, and it was fucking great. I love that shit. But now? It's Tiger or a no-name guy, and really, little else.

I know that the media has to try and create some drama, but there needs to be some cooperation from the players. I'm getting sick and tired of seeing guys like Phil Mickeltits, Els, Goosen, DiMarco, and others constantly fail to do anything when Tiger is on the leaderboard in a major. I'm not talking about the Deutsche Bank or whatever it was called, I'm talking about a big-boy tourney.

One of my favorites, Vijay, has the mentality, but age has caught up with him and, with his current swing change, it's looking less and less likely that he's going to return to 2004 form. So that leaves us with the young guys. This group of golfers like Adam Scott, Justin Rose, Luke Donald, Sergio and a few others have mounds of talent, probably equal to that of Tiger, but what have they done? JACK SHIT.

That's my problem with shit like what Butch Harmon said. It's not that Scott doesn't have the game to compete, it's just that when has he EVER shown he can compete with the top-guys on American soil? The TPC was his biggest PGA win and he almost ruined a week's worth of fucking epic ball-striking on the last hole, and in pathetic fashion. Really, this dude is going to go up against Tiger...the guy who's swing he stole? When have you ever seen Scott's name on a major leaderboard? I don't care to look it up, but I'm pretty sure his highest finish is 6th.

Yea, he has the game, so do a lot of guys, but come on, they've been around, we know what to expect. When Phil was the "greatest without a major," it was because he had shown he has elite game and was constantly on major leaderboards. Same with Monty. Honestly, same with DiMarco. But, aside from Sergio, when were these guys actually players on a back nine on Sunday?

It's one thing to have major-caliber game, it's another to BE a major-caliber golfer. Sure, most of these guys are Euros and play the majority of their tourneys across the pond (except Donald who is a Chicago resident) and have had great success there, with Rose winning last years Order of Merit. But, and I'm not being an ugly American here, that's akin to saying you were the D-League MVP or won the AAA Cy Young. Sure, it's great, but the fields are watered down and the courses not as tricked out.

I'm just sick and tired of hearing Adam Scott this or Justin Rose that. Fucking show you can compete first, then you have potential. But if you're missing the cut or finishing 12 strokes behind every time a major rolls around, you're simply not an elite player. Does that make guys like Zach Johnson, who hasn't really done much other than the Masters, elite? No, that makes them lucky. Zach Johnson is not an elite player because he's not on the leaderboard that often when it matters. Just because he can't bomb it out there 350 like Scott or Sergio doesn't mean they're any different a caliber of player.

In all sports there are champions and runners-up, very good players who just can't push it over the top. I know all about this, Bernie Kosar, Brad Daugherty, Mark Price, Albert Belle, Jim Thome, all the heartbreak we've suffered through, Cleveland is the breeding ground for the runner-up. These younger golfers have shown they're simply runners-up, and at this point, if they win a major, it'll be almost as big a fluke as Rich Beem or Shaun Micheel winning the PGA Championship. It'd be like those Cavs teams beating Jordan or Kosar beating Elway. The connection is personally painful, but it's also apt.

So instead of focusing on guys like Adam Scott, who have a history of not getting it done, we should look at the next generation, guys like Hunter Mahan and Anthony Kim, guys who show they can hang in there mentally and are confident. Phil always got this look on his face when he fell flat, the look of pure terror. See if you can dig up a video of Adam Scott on the last hole when he won the TPC, it's the exact same look. But the difference between Phil and Scott? Phil has all-time game, one of the best in history, Scott is copying off of someone, Tiger, who admitted his swing was flawed and not built for long-term success.

I don't mean to rag on Adam Scott, by all accounts he's a nice guy and a damn good golfer, but when does he fall into pre-2003 Phil territory and realize that he needs something else to be great? He isn't like Monty, if Monty had Scott's game, he'd have at least 4 majors by now. Monty is mentally tough and a great competitor who suffered from lack of talent, the same can't be said for this 25-30 year old generation which has done absolutely nothing.

Starbucks Rules

2008-02-14T08:43:00.005-05:00

Since I don't want to talk about Roger Clemens, Arlen Specter, the failed Jason Kidd trade, Kelvin Sampson continuing to be an idiot, the Cavs losing a hard faught battle, or CC cutting off negotiations with the Tribe, and I sure as hell don't wanna start working, I'm going to talk about how awesome caffeine is.

I love caffeine, in any form, at any temperature. I drink it in the morning, in the afternoon, before I go to bed, I don't care, I fucking love the shit. I always fluctuate between my preferances for my caffeine intake, going from energy drinks to Lattes, Coke to espresso, but of all the forms, coffee in it's basic form has always been my true love.

Me and coffee are like a college girlfriend who you keep breaking up with but always manage to get back together because it works. I went about 6 months without drinking any coffee at all, preferring Monster energy drinks, because coffee was fucking my stomach up bad. Everytime I drank a cup of coffee the pain in my stomach made me totally forget the caffeine buzz that I loved.

Yea, it's probably not a good thing, but I cut it out and the pain went away. It was probably from my formative years in school in Texas when my drink of choice was Baileys and coffee. Instead of drinking beer like everyone else, I'd brew a pot of coffee and just go to town with any type of coffee-liquor and loved it. Plus I started every morning with the Hammerhead, a local special at a coffee house down the street that was 4 shots of espresso topped off with coffee. This could be why my stomach hurt everytime I drank coffee, but the buzz was worth it.

I realize I'm a complete caffeine addict. I don't care at all. I'm beyond help, like the heroin addict who just doesn't care about anything else but shooting up. I'm not going to stop drinking caffeine in the morning because I fucking don't want to. I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

Anyways, Starbucks has always been the shit. Yea, they're a little pricey, but who isn't? It's fucking quality shit there, and I'm all about the quality...and the consistency. I can basically go to any Starbucks in the country and get a Skim Latte with 2 extra shots of espresso and it'll be the exact same, and I like that. I like the fact that I don't have to tell some fucktard barista how much foam I want because they already know.

Plus, Starbucks coffee is like coffee on whatever Roger Clemens was taking. A large cup of their shit is like a 96 mph split fastball at the knees while this pussy ass coffee shop right below my office (Starbucks is like a 2 minute walk through my building) is like Tom Glavine. I fucking hate Tom Glavine. I love my coffee scalding hot so it warms up your entire esophogas on the way down, and when it hits your stomach it's like Jack Hamm in the Hammer golf club infomercial. That shit gets in your gut and is like, "POW!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's what I like.

I know I sound like a creepy addict, but I really don't give a shit. For New Years, I cut out caffeine in the morning...yea, that lasted all of 10 days. I had that nasty headache and I yelled at people just for walking by my desk. I couldn't concentrate and, frankly, was willing to spend $2 per day just so I can kick ass like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra. I don't care about the health consequences, because I really don't give a shit if I live to be past 65. Who gives a shit? My family (if I even have one at that point)? Listen, if I have kids, they won't want me around when I'm that old because I'll be the saltiest bastard you ever met. They'll want to euthanize me at the first chance, like if I break a leg, they'll put me down like Barbaro. Plus I still have a resting heart rate of 60 bpm, so I'm pretty golden.

Anyways, Starbucks...I love you. Every morning I wake up, I'm all about goin' down there and flirting with the cute barista that kinda looks a little to emo-ish for my corporate-y ass, but she has such a fantastic ass and wears those tight polos...so, whatever. Venti bitch, room for cream. Yea, pour that coffee...that shit is sexier than lingerie.

Larry Hugues...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

2008-02-13T20:52:00.001-05:00

Dear Larry,

You rule.

I'm sorry.

kthxbai

Jason Kidd Trade

2008-02-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

"*($%()#$&%()#$*&% WE FUCKING MISSED OUT AND LEBRON IS GOING TO LEAVE!!!"
-dumb Cavs fans

No, this is not a bad thing, this is NOTHING. This impacts the Cavs in no way at all and if you think it does, then you're an idiot and should read a few things about trades and the NBA personnel movement.

The Cavs, as anyone who doesn't have their head miles up their ass knows, had no chance at landing Jason Kidd, Pau Gasol, insert-tradeable-star-here. Apparantly there are more retards in Cleveland than I thought because people insist on calling into radio stations and bitching about this. To said retards...Cavs have NO tradeable assets. Would you be able to buy a car if you had no money? Nevermind, people do this, let me make a better comparison. Would your dealer give you an ounce of the most beautiful stick-icky, Northern Lights that looks like it was dipped in cocaine...for nothing? If he's a good, nay, GREAT friend (Kevin McHale and That Bitch Ainge is what I'm getting at) then yes. But otherwise? Don't think so.

What the hell could we have given in order to get Jason Kidd? Larry Hughes is not tradeable, so he can't be included in any deal. Andy can't get traded. Boobie? Sure. Sasha? No. Um...Ira Newble's expiring contract? Maybe if he was making Larry Hughes money, sure. Otherwise, nothing. And Boobie ain't goin' anywhere (which is a great thing).

Anyways, this is great for the Cavs. The West, again, is loading up with stars from the East, meaning there's less shit for LeBron to destroy. Again, I'm not worried about the Celts and would love another crack at the Pistons, but other than that? LeBron could win the East with a D-League squad.

Plus, Jason Kidd? The guy is older than Methuselah and costs more than we really want to spend. He's good, but do we want to re-do our offense? Do we want to rely on a slowing PG to go up against maybe Rajon Rondo? Jose Calderon? DEAR GOD NO.

Next year we have A TON, $30 mil worth, of expiring contracts. Every year there's some star waiting to get shipped out, and if you think we can't make one HUGE deal and one significant one with assets like that, and even assets like Andy, then you're delusional. Either that, or Danny Ferry is worse of a GM than I thought.

So, let's recap. We couldn't do it if we wanted. Next year is the good year. Jason Kidd is good this year, terrible moving forward.

If I hear one more bitch or moan about lack of a trade I'm going to do...something. I don't know. Whatever.

I Hate the Offseason

2008-02-13T08:23:00.002-05:00

You know what today is? It's No Belt Wednesday. I call it that because I got to work this morning and realized I forgot to wear a belt. Good thing I'm wearing a sweater, take that! Plus my pants fit my body so the belt is an unecessary accoutrement.

You know why I mentioned that today is a historic No Belt Wednesday? Because it's the NFL offseason, and there isnt anything else to discuss. I could regail you with tales of LeBron James' NBA dominance or perhaps the story of a small/mid-market baseball team with cheap owners once again failing to pony up the cash for a fan favorite, but I won't. There's simply no need.

See, that's the beauty of the NFL. Because there are only games for a short period on the calendar AND only once a week, there is a certain aura about football that leads to discussion. The NFL is inifinitely more interesting to talk about than the NBA where it's, more or less, more athletic guy who isn't an idiot wins or baseball which is a bunch of preppy white boys and Puerto Rican/Dominican imports chewing tobacco and injecting HGH into each other. There's no strategy in either sport when it comes to either off-season or in-season.

Baseball, highest bidder wins. Basketball, a glut of retarded teams do nothing but feed great players towards bigger markets while they languish in incompetance. There is good news, however...Golf season is starting up. You might think I'm crazy, but Golf is easily, EASILY, the 2nd best professional sport.

Think about that for a second...What other professional sport (I'm not talking college football) has almost total parity, no individual leverage, where a no-name can beat an elite player almost every week and the scenery provides the ultimate sports-stoner theater? I would rather watch a Golf Tourney with no top players in the field than watch an NBA game (other than the Cavs) in January or an MLB game (other than the Tribe) before September. It's simply just not entertaining.

Now you might say, well golf is boring to watch. I'll grant you that, begrudgingly, but if you're a golfer, there isn't much better entertainment. Next Sunday, when you're not watching football, actually watch golf. The swing vision shit is awesome and the courses are magnificent. Plus, it beats NCAA Basketball (which has been ruined to a near-NHL level).

Another reason I hate the offseason...there's jack shit to talk about, yet all anyone DOES talk about is the NFL. Why the fuck is the combine such a big deal? I don't know, but I'll tell you that I spend at least 2 days reading everything I can about it. The Draft? A personal holiday that I enjoy like nothing else. Training Camp? Free agency? The NFL is like meth. You go on a 4 month bender, and then the other 8 months, you smoke every now and then, but basically abstain, and when that next 4 month bender comes up, you get FUCKED UP. Each consecutive year in the NFL, for me, is better than the next. But, it goes both ways, each offseason lasts seemingly longer and longer, and I just need my fucking fix god damnit.

Fuck the NBA. I spend too much time bitching about it and watching games and shit when, really, I could give two shits less. Same with baseball, even tho it's definitely relegated to 5th in my pecking order (NFL, Golf, NCAA Football, NBA, MLB), partially because I can't stand putting personal effort into watching a league run by BUD FUCKING SELIG and partially because I don't really enjoy watching paint dry.

Anyways, this is going to be a long many moons until I can finally get that NFL-needle into my veins, but, as always, I'm not gonna stop jonesin' for it.

SITE UPDATE!!!

2008-02-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've gone on a long ass rant. So I'm going to pick a few targets and go to town.

THE CAVS

Well, the Cavs...I'm really conflicted. I honestly believe they are still the best team in the Eastern Conference, when healthy. I honestly believe that our frontcourt is among the beastliest in the NBA. But you know...it just doesn't feel right. Something is missing, something important. Oh, right, fucking cap space.

See, this is where me and AC get into debates. He's always pining for some fuck like JJ Redick or someone else who can shoot, and yea, that'd be nice and everything but it's not on the priority list. I don't want the Cavs to mortgage the future and handicap them for the next 4 years, because lets face it, LeBron could leave. But we have 2 more years to worry about that, and this year isn't a championship year.

Dan Gilbert is all about giving Ferry the go-ahead to rise into luxury tax stratospheres, which will definitely be necessary. Gone are schmucks like Ira Newble, Damon Jones, Donyell Blunty and Eric Snow. And thank fucking God. We have Andy, Drew and Z for next year. Like it or not, we have Larry Hughes. But, really, other than that, the cupboard is bare.

There are a bunch of free agents on the market this summer, and if Ferry doesn't land one of them, LeBron is gone.

So, do I think they'll do some damage in the playoffs? Of course. I still think they're going to the Finals. LeBron is better than your team's star and that's all that matters. But the West is just unbelievably stacked, unless LeBron channels his inner Tim Donaghy, they're not winning it all this year.

TIGER WOODS

I'm a fucking golf fanatic. I'm currently working my way from 'suck' to 'hit-ball-far-hit-ball-in-rough' phases and, frankly, can't get enough. Since ESPN has turned into utter shit mode over the last 2 years, my favorite channel list has dwindled from ESPN, Comedy Central, Golf Channel to basically Golf Channel. I love watching those Golf Channel Classics of Tiger's major wins and just thinking to myself, "this dude is fucking unbelievable."

He's great. He's awesome. Blah Blah Blah. But nothing is better than watching him lap a field one week, and the next come back from 5 strokes with 7 holes left to make a Large South African cry the next.

Do I think he's going to win the Grand Slam? Absofuckinglutely. Why wouldn't I? He's that much better than everyone else. He could play without a driver in the bag and still win by 4 strokes at 7,600 yard Bethpage Black. But here's the thing that pisses me off about him: he talks so little bullshit.

Yea, he made that, "I thought Poulter was number 2," comment, cute. But if I was that good, you couldn't pay me to shut up. I'd talk more shit than anyone has ever heard, and I wouldn't care. I'd just say, "beat me then." Because nobody can.

KELLEN WINSLOW

Drew Rosenhaus wants to get paid but won't be until Kellen renegotiates his contract. Simple as that.

WEED

I fucking love it.

RICH RODRIGUEZ

I fucking hate him.

TERRELLE PRYOR

Oooh. On one hand, we have an uber talented QB who will definitely win OSU a national championship. On the other hand, we have a primadonna who basks in the spotlight.

Eh, fuck it, pay the kid. Give him a Maybach. Give him a private jet for his dad. Give him a palatial suite. We know OSU has the money and aren't afraid to pay some kids to play football.

MOVING FORWARD

I'm going to try and do a daily post again, work has just been rough lately. I don't have the luxury like I used to of just going into work and wasting the first hour going through blogs and picking something to scream about...so, there we go.

Yea...It's Been Awhile

2008-01-31T17:42:00.001-05:00

Nobody probably comes here, so this is probably a waste of time.

Anyways...work has been fucking rough. Sometimes shit gets in the way of the important things in life...like talking about sports.

Summary of my thoughts:
-LeBron is the bestest
-Terrelle Pryor is an asshole
-I hate the Pats

I guess we'll try and get shit going again in the future.

Progressive Field? Could Be Worse

2008-01-11T08:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm officially out of my Buckeye malaise, so it's time to turn my attention to the Cavs and the NFL Playoffs. But today, something new came up...the renaming of Jacobs Field.

I have always abhorred the practice of corporate naming rights on professional sports' stadiums, I think it's disgusting and ruins the integrity of the game. At least we're not like those hypocritical Euro footie clubs who hate everything America stands for, yet at the same time, plaster advertisements all over their UNIFORMS. But I digress.

Progressive Field is not that bad. Sure, we're going to see Progressive Insurance advertisements all over the Jake and everything, but it's not like there aren't hideous ads everywhere to begin with (I will never forgive First Energy for their AWFUL ad...if it was tasteful, that'd be one thing, but First Energy's is not). Plus, it's not like the name of the stadium is some hideous concoction of some corporate name with Field or Park added on to make it seem like it's old school when in reality, the simple naming of the place destroys any connection to the roots of the game.

So the Jake is now Progressive Field, and that's kinda sad, but it could've been much, MUCH worse, and anyways, it'll always be the Jake to everyone who loves it, just like the Q is still the Gund to me.

So join me in bidding a lovely farewell to Jacobs Field, the memories will always live on.

This Shit Better Pay Off Eventually

2008-01-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

Cleveland is known for being a tortured sports city, but after this last year, I think it's safe to say that there isn't a city in America that can come ANYWHERE close to as tortured as we are here. Let's just run the fucking checklist already so I don't bite my own tongue off.

3 Consecutive OSU humiliations in National Championship games (2 football, 1 basketball)
The Cavs getting swept in the NBA Finals
The Indians losing a 3-1 lead in the ALCS
The Browns missing the playoffs despite going 10-6

Holy shit, does it suck right now.

Why does God hate us so much? I mean, it's not like we really did anything wrong here. We already have a half-retarded population here because all the smart young people leave the first chance they get and some of the worst, most unpredictable weather in America, yet whoever is calling the shots upstairs decided to donkey punch us after raping us in the prison's shower. Thanks!!

Last night sucked on so many different levels I really don't care to relive any of it. As a matter of fact, what seemed to be a good idea, a good venting rant, now is a terrible idea, because I don't care anymore. We've suffered enough that, really, nothing else can hurt us any more than the last year has. Oh wait, we still get to watch LeBron leave in a few years and there's always the chance Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson kicks ass elsewhere.

All I'm saying is that I've, and we as a city, have paid our fucking dues and it's about time we see something come from it. Yea, each of those teams mentioned above had their moments of sheer joy that I'll never forget, but, after the fact, it just hurts.

It's not fair that shit-hole cities like Pittsburgh get 5 Super Bowls despite being organisms that can generally be considered human (both fans and management). It's not fair that assholes like Tony Parker and Dwyane Wade can get yet another NBA Championship while LeBron is saddled with Larry Hughes and Sasha Pavlovic. It sure as hell isn't fair that the Red Sox can just outspend everyone else and then watch their NFL team pull heist after heist (and then cheat!) and go 16-0.

The only reason I stick around is because it's going to payoff. It has to. There has to be an end to such a fucking awful streak. Yet, despite our team's relative successes, we know it's going to be hard to sustain it. The Browns have the hardest schedule in the NFL next year. The Cavs are so bogged down by bad contracts and bad management that we might miss out on the LeBron show moving forward. The Tribe is still great, but our chief Division rivals just picked up two young superstars for nothing because some asshat in fucking Florida doesn't care about the sport, only the bottom line. OSU, even if they resemble the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers, probably will get shafted because they blew 2 straight chances in horrible fashion.

But it's going to payoff. We're going to get ONE championship, ANYTHING, and the city will be euphoric. When that time comes, and it will, the law of averages says so, everything will feel resolved. The pain of last night that I've felt all year, and all my life, will be for a reason and my loyalty will feel rewarded. I won't jump ship to another team from another city, even if I move, because it won't mean the same things. Last night certainly sucked major ass, but for some stupid reason I can't explain, it feels like it'll all disappear the moment Cleveland wins something.

In the meantime, I'm going to go self-medicate the shit out of myself until I forget everything I know.

LSU vs. OSU

2008-01-07T13:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to sit here and say OSU will roll and LSU doesn't stand a chance because I don't think any OSU fan will ever do that again after last year. That said, I'm not even sure OSU has much of a chance to begin with.

I like to view these things objectively. When I look at OSU's team and match it up against LSU's, it's not even close in terms of overall talent. LSU has faced a gauntlet of tough opponents. LSU has a stable of NFL bodies. LSU will have home field advantage and their fans are noisy, smart and aggressive. OSU has a defense that is great statistically, but in reality, nobody knows how good they really are. Basically, the one thing OSU has going in it's favor is Beanie Wells.

And I'm fine with all of that.

Today, I feel the same as I did before the 2003 Fiesta Bowl where OSU knocked off Miami. Miami, here's a history lesson, had NFL'ers at every position. OSU had a running back who will not be named. It was one-sided and the press seemed to feel that the Bucks were overmatched completely, and I don't blame them. 99 times out of 100, Miami wins that game going away. Same with this year, only this year, the press has tempered their approach.

OSU will win tonight, not because of talent or anything, but because we have Tressel and LSU has Les Miles. I can't remember being so unimpressed with a college coach as I am with Miles, and despite my opinion meaning jack shit, I usually am pretty accurate with these predictions. Les Miles, simply, is the worst football coach I have ever seen on television other than Larry Coker. This man has been given the top job in the middle of the richest, most fertile recruiting region known to man. Miles doesn't have to go out and look for recruits, he could stay in Louisiana and field a top 5 team every year. Then again, ignorance is bliss.

Why did Michigan want Les Miles? Was it so they could install his brutal base 4-3 defense that he never varies from? Could it be his loyalty to worse players (Matt Flynn, Jacob Hester)? Or maybe it's his great late-game play calling. I will say this, he has huge balls, but retarded people usually do.

I expect Tressel to not let his players embarass him again. I expect Les Miles to walk in cocky and sure of himself. You can't say enough about how bad OSU lost last year, but to think that happens again is ignorant. No repeat contender of any top 5 team (other than Oklahoma) would ever get embarassed again, and Tressel is no different. It'll be close to the end, and there's no way lightning strikes for the 5th time in LSU's favor.

Playoff Update

2008-01-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

At first the Saturday Wild Card playoff round seemed to be off to a snooze fest. Then Todd Collins threw his first interception in 10 years. 10 years? Really? Oh yea, you need to play to throw interceptions. Thats why you are a backup Todd. You played well in recent weeks, but at 36 and not playing real football in 10 years will do that to you. 2 int's, both for TD's. This is what Jim Mora would say about that game:

I don't care who you play, a high school team, a junior college team, a college team, much less an NFL team, when you turn the ball over 2 times, both interceptions, both for touchdowns, you ain't gonna beat anyone that I just talked about. And that was a disgraceful performance in my opinion. He [Todd Collins] threw that game. He gave it away by doing that. He gave 'em the friggin game. In my opinion that sucked.

What that? It was in the playoffs? Playoffs? You're talking to me about Playoffs? Are you kiddin' me? I just hope Todd gets another shot out there to win a game.

Well thanks Jim Mora for your outstanding opinion on that game. I couldn't have said it better myself. I picked the Seahawks to win the game, but I kinda wanted to see the Redskins win the game because of all that Sean Taylor stuff, but it did get kinda annoying after a while. All that "We won by 21" stuff in the pre-game and throughout the game. Its really sad and I give nothing by my condolances and sympathies towards the Washington Redskins organization and the family of Sean Taylor. He is only 5 months older than I am and it really short of shook me up a little bit when I heard about it. However, did anyone notice that they lost by 21 points this time?

Whoo! Michigan! Pathetic.

2008-01-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

You have to love seeing Michigan beat Florida. To be honest, as an OSU fan I wouldn't mind seeing a meteor hit the stadium and wipe out both schools' football programs completely, but since that didn't happen, seeing Florida get beat was pretty nice.

Fuck both teams, but fuck Michigan more. Now you decide to actually try? Now you decide to do something other than the most basic offense you could think of? If you played like that against OSU, you might have actually won more than 0 times in the last 4 years. What an overrated bunch of pussies...well, maybe they weren't overrated, just lazy, or not coached well...fuck it, it's all of the above.

I cannot stand Mike Hart. I think he is the biggest asshole in the world, bar none. He is the epitome of the phrase, "big fish in a little pond." 4 yards per carry is a decent average in the NFL where the defenses are bigger, faster and stronger, but Mike Hart doesn't play in the NFL. Mike Hart didn't fumble in 1,000 whatever carries...AWESOME. Listen, that's nice and all, but that's the same thing as celebrating David Garrard for not throwing any interceptions yet only throwing 2 TD's.

Mr. Hart was jawing like usual, and played like he usually does, getting stupid little runs and getting up like he's some tough dude. He couldn't be more arrogant despite being so run of the mill. I don't understand how you could honestly root for such a douchebag, such a prick.

Anyways, since the game went to Michigan, I give Llllllllllllllllloyd Carr a single clap. It was great beating the crap out of you and it was nice to give OSU fans the gift of beating the team that embarassed them almost a year ago, but at the same time, why did you decide to try aggressive stuff now? Why didn't you actually try to beat OSU instead of trying not to lose? Whatever, fuck 'em both.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone...

Brady Quinn's First NFL Appearance Live Blog

2007-12-30T14:09:00.000-05:00

Derek Anderson got a little beat up on a Michael Lewis blitz...reports from CLEVELAND'S OWN Tony Rizzo say Brady might get in now as the Fox cameras show him warming up on the sideline...OMG OMG OMG He's so cute.
Fucking Browns need to at least get a stop first things first. Fucking Christ Kamerion mother fucking ass fucking whore. Don't you realize that we wanna see Brady Quinn you fucking 5-10 pieces of shit ass fuck bitch? Goddamned Tourette's is kicking my ass right now.
GO PEYTON MANNING!!!! Dude, get a fucking life. Don't root for someone else to lose, that's just not the way to roll. And if you're going to, fucking do it at home, don't wear a Peyton jersey to a Browns-49ers game.
And the Browns defense lets a fucker who was a 47 year old Heisman winner at Free Shoes University, and the only QB in NFL history to lose 15 straight games hit a physically-damned Darrell Jackson for a TD. Can we say every draft pick will be spent on defense? Yes, we can.
Josh Cribbs is the best-est.
Here's the man himself, coming into a huge ovation. That's gotta be a good feeling.
That was an awful first pass. AWFUL. Lots of pressure tho.
Rumor has it, Jamal will be here for awhile. Great signing, the man clearly is back, but it would be wise to still try and sign Michael Turner.
The same pass, haven't you been watching on the sideline? Vickers hasn't caught a pass all year, doesn't matter if it hits him right in the hands or not. Decent pass.
Then he hits Heiden for a pretty first down. Nice seam, hit him on the wrong shoulder, but Heiden is pretty underrated and can still make that catch. Decent pass, good catch, still Quinn fit it through a window and got some nice yards. He has a lot more arm strength than people were saying during the draft. Granted, DA still has the best arm on the team, Quinn isn't Chad Pennington here, haven't seen great accuracy yet, but then again, he's only thrown 3 passes so maybe I should stop being a douchebag.
Gets another one. Joe J. makes a nice underneath catch, ball was right in there. Effective if not spectacular, haven't really taken any shots.
Whoo. There's a nice pass to Winslow in the flat. Looked like Vickers was the intended target, but he somehow found Winslow on a different level, nice play, throw and catch.
Missed fade pass, just too much on it and Clements had really good position. Nate Clements, from Shaker Heights (Cleveland suburb), is always going to get that position and he's one of the best at jamming at the line.
Braylon dropped that one. Tough catch to make in traffic, but it was a solid throw even if it was a little late, but still, safe and out of reach from any defender.
WTF??? Kellen had that for the first TD. Right there, good pass, nice first showing. That'll probably be it until the half...DA or Brady in the 2nd? Hmm...smells like a controversy.

That'll be it for now until the 2nd half. I'm gonna go watch Die Hard 3.

2nd Half:

Brady or DA? Brady or DA? I'm not going to lie, if it's DA, I'm outta here. We expect him to be good. Well, it's DA. I'll stick around for a second. Damnit Romeo. Why start making good decisions now? Fuck.
I bet if K2 catches that...Quinn keeps going.
Dear God is Joshua Cribbs fucking amazing. Who cares that he was holding, it was still sweet. JC Pearson makes a great point...why even kick to him? That was a bush call too.
Patrick Willis is just ridiculous. What an amazing pick. But he's not a 3-4 LB. He would be an unstoppable force if you got him two big chunkies in there to let him do his thing, he'd get 15 tackles a game without even sweating.
Haha. Booing DA for a near INT. Classy stuff people. Right, boo the guy that got you to 9-6 after years of going 4-12. Sometimes I just want to kill people here. It's fucking obnoxious. Then he goes out and perfectly sells a shovel pass that gets a good gain with great blocking for Jason Wright by Ryan Tucker.
Awesome pass by DA. Seriously, this is his first year too. DA can fit shit in at any level, you can't just give up on that. He's going to get better, and if he doesn't...then we have a backup plan. Let the man develop without having to look over his back. It's not like he's a 30 year old journeyman, he's a 24 year old with 3 years already in the NFL. That's called a solid plan executed.
Kellen Winslow's handwriting looks like a 4th grade girl's. Just sayin'.
Good lookin' throwing it out of bounds. DA has improved over the course of the season. His decision making, aside from last week's debacle, has become somewhat solid.
Dear God, Patrick Willis. Layin' the wood. That man is my hero, coming from his background to what he has become...you don't want to get hit by a guy like that. He's putting every ounce of pain from his hard childhood into each hit and it shows.

I'm gonna get out of here and just watch the game. Brady looked OK, but it was a smart move sitting him down. He got a taste and hopefully he can learn from that, but for now, DA is the right choice.

This is the Most Boring Day at Work...EVAR!!!!!!

2007-12-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking shitballed asshatting motherfuckers. Today is atrocious. Today is easily the most bored I've been since that huge ass power outage a few years ago that knocked out half the electricity to the Eastern part of the US and I was out of weed. EASILY. Perhaps even moreso.

See, I'm working in a black hole right now. Nobody wants to do shit, nobody is here to do shit and I don't have shit to do BUT I have to be here. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

"Oh, we don't have shit for you to do, and we won't be here but you gotta sit in your fucking chair that doesn't recline all day and try not to abuse your internet access."

I don't know about you people, but it's hard to keep my attention for 30 seconds let alone 8 hours. 8 hours of fucking boredom.

So because I'm bored, I'd like to send a shoutout to a few blogs that helped me keep from slitting my wrists.

-Deaspin

Yep, that's it.

I love a lot of different blogs. The Big Lead is a personal favorite as is KSK and With Leather. But those blogs have done SHIT today. I've been reading LSU blogs trying to glean some knowledge about the impending NC game, but they're too drunk off bong, fire and swamp water that they can't even stand up yet still maintain SEC Speed is legit.

I usually exchange emails with AC all day long, but he has magically disappeared. I think he's helping some dude with cerebral palsy buy a football helmet or something equally funny yet sad. Palsy is sad, but the idea of protecting a mentally handicapped person with a Riddell Revolution is just about the funniest thing I can think of.

Seriously, we have a bunch of retards, why not give em football helmets? Why should we waste football helmets on a bunch of stupid kids who can't play (and don't want to play) when we can give 'em to retarded people and let them run into shit? THAT'S why I'm going to be the next president people...I'm a fucking visionary.

So we get this new kid in here, the kid is a douchebag. This fucker has a personality like this dry wall that encases me in corporate hell and is short, a double whammy. I don't like short people because I myself have a Napoleonic complex. I hate people shorter than me because what right do they have to bitch if I'm already bitching? I hate people taller than me because I always wanted to shop at a tall-store. I'm 6' even so I'm right in the middle. I have a middle complex.

Anyways, this fucking twat has curly hair and is about 5'2''. Seriously. What, you couldn't break 5'3''? Would it really be that hard to pray a little extra to whatever you pray for just so you could grow an inch? What, couldn't drink any more dairy? What, don't have German or Nordic blood? Suck a dick.

This kid is just SOOOOO BOOORRRRIIIINNNGGG. He is the personification of my day so far. He doesn't speak, doesn't initiate conversation, and when he does respond, it's usually one or two words at the most. But in those one or two words, you hear the biggest condescending prick ever. I don't understand that. How can you look down at someone when you're as tall as a 3rd grader?

I'm going to cut his brake lines.

On to more important things...my New Year's Resolution. This year, as in years past, I will not kill anyone. I haven't killed anyone yet, so therefore I'm on a 23 year streak of awesomeness. People...if you have some big, glorified goal for 2008, you're only fooling yourself. Not only that, but you're downright un-American. It's the American way to set your goals so low, that you'll invariably reach them, it's what our country was founded on.

Think about it for a second. Our founding fathers are lauded for their industrial nature. Yet, while noble and progressive, their model for government just oozed laziness. "Um...just govern yourselves all right? That's not good? Then vote on someone else to choose your shit for you." Wow.

Westward expansion? Just more land for rich people to force others to work.

Our favorite sport employs people who are urged to be as fat as they can.

Our "national pastime" (can we switch that to football yet?) GAINFULLY employs David Wells and Bartolo Colon.

Nothing gets done here because everyone is busy throwing it on someone else's desk, so why should you do something noble with the gift of a New Year? Fuck that. Aim low. Say you'll tie your shoes every morning, mow your lawn throughout November...STOP FUCKING POPPING THOSE GOD-DAMNED FUCKING BUBBLE WRAP SHEETS ASSHOLE.

What the fuck? The one motherfucker in my office decides to be the most annoying prick he possibly can. This dude has to weigh at least 400 lbs. He's your typical IT guy; ugly, socially ignorant, self-inflated, arrogant and obnoxious. I'm considering pissing in my co-worker's computer just so he'll have something to do and he'll stop fucking popping bubble wrap.

I'm gonna go smoke weed in my car then take a nap in the chick's bathroom.

Browns' PFT Rumors

2007-12-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

I love Pro Football Talk. It's easily my favorite football website going around (well, other than Football Outsiders) and the treasure chest of inside information is always a lovely view of the inner workings of the NFL.

There are two rumors running around on there that have me a little more than EXTREMELY FUCKING EXCITED...

-Dolphins are interested in DA...and willing to give up their first rounder.

-Dolphins are interested in Romeo.

OK, the prospect of getting Darren McFadden is enough to give any Browns, or any other NFL fanbase, a offseason long boner that can break walnuts and solve crimes but let's be realistic here...it isn't going to happen, and perhaps that's a good thing. Do we really want $35 million invested in a RB? Eh...

But at the same time, it's D-Mac added to the ridiculous offense we already have. The problem is, he's a luxury, a bonus. We don't need D-Mac, we need a defensive line. Sure, I'd welcome a first round pick that high, but is Miami really willing to abandon that pick just to secure a QB who has been erratic?

I'm a big DA fan, but his regression over the last few games has me a little concerned about his ceiling. I don't know what to make of Quinn, seeing as he has no NFL experience, but with the recievers we have, I'd be willing to take a flier on him if a DA trade gets some good draft picks in return. If we had Darrell Jackson, Arnez Battle and Ashley Lelie as our starting WR's (ahem...SF) there's no way I'd consider getting rid of DA, but the fact remains, we have a top flight corps of pass catchers with an elite pass protecting line. Oh, and a pretty solid running game regardless of who is in there...it seems to me that the Browns' situation is tailor made for any QB to succeed. If you can get a piece that'll add some serious meat to the offense, you might as well do it seeing as there is room for error at the QB position right now.

Romeo is an interesting case. Is he that good a coach? The players sure seem to like him a whole lot, but has he really improved his 'production' over the course of this year? The answer is murky at best. His first two years were rough, due to the shitty rosters and injuries, but at the same time, his decisions were suspect. His infamous challenge record is a dubious honor as is his timeout usage. He's a players coach for sure, but it wasn't long ago that Kellen and Braylon were openly criticizing him.

I'm of the school of thought that says NFL coaches are the most valuable in professional sports. In baseball and basketball, the coach is really not that big of a deal (esp MLB, at least in the NBA a good coach can impact the game at some sort of level, in the MLB you have fucks like Tony LaRussa doing shit they don't need to do just so they can be called a genius) but in the NFL, you need a leader who is infallible in his decisions and Romeo just isn't that.

Now, I'm not advocating a coaching change, if anything, I'd like to avoid one. But the fact remains, if the Tuna in Miami throws some good draft picks our way, we'd be foolish not to jump at the chance to grab them. Who would coach in Romeo's place? I'd say give Chud a chance, but we're not even close to that situation happening.

Basically, the PFT rumors are nice. They're a diversion to the shit our season has turned into after one shitty game, but be realistic. These things aren't happening and, ultimately, it's probably for the better.

Bulls Fire Scott Skiles

2007-12-25T11:01:00.000-05:00

On December 24, 2007, Scott Skiles was fired as the Head Coach of the Chicago Bulls. Its apparently not the first time that a coach was fired on Christmas Eve. I don't know who else, but ESPN said so. So if their accuracy on this is anything like the injury reporting of John Clayton, this could be a first. It's not, but I don't have a list of who was. Nor do I particularly care. I think more sports organizations should do this. Stick it to them for wasting 4 years of your life. In Skiles case you can make an argument that he didn't deserve to be fired yet because he has brought the Bulls to the playoffs for the first time since the Jordan Era. Everyone hates this guy.

Everywhere Skiles goes, he ruins the bond of players and coaches in the locker room. Why do you think this team is underachieving? You can say what you want about the off court distractions like contracts and possible trades. Or you could look at the total mismanagement of the game. He can't find minutes for guys who could be legitimate players. This guy just destroys the locker room. Players can't play for this guy. He is a power crazy, control freak. Who cares if Ben Wallace wears a headband during games? It's Ben fucking Wallace.

He's got two of the same caliber player at multiple positions. Deng and Noccioni, Noah, Thomas, and Wallace. And he's just too unsure to do with Hinrich, Gordon, Duhon, and Sefolosha. All these guys have a rightful claim to minutes and aren't getting the chance. You could even throw Aaron Gray in that mix. All of their scoring comes from the outside, unless its off a rebound.

All of the success of the Bulls is based around the way Skiles played the game. Guards who can shoot the ball. What's happening this year? Those guards are broke. They can't hit a jumper to save their life, let alone the job of the coach they all don't like. That's a lot of motivation to get into the gym and work out a slump or to get an extra shooting session in after practice. That Nazi coach who won't let your "big time free agent signing" wear a headband? I'm sorry that I keep going back to that, but I just think thats so funny. What is this CYO? Chill out Scott. Good luck finding a new organization to shit on.

Breaking News: Skip Bayless has just said that the Suns vs Lakers is a bigger rivalry than Ohio State and Michigan. What is with this guy? How does he still have a job? He chose a two to three year old tiff. They just happen to find themselves in the same spot every year: only good enough to just make the playoffs no matter what happened in the regular season. This guy needs shit canned ASAP. He's just as bad as Emmitt Smith, only he can read and write.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Bitches.

September 16, 2007...The Day it all Started

2007-12-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was nice out still, sunny, pleasant, and for some reason I really didn't dwell on the dismal week prior. It was a typical Sunday for me, woke up late, made myself a King's breakfast, smoked a bong, watched NFL Countdown and looked at golf clubs online. In my mind, I was on the precipice of December...as in the Browns' season was already into the doldrums.

So I drive over to AC's apartment to watch the game, low expectations, yet optimistic still that the Browns could salvage something. I mean, come on, the Bengals just thrashed the 13-3 Ravens on Monday Night Football and have a recent history of running up the score.

The game started uneventful enough. Then as it progressed, something strange happened, and I'll never forget the words I said to AC as the game evolved...

"Holy shit, an NFL quality throw? The Browns?"

This was still early in the game and to say that DA's bar was set low would be a vast overstatement. Really, who knew what to expect? Sure he looked good in the Chiefs game, but not really THAT good.

How wrong we all were.

I'll never forget the sheer awe I sat in watching DA sling passes around like there wasn't a defense there. Well, it was the Bengals D so I might have been right. It was offensive perfection, just thinking about it makes me happy and gleeful despite the fact that I'm sitting in this bullshit office thingee with investment statements all around me.

Offensive perfection. There are no other words to describe that day. It was a beautiful performance, by both teams really, but that was to be expected from the Bengals. It was great seeing Chad Johnson, still cocky, acting like a douchebag. It almost seemed like he thought he was breaking the Browns' back whenever he or Housh scored. To be honest, I expected it myself. I expected the onslaught to end, I mean look at the previous week, I didn't expect 24 points to be scored until the 4th week of the season, let alone in one half.

But it just never stopped, and not only did it not stop, it got even more ridiculous. With Jamal Lewis looking like a 2,000 yard rusher again and absolutely torching DB's to the offensive line opening up holes that this bitch could get through it seemed surreal...

But the day belonged to DA. Kellen Winslow was an established NFL player at this point. Braylon Edwards was a promising young WR entering his 3rd year, a benchmark for young WR's to emerge. Joe J. was a savvy vet, you knew what you were getting with him. You knew the talent was there, just waiting...

Then the strong-armed Scapposian comes in and starts chucking the ball downfield...I didn't know what to expect. The ball he threw was gorgeous, the prototypical spiral, cutting through the air like a torpedo through water. It was the perfect storm that nobody could see coming, a Nor'easter slamming into the coast 20 minutes after it was clear as glass.

In the preseason, it was Brady Quinn this, Brady Quinn that. Amongst the media slobbing, Browns fans missed the tell-tale signs, the quips that of the three, DA was the one who Chud favored for this offense. We had no idea. All of the sudden, on September 16, this tall, lanky goofball starts chucking these darts downfield. I was fucking shocked. How the hell could he honestly think these were going to be complete? What the fuck is this? The Charlie Frye era totally destroyed any thought of a downfield passing game, I was used to checkdowns. But when Braylon and Joe started hauling these things in, it was like Christmas.

And it never stopped. All of the sudden, Braylon and Kellen are getting 30 yard touchdowns like it's Madden on Rookie, everything was complete. The offense had more than swagger, it had a definite chip. They were acting like they couldn't be stopped. Just when you thought Cincy would catch up, start playing the D they played on MNF 6 days prior, Jamal would burst one for a huge gain. It was sheer madness.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't believe this was really happening. I didn't believe that the Browns, my Browns, were actually outgunning one of the top offenses in the NFL. I didn't believe that Jamal Lewis actually ran for 200 yards. I didn't believe that Derek fucking Anderson actually threw for 5 TD's. It just felt imagined.

Since September 16, the Browns have established themselves as one of the more balanced and efficient offenses in the NFL. From pass-heavy to run-heavy, they can do it all. The offensive line has emerged as a dominant force, the recievers and tight ends, almost uguardable, the running backs, effectively versatile. Lost in the whole craziness was the continued development of the great return game, Josh Cribbs delivering numerous ridiculous returns. The Browns are able to score on anyone in a variety of ways.

Since then, we have been beaten in games we, in hindsight, should have won (Raiders, Steelers, Cardinals). We have played the Patriots in a game that was much closer than most people realized. We have had overtime thrillers, thorough beatdowns, and had to close out a few scary games.

We have realized that Joe Thomas was the right pick. We have realized that Braylon Edwards was the only member of his top-10 draft pick peers to actually deserve his selection. We have realized that Jamal Lewis isn't done. We realized our defense misses Brian Russell more than you'd think we'd miss a slow, white defensive back. Yet, out of all of this, the Browns have emerged a strong, fundamentally sound team that should scare the shit out of people from here on out.

September 16, 2007 was the day the Browns found their identity. The parts were all there, but DA was the key that started the engine. Since that day, the reversal of AFC North fortunes were flipped. No longer were the Browns the guaranteed win they were in the past, now the Bengals and the Ravens were the whipping boys. The Steelers are now genuinely concerned. Winning is not only desired, it is expected, and it all started after the 51-45 shootout.

With the rematch looming this weekend, the Bengals have little to play for outside of assuming the role of a spoiler, while the Browns are playing for their postseason. Win and we're in. Lose, and it's going to get interesting.

Will Cincy show up? Will the rift emerging between the talented recieving corps and the marquee QB break this team apart? Will the Bengals even bother to try knowing that they have nothing to play for? Or will they avenge their humiliation, the ruining of their season to a group of guys the rest of the league laughed at?

The matchup is still the same...poor defenses trying to stop high-octane offenses. The location has changed, as has the season, but if you expect the same style of game, you're out of touch with the game.

It's not the fact that the Bengals are 5-9, it's that it seems more and more as if their top players genuinely hate each other. It's that the Cincy o-line is atroucious at best and open like Jamie Lynn Spears' legs at their worst. It's that, despite the improved play of the defense, they're still allowing a 66% completion percentage by opposing quarterbacks. It's that they're still the Bengals, the team that has finished above .500 exactly once since electricity was discovered. It's that the Benglas are the laughingstocks they always have been.

I'm not predicting an outcome for Sunday's game, I'm still not 100% sold on the Browns' defense. However, it is clear that if you look at the two teams, one is clearly on the same page and the other is on the brink of catastrophe. This game will make or break each other's seasons, continuing the ripple caused by September 16. If the Browns win, we'll look to this day as the day it all started. If the Bengals lose, serious evaluation of this frachise's long-term course must be undertaken.

It'd be foolhardy to look at this game as an easy win for the Browns. The Bengals will be fired up, avenging the destruction of their season will be on the top of their minds. The game is in Cincy, never an easy place for the Browns in the recent past. But the weather is cold, and I can think of no one better than Jamal Lewis to properly euligize the Bengals' season with a hammer-like performance, nailing the coffin shut. One long Browns drive and the game could be over quickly, but if September 16 was any indication, smart money's on the over.

Terrelle Pryor and Rich Rod

2007-12-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

I have a total statutory man crush on Terrelle Pryor, the football prospect out of Pennsylvania who is drawing comparisons to Vince Young. As any Buckeye fan knows, OSU is at the top of his list. Well...fuckin' Rich Rodriguez.

Yea, it's a small little picadillo that could result in this wunderkind going to that whore Ann Arbor, but you know what? It really isn't that big of a deal.

If OSU gets this kid...we'll win a national championship.

If Michigan gets him...eh, no big deal.

Why? Easy. Rich Rod, while being a good coach, is a terrible fit for Michigan.

First off...Michigan fans can no longer say they value ethics over winning. That became blatantly false the minute they hired Rich Rod and his lovely history of getting well mannered players (ahem...Pacman and Chris Henry). Reading Michigan blogs, the most common retort is, "yea, but now he'll have the resources to get better behaving players." Right, but when you have a guy who was willing to accept ROTTEN apples, why would he suddenly change?

Second, he's implementing the polar opposite offensive system that Michigan's current players were recruited to execute. The common retort...he was successful with Shaun King in a pass first spread. My common retort...Tulane plays whom...smells like Hawaii.

When has Rich Rod won a big game? Against Georgia in the Sugar Bowl? Eh...Georgia looked like they could give two shits less until WVU's 28 first quarter points woke them up, which led to Georgia locking WVU the fuck down. He choked this year against Pitt. He has choked twice against South Florida. He choked last year against Louisville. He plays in the Big East, it's not like WVU is going through LSU, Florida, Auburn, Georgia, and Arkansas. Fuck, that Pitt loss is inexcusable, nevermind the rest.

Even if Pryor goes to Michigan, it really won't matter. You can't just tell zone-blocking offensive linemen to start blocking for the spread, it doesn't work that way. You can't tell your cutback, downhill power backs to immediately cut off .3 seconds off their 40 time and start running out of the shotgun, it doesn't work that way. You can't tell...you get the picture. My point is, he isn't going to have the pieces around him that Vince Young had. Even if Rich Rod gets Pryor, he won't have any other big recruits because he's entering the game too late. Plus, if you think Pryor is sticking around for 4 years, please stop sniffing glue.

If I was Pryor, I'd be looking at the coaches. Sure, OSU's style of offense isn't suited to your talents...right now. But Troy Smith's version sure looked like you'd fit right in. My point is when you mention Rich Rod's offense, you get a clear picture of what it is. When you mention Tressel's...things get a little cloudy.

Before Troy, it was Tressel-ball. Grind the clock, power running, no turnovers. With Troy, that all changed. Now, Boeckman runs an offense that incorporates the best elements of both styles, a versatile passing game that favors possession yet has 2 legit deep threats and is augmented by a power running game behind a line of 315+ pound maulers. You don't think that Tressel could adapt to Pryor? Dumbass.

Sure, Rich Rod's system fits him like a glove. But you also have to deal with the coach himself. Tressel isn't going anywhere. Michigan has a sieve-like defense that isn't getting any better and has a coach who had no problem leaving his alma-mater, do you really think he'd have any second thoughts leaving Michigan for a possible Florida State (if Jimbo Fisher goes elsewhere), Miami (Randy Shannon is not the answer) or a top-tier SEC school?

Pryor is a great talent. But the way I see it, he's like a sport-tuned car suspension. OSU is like a Shelby GT Mustang...versatile enough to do anything. Michigan is like an 1996 Pontiac Trans-Am. Not the greatest year for the model, doesn't have many modern features, but has a new paint job (Rich Rod). The suspension (Pryor) would be a much better fit on a better car (OSU) rather than a nice part on a shitty car (Michigan). Sure, this is asinine and completely biased, but why go to a school that has 4 (soon to be 5) straight Bowl losses and a 1 out of their last 7 streak against their chief rivals?

Let me put it this way...would you rather go to a school that wins, or a school that loses? You turn around the losing school...you're the man, I'll give you that. You don't, you're a cautionary tale. You go to OSU, you win a national championship and cement your name amongst the legends, the Tommie Frazier's, the Vince Young's, the Matt Leinart's.

OSU is stocked. They have 4 (!) of the top 10 offensive linemen recruits committed (either soft or verbal) and you have a pipeline of new talent being poured in from Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida and Ohio. You have a coach who's name is uttered in hushed tones. You have a program which is amongst the nation's elite. Why go to a dying program, stuck in their own quicksand? Why trust a coach who flirted with another school last season, then abandoned his alma mater the next? Why go to a school which recently made history for being the first top-5 school to lose to a 1-AA school...ON THEIR HOME TURF?

I don't care if you come to OSU anymore. I realize that Tressel has a backup plan, and we'll be fine no matter what. We're looking at a top 10 team for the next 3 forseeable years and are enjoying the fruits of success. We're in our 2nd consecutive national championship game. We'll be fine with or without you. Sure, you'd look great in Scarlet and Gray, but if you'd rather wear Maize and Blue, enjoy losing.

Choose wisely Terrelle.

My New Favorite Player in the NBA

2007-12-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

Gordan Giricek.

This dude is the man. Why you ask? Because he hates Jerry Sloan as much as I do. I can't stand Sloan and it makes me hate him even more that he has a decent team to coach. I'd like to see him slip on a patch of ice outside the arena, break his hip, and no one stop to help him. That's my Christmas wish. Anyone Mormons out there, hook it up.

Larry H. Miller, the owner (also a huge douche sack), is taking his coaches side on this one. Obviously. Miller owns a movie complex somewhere in Utah and when the movie Brokeback Mountain came out he banned the movie from any of his theater screens. Normally I applaud such dickheaded behavior, but this guy is just clueless. He is ignorant and acts like he is above everyone else.

Hugh has often asked me, if I could kill any "celebrity" who would I choose. Well he would unanimously choose Oprah, well I'd go for for Sloan. I'd choose to hunt him for sport. I don't understand these two guys though. First there was the incident at the beginning of the season with Andrei Kirilenko, who, in my opinion, is one of the most versatile players in the NBA. Plus the dude looks like Ivan Drago from Rocky and thats only a positive on the hardwood.

The reason why I probably hate these two members of the Utah Jazz so much is because they brought in players like John Stockton, Karl Malone, Jeff Hornacek, Greg Ostertag, Byron Russell , and George Foster into the league or kept them employed. I just don't seem to understand their logic with these players. Their reasoning for this whole Giri deal is because they feel that he is too selfish or something. Well does that really merit being kicked off the bench during a game, being banished from the team's road trip to Atlanta, being singled out in front of your teammates and fans, and left alone as the team moves forward? I really don't think so. I mean Giri's not the best player in the NBA by any means, but I find it hard to believe that a guy that they feel is too "selfish" deserves this kind of treatment.

According to ESPN Insider's Rumor Central, the douchey owner made some comments about how they are handling him. "'I think the notion is that he's selfish enough to try to get his shot and his points,' Miller said, 'that he'll do what he needs to do to do that in spite of what the coaches tell him to do or ask him to do or whatever you want to call it.'"

Giri is an average NBA player. He won't make or break anyone's team, but he plays a role and that role helped get that team to the Western Conference Finals last year. Speaking of last year, he had a pretty decent season. He averaged 7.8 points, 1 assist, 2 rebounds per game last year, while shooting 46.2% from the field, 81.6% from the charity stripe, and 42.6% from deep. Those aren't numbers that will get you Lebron or Kobe type money, but they'll keep you somewhere in the league. This season he is averaging 4.6 shots per game. With that in mind, I'd hate to see what unselfish play is to Jerry Sloan. This season's numbers are all down. Everything.

In my mind, if Sloan doesn't like this guy, thats fine. But don't decide to play him and then yank him and make him look like an outcast. Just bury him on the pine and wait for the season to end and trade him, cut him, or buy him out. I fail to believe that this is the best way to handle that situation, being in such a public forum like oh say, an NBA arena. He treated him as though he were a 6 year old who just got caught stealing some candy from the local drug store in front of 20,000 fans at Energy Solutions Areana and needed a spanking. Thats bush league man.

To me Sloan is just abusing his power as the head coach of an ultra gay NBA franchise. What Jazz is there in Utah? Seriously what have you really accomplished? Jerry, I know your players have won a lot of games for you (1035-689), but in my mind, that doesn't make you a good coach. A good coach to me is someone who cares for his players and instills in them the belief that their system will work with the right amount of work and effort. Yes, getting players to buy into a system isn't the easiest thing in the world, but if you were a decent coach or human being then you may have a championship ring to boast. Overall Jerry, you may know basketball, but until you learn basketball players, you'll NEVER win that coveted NBA Championship.

Why Do They Insist on Playing Basketball During Football Season?

2007-12-21T11:17:00.000-05:00

This happened last night. There were a few blurbs about it on ESPN, but other than that, it was pretty low key in terms of hype...which leads me to this question. Why on earth does the NBA insist on starting their regular season so early?

Football is king. In terms of ratings and coverage on sports networks, it's second to none, and it really isn't even close. Even when the football season is months and months away, NFL news still infiltrates the media shitstorm because that's what people care about.

When the NFL season is over, yea, then basketball is the main feature (since hockey shit the bed) but really, the length of the NBA season is ridiculous even when compared to the MLB season. Starting in October? Come on, Golf gets better ratings. Now is the time when basketball should be starting off, I know it's completely unrealistic but I don't care. We have the bowl layoff in college football and the NFL is about to close out the regular season so we need another avenue of sports entertainment...BINGO. The NBA season.

Why do NBA players only play 3 times per week? That makes no sense. Yea, it's a physical game, but it's not like these guys need that much time off. In the current NBA landscape, outside of Utah, San Antonio and Detroit, there are no 'plays.' Why spend time practicing when you can just go out and play? It's ridiculous. Remember the days when the playoffs used to have games on consecutive nights? Were the players tired then? Jesus Christ, these guys are some of the best conditioned athletes in the world (Shaq, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph...you're not included), you mean to tell me that playing an extra game per week would kill them?

The only people who give a shit about the NBA right now are the diehards. Sure, when the NFL season is over I devote my entire attention to the NBA, but right now? I could care less, except for fantasy that is... The playoff field is so wide, it really dilutes the whole regular season. Why try hard when a sub-.500 record will get you in? Maybe if they cut down the field that would help solve some of the problems, but right now, it's a mess. Do we really need 8 teams from each conference? Sure you get a Golden State scenario every now and then, but that's hardly the norm. Look at baseball's playoffs, they're arguably the most dramatic postseason event in professional sports and why? Because the field is limited to the teams that truly deserve to be there. Look at all the sweeps last year in the first round of the NBA playoffs...real exciting there guys.

Eh, whatever, I'll probably get made fun of by a certain collaborator who gets a hard-on from roundball, but to be honest, I'd rather watch Silly Season golf than watch November basketball. Nothing is better than watching a bunch of mistakes and watching certain guys try and get back into shape. Fun stuff.

PS: LeBron is better than Kobe, and yes, I watched the entire game (while flipping back between 2007 US Open highlights on the golf channel).

The Bill Parcells Coaching FUPA Tree

2007-12-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

Much has been made about the legacy coaches bestow on the rest of the league. Bill Walsh spread his influence, not only through the 49ers organization, but throughout the league by way of his assistants rising in prominence and being given coaching jobs elsewhere. Coaches like Mike Holmgren, Andy Reid and Jon Gruden are current incarnations of Walsh's coaching philosophies, amongst many others. A more modern equivalent would be the Tony Dungy coaching tree, counting guys like Lovie Smith and Mike Tomlin as legacies.

While the Bill Parcells tree might be the one of the most influential, I'm here to argue that his legacy on the FUPA amongst NFL coaches might be the most significant.

For those in the dark, a FUPA is an acronym for Fat Upper Pussy Area and refers to the resemblance of the midsection creating a bubble of sorts resulting in a lovely, egg shaped torso. The FUPA, or gunt (as in gut-cunt), is a terrible condition resulting in years of being a fat fuck as well as having superior FUPA genes.

The gunt is even more-so evident when clothing is selected which highlights this area. Choices such as pleated pants/shorts which are worn where the waist is normally located really brings out the best of a wonderful FUPA. Parcells is the master of this, and his torch has been brandished by current coaches in his stead. Parcells not only taught these guys how to coach, no, he taught them the value of a gunt's influence on their team. A powerful leader is exemplified by a powerful gunt.

BILL PARCELLS: Gunt-king, overlord if you will. Sure, there are better pictures than this one, but none of them give such a wonderful side-view of the gunt. Notice the gut hanging down well below his waist line. Notice the supple lovehandles that consumate the egg-shape. Notice the flabby, flesh fanny pack that is seemingly notched below his belt. This, in it's most visceral form, is the FUPA.

CHARLIE WEIS: If Parcells is the Joe Montana of the gunt, then Weis is Tom Brady. This is the modern evolution of the Parcells-gunt. This FUPA is like a wolf in that it is unable to be tamed. Weis tried, oh yes, but man has not made staples that can keep this gunt under control. Instead of stomach staples, they should have spot-welded the bastard.

ROMEO CRENNEL: He hits close to home. More walrus than Humpty Dumpty, Romeo is more traditional in his guntery. He embodies the Parcells spirit and loyalty to pleated pants. He doesn't have the pinched-off look that Weis has, instead actually tries to avert attention away from his.

ERIC MANGINI: Oh, you sly dog you. Trying to conceal such a lovely specimen with your fancy windbreaker and baggy shorts.

MARK MANGINO: Who cares that he probably has never even met Parcells, a gunt like this doesn't grow on a tree.

There are a ton more, in fact, it seems that football coaches love the gunt almost as much as they love the forward pass...which is a lot. If I were running an NFL team, I'd look for two things...players with a history of violent crimes and a tempermental coach with a gunt...that's my recipe for success.

Apologies to Denny Green, Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, Barry Alvarez, Wade Phillips, Rick Majerus (who cares that he's a basketball coach?), and Mike Sherman.

Browns Fans: SIGN THIS PETITION

2007-12-19T10:40:00.000-05:00

Sign this...

How in the FUCK could anyone even consider changing the Browns' uniforms? Give me a fucking break. The one bastion of tradition remaining in the NFL, and there's actual consideration being given to CHANGING IT????

You either love or hate the Browns' unis, it's a fact of life. But they're still an indentifying characteristic of the organization. Face it, as indentifiable as the Cowboys' star is, or the Raiders' crest, or the Dolphins' Coke-bottle dolphin with the mismatched helmet logo is, the Browns' lack of ANY logo is what fans identify the team with. You mention the Browns to anyone and the first thing they would most likely mention is the lack of a helmet logo and the traditional uniforms.

Please, PLEASE, stick with tradition, keep the uniforms sacred, as a part of the team's history, I beg of you.

Wow...I Guess I was Wrong About the Browns Being Good

2007-12-18T16:32:00.000-05:00

Cribbs and Braylon? That's it? Really?

Jonathan Ogden gets to go over Joe Thomas...really?

Tony Gonzalez gets to go over Kellen Winslow...really?

Steinbach doesn't make it? What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

Great system...the team with the fewest sacks allowed doesn't even get ONE lineman in. The tight end who teams HAVE to double team doesn't get in over a guy who's production doesn't come close to what it used to.

Listen, I can't complain about DA not getting in, the AFC simply has too many good QB's for everyone to make it. But Joe Thomas and Steinbach not making it is a fucking joke. The Browns have the single best line in the NFL and, yet, nobody gets in because some guy who has SUCKED this year makes it because he's been in for the last decade...despite missing a bunch of games...and despite being a shell of his former self...something even HE will admit.

Tony Gonzalez needed 11 more receptions to equal Kellen's numbers, and he isn't sharing the ball with anyone and is playing for a team that doesn't matter. Who has been more responsible for his team's success: K2 or Tony G? Well, when you say success, that really doesn't apply to the Chiefs.

Yea, DA, Joe, Steinbach, and Kellen are all first alternates, meaning one of them will probably make it (my guess is Joe based on Ogden not wanting to make the trip) but come on. Give respect where it's due. When the Browns finally get Pro Bowl caliber players, they get the shaft. Fuck that.

The Merits of the BCS

2007-12-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

Why is college football revered in so many parts of the country and college basketball not? Yea, college basketball has it's little month in the sun where the whole country gets up and acts like they were paying attention the whole time. It's funny, and I love to take part in it.

I'm not going to lie, I honestly could give two shits less about college basketball. All the good athletes went to the NBA, and now that there are good ones in college, it's basically one giant one-on-one matchup. "It'll be good to have these kids attend college and play in the NCAA for a year." Really? Better for whom? For guys like Andrew Bynum and Robert Swift, definitely. For guys like Michael Beasley and OJ Mayo and Eric Gordon who have ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS playing college basketball...not so much.

Great, I get to watch Eric Gordon score 40 points per game because he's just better than everyone else.

I'm diverting. Listen, the tournament is fucking fantastic. I love it. I love the brackets and I love the drama. But, it's completely manufactured. What is the point of the regular season if pretty much every major school is going to get in? Why do we waste hours debating whether or not Southern Illinois should have been invited. It's pointless. I don't care about Valdosta State getting in only to be waxed by North Carolina in the first round. "But there could be an upset!!" Awesome. Actively watching for the sole reason that some team might lose, a team you could give two shits less about.

If gambling wasn't involved, the tournament wouldn't be a spectacle. But my point isn't to ridicule college hoops, it's to highlight why the BCS is better than a playoff.

Why waste everyone's time? Just cut to the chase. Sure, in some instances, playoffs are great, but only when the playing field is relatively level and the teams that are in deserve to be there. That's why the NBA playoffs blow during the first round. That's why hockey's playoffs are the best around (even though nobody watches) because a low-seeded team can gel and make a huge run against teams with a lot better talent. It'd be like if the Warriors had kept winning last year during the NBA playoffs.

The BCS gets rid of all that bullshit. Yea, in some cases a 3rd team has a legit beef about being excluded from the National Championship game, but usually, it boils down to that team not taking care of business. The most obvious example is 2004's Auburn team which went undefeated and was left out. They got it wrong, but the idea was right. CUT THE BULLSHIT, GET TO THE MEAT.

This year is a great example. The popular thing to say is that this year is the reason we need a playoff. I disagree, this year exemplifies why the BCS is better than a playoff. All these teams are bitching about being left out or how they're more deserving than either LSU or OSU. Hey, if you're so worthy, don't lose to Stanford or South Carolina, did that thought ever occur to you? It's not a fucking popularity contest. You want to get in, beat the teams on your schedule.

Then, of course, you get the assholes who like to say that strength of schedule is skewed between certain conferences. Well, who's fault is that? Just because all these NFL-starved Southern states only have one hole to fuck they should be given preferential treatment? Give me a fucking break. These SEC schools have their heads so far up their asses, if you hear them talk, it sounds like their brand of football is completely better than anywhere else's, where their speed and power is unmatched and every other school trembles in the wake of their footsteps.

Last time I checked, great teams don't lose to Kentucky...and no, that is not a signal of how deep your conference is, it's a sign of how shitty you actually are. Great teams don't lose to Vanderbilt. Great teams don't lose to an Arkansas team that didn't know the forward pass existed. It's a copout.

The BCS disregards such bullshit, such homeristic crap that people can't see beyond. It gets rid of all the crap like, "oh, but our team beat so and so which beat your team so our team must be better." It lays down the law and says, "you didn't take care of your shit, so you don't deserve to go."

Would a college football playoff be awesome? FUCK YES. Who wouldn't want to see a 3 or 4 week stretch where the best teams in the country play each other? Wait, they pretty much do anyways? It's called bowl games. Would you sacrifice 64 different teams matching up against each other, stretched out over a month for 16 teams (which would be there pretty much every year) play a few games over the same month?

By the end of the college basketball tournament, nobody could give a shit about the final game, other than the two schools involved. It's because people are just plain sick of it, plus their teams are probably already gone and their brackets fucked. Without looking it up, can you name the last 7 NCAA basketball champions? Conversely, the last 7 champions in NCAA football roll of the tongue like hotcakes.

There are certain teams that just don't deserve it this year in football. Sorry VT, a team doesn't lose 48-7 and get a chance to play for the National Championship. Sorry Georgia, you didn't win your conference, which means at least one team is better than you. Sorry Oklahoma, but beating Missouri twice and Texas isn't really impressive. Sorry Hawaii, but when Boise State is laughing at your schedule, youre SOL.

Most years there are 2 demonstrably dominant teams, or at least teams that manage to take care of their business enough that it leaves room for no debate. Sure there are years like 2004 where the system fucks up, but those years are easily overwhelmed by the number of years when we get a USC vs. Texas or an OSU vs. Miami. Hell, even a Tennessee vs. Florida State. Why risk the possibility of one of these top teams getting beaten or injured when you can pit the two top teams at full strength against each other while having a fucking full month of football appetizers?

Plus, there is always going to be the debate over who's left out. ALWAYS. A playoff wouldn't solve that, if anything, it would ruin the debate's intensity, ruin the argument. When the stakes are already this high, then the debate heats up, there is a definite vigor and hate towards other places and an inflated sense of school pride. There isn't a gray area, the BCS gives us 2 black schools and 115 white schools. It's as clear as it can be.

This year isn't muddled. If anything, this year forces us to acknowledge the system got it right. The two most deserving schools are going to face off for the National Championship game. Would a playoff be more exciting? Who knows? But why should Georgia and VT get a third chance when they blew their second chances? Why should Oklahoma be allowed a third chance when they got absolutely smoked when they got their second chance?

This isn't basketball where a team can get hot and ride it out. Football is about physical dominance and strategy. Would Boise State have had such an awesome game plan given only a week to prepare? Would injuries derail superior teams? Why even risk it?

The BCS has it's problems, and to be honest, yea a playoff would be sweet but at what expense? A playoff would ruin the bowl system. We'd lose out on great games between teams we normally don't get to see. Is that worth seeing the same 16 powerhouses battle it out every year? Is it worth making the regular season essentially pointless? The thing that's great about college football as opposed to the NFL is the fact that there is something on the line every game. If the season didn't fuck itself like it did, OSU wouldn't be in the NC game only because they lost to Illinois. LSU wouldn't be in because they lost to Kentucky and Arkansas. You can't sleep through a season like you can in the NFL (2005-06 Steelers).

The BCS has a few flaws, but it's better than a tournament. It's better than the manufactured drama that exists in the NCAA basketball tourney. Last year, all the top seeds one, there was little drama, everything happened like they said it would. The final rounds were awesome, but the first rounds were BORRRRIIIINNNGGGG. In football, there wouldn't be the upsets. The better teams would realize where they're at and rise to the occasion. The thing that makes the NCAA football regular season so great is when the good teams DO sleepwalk and get beat by a Stanford (I won't say App. State because the better team won in that instance) or a Pitt.

It's a cliche, but the regular season is the playoffs. Some teams have easier roads than others, but that's what makes it great. The BCS just gets rid of the bullshit and creates a 30+ game appetizer of pure football goodness. The BCS gets rid of all the obnoxious underdogs and replaces them with teams that can actually play the game at a high level, where gimmicks don't work. To say the NCAA tournament is the greatest tournament in sports is a joke. It's the biggest, but it's far from the best. Upsets are fun, but do you really want to see a shitty team advance in lieu of a much better team? So instead of the first round being boring, the boredom carries over to the second round.

This has gone on too long, I'm debating myself. I'm done with this shit.

Here's the Fucking Difference, Asshat...

2007-12-18T11:32:00.000-05:00

Read this...

OMG OMG OMG!!! THE NFL GETS A FREE PASS WHEN IT COMES TO PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!!! WHY DOESN'T BASEBALL GET THE SAME THING???

Wanna know why? Because baseball is a pussy sport. Baseball is for white guys who have nothing better to do in the summer than get outside and hit a ball of yarn around, run some bases, make a catch, maybe throw a little bit...there's no physicality. Don't give me that bullshit like, "oh, but what about sliding into 2nd base? That's physical. And what about diving around in the outfield? Hmm?" Come on. There's a difference between having a 185 lb. guy jumping over your head and having 11 freaks of physical nature playing an obscenely fast game of Smear the Queer.

Baseball isn't a game of speed. Sure, there are a few good athletes who steal bases and whatnot, but the number of those guys are severely outnumbered by the fat, out of shape guys who have a few good baseball skills, but would be generously called athletes.

Here's my analogy. Say you're comparing baseball and football to cars. Baseball would be an old Caddilac, admired for it's classic charm, but in terms of performance, is way behind. Football would be a souped up Dodge Ram pickup. It needs to carry a lot of shit and put out a lot of power.

In order to get your classic Caddy to get to it's prime condition, you don't need to soup up the engine and increase it's horsepower. In order to get your Ram in top condition, you do need that shit.

PED's are an unnecessary feature in baseball, you DON'T NEED THEM. They're essentially pointless because the benefits you acquire are not really going to help you win a game. If you're stronger than someone else, the other person can still win. If you can throw an extra 10 mph, that means jack shit if it goes in a straight line. PED's in baseball are a joke, they're worthless and the only thing they do is skew baseball's precious "numbers."

PED's in football are a necessity. The game is predicated on who is stronger. It is a game of physicality, of CONCRETE physicality rather than some artificially manufactured physicality that baseball seems to need to adopt. If someone is stronger than you, you lose, period. If each NFL player is a high-powered auto, then they need high octane fuel, which is why nobody cares if an NFL player gets caught doing steroids.

People aren't dumb, they notice the difference. No matter how many articles you write extolling the virtues of baseball as a physical game, it isn't. It's behind football, boxing, hockey, basketball, lacrosse, hell, even track. PED's in football are seen as part of the gig, kinda like pot and musicians. People understand that PED's in baseball are there only so a few guys can inflate their stats a little more.

PED's in baseball are the same thing as high-powered stock brokers taking advantage of certain loopholes in IRS policies and regulations. Most people can't take advantage of them, and even when they do, they don't really give them that much of an edge in hiding their income from taxation or increasing investment returns. But when high net worth clients do the same thing, they benefit greatly from it. Think about it. Fernando Vina and Roger Clemens both had some serious dirt. Vina didn't benefit off of PED's because he wasn't good to begin with. Clemens benefited greatly because he is one of the few great ones who could actually push themself to a higher level.

Now imagine if everyone was a high net worth client. This is the NFL. There aren't shitty athletes in the NFL. These guys are the cream of the genetic crop, the guys who have the abilities to achieve a higher level of greatness with PED's. The entire league benefits off the use of PED's, and people know this.

The difference between baseball and football is that baseball players are actual people. We can connect with a fat fuck like David Wells or Sidney Ponson. The majority of people look at a guy like David Eckstein and think, "shit, if I could hit a ball and throw, I'd probably be just as good as he is." Nobody can connect with a football player (or basketball player for that matter). The only people who can really connect with an NFL player are other NFL players. There just aren't that many 6'5'' 250 lb. guys with less than 10% bodyfat who can outrun a speed limit walking around out there. Who would fit in at a mall better: Scott Rolen or Adalius Thomas? There you go.

So when people give NFL players a pass when it comes to PED's, it's not because they don't care, it's because they think it's necessary. It's a means of survival when probably everyone is juicing and there's a legit chance you could get hurt if you're not as strong as possible. In baseball, the whole reason to take PED's is for your own legacy, to make more money, to strike a few more guys out, to hit a few more home runs. It's not necessary. Would people be as upset if guys like Barry Bonds and Clemens were just regular schmoe's? Probably not. But these guys were Hall of Famers before they started allegedly taking PED's, which is the shitty thing. They didn't need to, they were already better. Brian Roberts and Fernando Vina, even with their PED use, aren't even on the same planet as pre-roids Bonds and Clemens. THAT'S why people get pissed at baseball players.

Well, Those Were Cooler Than I Thought They'd Be

2007-12-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

Just as I get done screaming about how monochromatic uniforms look like shit, the Vikings roll out their purple pajamas...but, strangely, I liked them a shit-ton.

I hate the regular Vikings uniforms, especially the purple pants and white tops, I think they look like absolute shit. And I also hate purple. But those unis last night were a thing of beauty, they lined up, looked good on fat or thin, white or black. They're not the Browns, Colts or Cowboys throwbacks or even the Jaguars home unis, but they were a marked improvement over the crap they usually trot out.

Now, if only the Vikes would go from the alternating colors, to all white or all purple, maybe, just maybe, their awful uniform indiscretions will be forgiven. Now, if only the team didn't suck.

I'm Bored

2007-12-17T15:14:00.000-05:00

I'm fucking bored. I have almost no work to do because all my shit is either in someone else's hands or, well, it's finished. I'm fucking bored. All I want to do is sit around my basement, light up my bong and watch Jim Rome is Burning. He's so creative, that Jim Rome. What, with his "burns" and his "clones" and whatnot.

Eh, I'm not gonna lie, I like Jim Rome...he isn't a pussy. "Call me Chris one more time and I'm gonna beat your ass." Hold on, I need to find that youtube clip...brb.

There it is. That's some funny shiat right there.

Anyways, the Browns won in a blizzard. That was sweet as hell. You know what was even sweeter? NOT FUCKING GOING. Yea, I love going to snowy games and all that shit, but yesterday was too much. When the first thing you think as soon as you see the stadium packed 30 mins before the kickoff and when you saw the pregame shit at 12:15 and you could still see the grass, yet at 12:45 it was covered, is, "fuck, traffic is gonna suck," you feel just a little bit more comfortable. That sentence sucked. Basically, I'm glad I didn't go because traffic would have sucked and I hate taking public transportation because you can't smoke weed on a packed train.

It was awesome seeing Jamal Lewis run over those faggots from Buffalo. I thought Buffalo was supposed to have a tough D-line...where was that? They were manhandled by Joe Thomas and co. Hey guys, anytime you want, I'll smoke you up with some good dank nugs if you swing by the place. Pop me an email. That goes for every Cleveland athlete. The bong is always full.

I'm going to try and get a gym membership today. I've gotten fat over the last few months. I stopped working out and eating right, and wouldn't you know it, I put on some lbs. What the fuck is this bullshit? Why make pizza and wings taste so good if it's gonna make you fat? What the hell? I swear to God, if I have to eat fucking chicken breasts and spinach again for a fucking year just so I can see my dick, I'm going to kill someone.

Fuck that shit. I spent a 5 months of my life basically starving myself just to stop being a fat fuck, and an additional 15 months getting in good shape. Then, I give myself a little fucking break, and it's all gone. Fuck that. I'm just gonna start up a coke habit, that'll take the pounds right off.

I should start a weight-loss system thingee, like nutrisystem. Only, I'll put cocaine in my products. THAT is brilliant. Think about it. Not only will people lose weight, but they'll also be more likely to become return customers!! That's a win-win situation. I'd have a built in marketplace for my ultra-successful product. It should be illegal it's such a good idea.

My boss is a real stand up guy. The place I work is pretty similar to Office Space. I have like 5 different bosses. I have this little half-office that's neither cubicle nor office. I have a bitchin computer tho, where instead of doing the work I'm supposed to do, I spend my days reading shit about the NFL. The NFL is like the heroin of professional sports. That'd make college football cocaine. What's baseball? I'd say weed, but that's not true. Playoff baseball is probably mushrooms, because that shit is trippy. Well, the NBA is kinda like coke too. Golf is like good weed. It's enjoyably mellow and it makes you fall asleep.

Anyways, my boss just fucking made my day. This is the big boss. The guy makin the real dollaz. The chief. So we get this email saying shit like, "come to my office between 2-3...PEACE." Well, that's what I woulda said. So I go down there, and we get this package from the Fresh Market. Open it up...BAM. Fuckin' filet mignon, garlic pugilese bread, creamed spinach (nasty) and a lobster tail. He must have had like 30 boxes stacked in the corner of his office and I got there late. That's some serious cash getting thrown down. Talk about some afternoon delight. No, not pussy, food.

If you've ever been on a serious diet, food is better than sex. I kid you not. I've dieted a bunch in my lifetime because I don't have a brain mechanism telling me that I'm full. I've done the "starve yourself for 9 straight days, and go the final 3 without water to make weight" diet when I was younger. The "I'm a fat fuck and need to get healthy diet" when I was a fat fuck and needed to get healthy. The "I'm self-conscious and want to get in shape diet" which turned food into math. They all work to varying degrees.

I used to get nuts about what I ate. I'd time out my carbs and all that shit, eat like 3 lbs. of beef per day. Anyways, after 3 straight months of eating nothing but chicken breasts, whole wheat shit and spinach/broccoli, a piece of pizza is the best thing ever. If I gave a shit about what I ate right now, I'd prefer eating a meatball sub to banging Jessica Simpson. I mean, it'd be close, but...well, just trust me on this one.

Food rocks. Food can make me happy. Food can make me sad. I love food. I love cooking. I love the smell of garlic and onions sauteéing in olive oil. I love charring a marbled piece of beef. I love the smell of Ahi tuna (fresh not frozen) seared with ginger. I could go on like this for hours. Everyone has their appetites. Some people have a sexual appetite that can't be satiated, some have one for drugs and other spirits, some people can't get enough money, golf, power, cars, houses, guitars, etc. The most basic is food. I love food.

Ok, enough of this shit. Thus ends my stream of consciousness.

Quick Monday Morning Thoughts

2007-12-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

-That was fun as hell to watch.

-Jamal Lewis is the shit.

-Um...does the shutout still count?

-Wearing sleeves in freezing weather in the middle of a blizzard does not make you less of a man. Then again, it makes you look tough.

-Phil Dawson hit a beautiful 49 yard punch fade into the wind at 16 to get himself close for an birdie.

-I wish I had more to say about the game, but really, it was just Jamal beating the fuck out of the Bills for a few hours.

-Now to the important thing. Fucking Rich Rodriguez. I immediately go from a fan of his to someone who thinks he's a douchebag and destined to fail. Michigan doesn't have the resources to run his offense for at least a couple of years, and even then, who knows how much success he'll have?

The thing that scares me about the whole Rich Rod going to Michigan escapade is the impact it'll have on Terelle Pryor, the gifted QB/WR/whatever prospect who reminds scouts of Vince Young. His choices were narrowed down to OSU and WVU, and he does seem tailor made to the spread option we all know Rodriguez is a fan of. Something to keep tabs on.

Ugh. Competency in Ann Arbor.

Hey Michigan People...FUCK YOU

2007-12-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

The thing I always hated about Michigan was their incessant talk about how brilliant they are as opposed to the percieved ignorance of Ohio State players/fans. Yea, because guys like Charles Woodson and Shawn Crable are brilliant...

Anyways, this profile of Anthony Gonzales, Colts WR and OSU attendee, is just one great example of a guy who isn't a fucking retard, yet decided that OSU would be a better fit than some bullshit, head-up-our-own-asses, university up there.

Oh, Krenzel is another great example.

Sure, OSU blogs aren't flowing narratives of gridiron prognostication, but really, who wants to fucking read some bullshit like that regarding football? And when EVERY Michigan blog is a direct ripoff of mgoblog.blogspot.com then it gets a little old (mgoblog is pretty good tho, despite the fact it's written by a pompous UM grad).

Whatever, fuck Michigan. I just realized that my entire post made me sound like an idiot (well, more of one than I usuall am) and kinda proved their point. Oh well...I'll just sleep on my pillow of 4 straight wins.

The Worst Uniforms in the HISTORY of Sport

2007-12-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

"ha. they look li ke used tampons."

This email from co-conspirator AC really nails it. What more is there to say? These are the worst uniforms I have ever seen.

The monochromatic trend is apalling, in my eyes at least. There is no need for it, and it makes teams look like shit. Sure, sometimes it looks good on athletic players, but those fat linemen look like the Kool-Aid guy...which now that I think about it, isn't that bad. Anyways, this trend needs to stop. Teams look like shit when they're wearing what appears to be a giant leotard.

Now, there are a few exceptions to the rule, obviously all white being the main one. Some of the all black teams can get away with it, I particularly like the Ravens' version. But when you're going with the "futuristic" monochromaticism and using traditional ornaments, like the Saints and Texans, you just get shit.

I'm glad that the Texans had the foresight to realize that nobody will see this game, so might as well dress the team like vaginal excretions.

Oh, and from the highlights...Mario Williams, we all owe you one massive apology. Continue the good work.

TO vs. Tuna

2007-12-13T13:11:00.001-05:00

I'm extremely biased here. I love TO. I hate Keyshawn Johnson. I have no idea what prompted Keyshawn to call out TO like that, he knew what TO's response was going to be, but furthermore, he was flat out wrong.

So let me get this straight, Key, because Parcells brought in these players, he should get all the credit? That's what it sounds like. Know what else it sounds like? BULLSHIT.

If anything, Parcells' legacy is extremely tainted by the Cowboys' success. He had almost the identical team last year. Sure, Romo has come into his own, but people had been calling for him to start since the preseason of that year. Look at the results from last year when you put Romo in. You mean to tell me Parcells deserves credit for the Cowboys this year?

I loved Parcells as a coach. Well, scratch that. I loved his press conferences and TV clips. Was he a good coach? Eh...I'd say yea, based off of the Giants' success. But ever since then, he's been a much better GM, building a team rather than leading it. He gets great players in and cultivates a purely football mentality. His schemes are solid and he breeds a sense of accountability with his team that eventually leads to success. But his playcalling and his ego management are just fucking horrific.

Wade doesn't deserve that much credit though either. If it wasn't for Parcells' discipline, then the free-wheeling attitude that Wade brought in would be counterproductive, which it will end up being in the next couple years unless there's a change. But, at the same time, Parcells wouldn't have succeeded like this, his players were on the verge of mutiny before he left.

That's the thing. Key, you couldn't be more wrong. This team is linked to Parcells only in the fact that he brought the players in, and that's it. This current incarnation of the Cowboys has more to do with the current atmosphere that Wade has brought in, rather than the boot camp that Parcells ran.

Plus, why would you say that shit to TO? Does he have a good track record of taking criticism? Where do you get off talking to him like that anyways? Like TO said, you both came out in the same year...yet who's playing like the real no. 1 overall pick and who's...um, not playing. Key, you were always a glorified posession reciever. If the first-down stat had any sort of significance, you'd be a Hall of Famer. If bitching at your coach for no reason was a stat, you'd be a Hall of Famer. If catching the most balls while scoring the least TD's was a significant stat, you'd be the greatest of all time. Face it, you're not in TO's class. You're not TO's peer. The only few players who can talk to TO right now on an equal level are Randy Moss, Steve Smith, Braylon Edwards, Anquan Boldin and Andre Johnson.

You aren't in those guys' level and you never were. Don't talk to TO like he's an arrogant rookie and that he is bashing Parcells for no reason. TO bashes the Tuna because he realized that Parcells couldn't call a game anymore, he couldn't adapt to the new football climate. For you to stick to your guns as a "Parcells' Guy" is almost as retarded as Les Miles saying he's a "Michigan Man." Key, the farthest you got with the Tuna was to an AFC Championship game that you lost. You won a Super Bowl with Jon Gruden, yet you wouldn't give him the time of day because you still think that was Tony Dungy's team (despite the fact that Dungy repeatedly failed with one of the most stacked rosters of the time).

You weren't involved in this debate Keyshawn, stay out of it and don't start shit that didn't need to be started.

The Bills are a Good Team?

2007-12-13T10:54:00.001-05:00

Really? That's what people seem to be saying. "Oh, they're really coming together, playing solid ball this year." Really? The Bills? Wow, that's kind of a new one.

Hell, even I'm guilty. I said they had a solid defense. That's just not true. Sure, they're stats are affected by playing the Patriots, but at the same time, they're inflated by playing the Jets twice, Dolphins twice, Redskins and the Ravens. The Cowboys game was their best performance by far, but they decided to hand that one off, they didn't need to win it. Oh, and that's when they were healthy.

Their offense would make the 1999 Browns' offense look like the 1999 Rams. Marshawn Lynch is a very solid player. Trent Edwards might be the 2nd worst starting QB in the league, only because some team in Gay Mecca is starting Trent Dilfer.

"But we have awesome special teams!!" Awesome, so do we.

I'll give credit where it's due. Donte Whittner is the real deal. Schoebel and Kelsay are the real deal(s). Marshawn Lynch is awesome. Jason Peters is awesome. Kevin Everett can walk again.

Here's what's working against you...first off, Dick Jauron is your coach. Second, you have Trent Edwards, crown prince of the dump off, running your offense rather than J.P. Losman who has a Favre-esque gun. Edwards is great...if you like having the other team's safeties 15 yards off the line of scrimmage and making plays all day. That's what happens when your QB can't stretch the field, it's called Charlie Frye Syndrome.

The Bills defense gets respect...which is funny considering they're the 16th ranked rushing defense and the 29th ranked passing defense. Would I take that for the Browns? If you asked me a month ago, I would have said definately. Now...no way in hell.

I always liked the Bills back in the day. Loved K-Gun. Loved Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith. Thought Andre Reed was the best WR in football other than Jerry Rice. I absolutely LOVE, unconditionally, their throwback uniforms, easily the best in football (outside of the Browns). I can empathize with the fans, they're just as loyal as Browns' fans and create a great home-field advantage.

But personal sentiments don't override logic. The reality is the Bills are not a good football team right now. While detractors can point to the Ravens and Bengals being weak, those teams at least have talent. While the Browns have played the Jets and Dolphins, they at least scored more than 17 points. The Browns weren't embarassed by the Pats, while Buffalo was 2x.

Cleveland and Buffalo are similar cities, and it's good to see both of us have WINNING football teams again. I say winning, rather than good, because only the Browns are a good team. The Bills are a fraud, akin to the Jets from last year. Why the media feels the need to hold their defense in a good light is beyond me, because it isn't good.

That said, I'm nervous as fuck about Sunday.

The Mitchell Report Comes out Today

2007-12-13T09:02:00.000-05:00

A quick hypothetical...say you're working for a generic corporate institution. Every morning, you take a supplement provided under a professional's supervision which improves your performance. This supplement has been around for years, and while it has contradictory medical opinions regarding it's safety and effectiveness, it has increased your production and you have moved up the corporate ranks and, after a few years of paying your dues, enjoy a lovely management position which compensates you extremely well.

Upper management hasn't formally encouraged the use of this supplement, but at the same time, they enjoy the benefits of the impoved quality of your work. You recieve increased benefits and lavish gifts from the national headquarters because of the job you've done, which has been helped by this supplement. However, a rising star in the office, a real hot-shot kid, who uses the same supplement, begins to shoot up the corporate ladder.

This new hot shot is undeniably great, yet is petulant and high-strung, and exhibits some of the medically proven side effects of said supplement. Because of the newfound popularity of this supplement, the government begins to inquire on the legality of the widespread perscription and puts pressure on your company's higher-ups to clean up the office and get rid of the seeming dependence on this product.

The supplement has obviously assisted your career, the increased focus and lack of distractions it provides allows you to double your production. Yet, the higher-ups, while previously privately encouraging such use, now are on a witch hunt. They invite a consultant to investigate the national use inside the corporation. This consultant has some ties to the company, but at the same time, he really has no authority to get solid information. His investigation is comprised solely of questionable witnesses with a disgraced past amongst the corporation, yet at the same time, his investigation will no doubt be looked upon with great interest by top management. This consultant, while conducting his investigation, has proved to be incompetent, a bumbling idiot who keeps tripping over his own investigative feet. He is stonewalled by the most suspicious characters because he has no authority to force testimony. For all intents and purposes, it appears that he is doing nothing at all for long stretches of time.

Here's the question. This report...is essentially rumor. There is no legal support to solidify these testimonies, of witnesses who were either dismissed for poor work or for questionable out-of-work activities. The supplement that is being targeted is being used under a professional's supervision and obviously has benefited the users. The same people who privately encouraged its use, and who benefited most significantly, are now the one's trying to expose users and clean their hands. Both the report AND the motives are highly questionable, yet your union leader's hands are tied and action must be taken.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!?!?!?!?

Listen, this is essentially the same situation baseball is in with HGH use. Yea, steroids are bad, but you know what? Unless you have a positive drug test, you can't prove shit. If this "report" was used to indict a suspect of a crime, it would be thrown out before even going to trial. It's pure speculation, and that's being generous.

The Mitchell is the biggest pile of shit baseball has ever tried to produce. You know what baseball? WHY NOT INCREASE DRUG TESTING? Sure, you won't get HGH users, but at the same time, medical technology is advancing, and it's only a matter of time until a reliable test materializes. Instead, you hire a RETARD to conduct this retarded investigation, and now you're going to expose a bunch of major leaguers and essentially ruin their public images. The public will only see the names, they won't know that the whole investigation is bogus, because you won't tell them the details.

You're only "witnesses" are a disgraced relief pitcher and a fired, criminal clubhouse attendant. Hey, this crackhead down the street told me that my coworker smoked some PCP the other day. It must be true. This guy who was convicted of fraud just exposed my manager for money laundering. Real great source you have there. Sure, these guys might know something, but can their testimony really be trusted?

This whole thing is bogus. George Mitchell is an idiot and FAR more of a disgrace to the game than Pete Rose and Ty Cobb ever were. Somehow, these guys, Selig, Mitchell, and the rest of the crew, have actually made me sympathetic towards some of these guys. I never thought I'd feel sympathy for guys like Giambi and Miguel Tejada, but it's pretty obvious they're going to get smeared. Yet, why didn't Selig, THE COMMISSIONER OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, institute stiffer drug testing when it was obvious to any impartial observer that these guys weren't just drinking coffee in the clubhouse.

This Mitchell Report is a joke, a coverup for Selig once again proving that he might just be the worst commissioner in the history of organized sports.

If I was a baseball player, I'd go on strike immediately...this thing is bullshit.

I Would Console Falcons Fans...But I Won't

2007-12-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

How shitty would it be to be an Atlanta Falcons fan right now? The answer: REAL SHITTY. Just about as shitty as it gets. As shitty as being neck deep in a pile of dung.

You watched as the face of your franchise dragged his ass along the carpet, leaving one nasty skid mark. Then, less than a year after you hire the guy, the coach responsible for turning the franchise around and utilizing this $100 million weapon, tucks his tail between his legs and leaves you...TO GO TO ARKANSAS. Now you have no QB, a roster unsuited for any style of play other than the one Mike Vick ran, no coach, the one talented guy remaining on your roster wants out and you have incompetence running rampant throughout the front office.

Seriously...ARKANSAS. How bad must your organization be if your head coach, already one of the highest paid members of the coaching fraterity, leaves one of the 32 most coveted jobs in all sports in the jewel of the South, an awesome developing city...for ARKANSAS...FOR LESS MONEY.

Arkansas sucks. It's kinda like the shitty parts of Texas, except shittier. It has all the negative aspects of Texas' personality and is a failed genetic experiment between retarded Cajuns and hillbilly Ozark people. Again, Petrino, for less money, freely decided to get out of his contract early, the one that paid him a considerable fortune and employed him in a gorgeous city, to go to America's Taint. Arkansas is basically the state equivelant of when you don't shower for 3 days and you go on this huge camping trip and the day you get home, you're too tired to shower and just want to go to sleep. The smell and texture of the sweat confined in your drawers and the feeling of your tangled taint hair is what Arkansas is as a province. Arkansas sucks that bad, no culture outside of Wal-Mart, not the best weather, no big cities other than Little Rock (tho, there are a lot of little crack rocks) and a school that has been known as the most drama filled university with an overinflated view of itself.

God, it must suck to be a Falcons fan.

The Coolest Thing I've Ever Seen, pt. 1

2007-12-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

I'm a man who's easy to please. Basically, I can be entertained in the same fashion as a baby. Flashy things. Cool noises. Animals. All that shit garners my attention for much longer periods of time than they should (while things like work and school get my attention for all of 20 seconds).

Anyways, I'm at work, and I go to take a piss and I smell this heavenly scent. I know piss doesn't smell like a lilac meadow, so I see what the source of this beautiful aroma is...

...it's this thing. This thing, from Sanor System, a subsidiary of Rochester-Midland, is FUCKING AWESOME. It's like an IV drip for a urinal. Every, 2 seconds (yes, I timed) a little drip of this awesome smell comes out and refreshes the urinal so it doesn't smell like a beer left out for 3 days.

I want one.

UPDATE: I proceed to go to espn.com right after this and see this. When I was 5, I wanted to be a fireman. I also could recite, by memory, every statistic on every baseball card I owned. Needless to say, I didn't kill a bear. That kid, right now, could get all sorts of ass. "Yea, I'm Davy Crockett's great great grandson (or some shit like that). I just killed a bear, it's in my trunk. So, about dem titties."

The Real Season of Destiny...

2007-12-11T13:01:00.001-05:00

So the Browns have an interesting situation on their hands. They can clinch a playoff spot this weekend, which is a miraculous feat I don't care who you ask. After week one people were wondering if they'd be 0-13 now and not the Fins. Either way, it looks like this one could happen one way or another.

First: The Browns need to beat the Toronto Bills this Sunday at Cleveland Browns Stadium. Oh yea, the Browns only loss at home this year was that lowly week 1 performance vs. the Stillers. So... I like their chances with this one.

Second: The Titans need to lose to the Chiefs in KC on Sunday. Probably less likely. The Chiefs suck something fierce, but YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. Remember that.

Third: The Broncos need to either lose to or tie with the Texans in Houston. Who really cares? Why even play this game. These two teams just annoy me as of late. I hope they both lose. What does that do to the playoff picture?

I think this is a very realistic possibility. I mean the only obstacle in the way of the Browns will be that Titans losing to the Chiefs. Either way GO BROWNS!

Fuck Scoop Jackson

2007-12-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

Reason I'm salty...

Look, I have no problem with writers expressing their opinions. I have no problem with idiots being given a public soapbox to preach from. I have no problem with Scoop Jackson making money off of writing.

But then I read the second sentence and thought to myself, "who the fuck does this guy think he is?"

Calling for athletes to retire is a noble tradition. From Jerry Rice to Michael Jordan to Willie Mays to Arnold Palmer, generationally significant athletes have stuck around in their respective sports too long, leaving themselves open for public debate. Conversely, athletes like Jim Brown, Barry Sanders and Sandy Koufax are celebrated, not for reaching the pinnacle of their craft, but for choosing to leave before a significant decline in their ability surfaced.

In the case of athletes who stuck around too long, most of the public reaction stems from the desire of fans to preserve these athletes' greatness without having to witness the erosion of skill, inevitably spurred on by aging. Nobody wanted to see Scottie Pippen hobbling around in a Bulls uniform at the end of his career, hoisting awful jump shots and getting burnt defensively. Nobody wanted to see OJ Simpson in a 49ers uniform, getting pummled. Hell, even Jack Nicklaus was considered done before he magically won the 1986 Masters. There are very few things more sad than seeing a once-gifted athlete struggle to keep up with a younger generation, but it's a fact of life.

In certain cases, the outcry was because of potential physical harm. This scenario is most evident in boxing. There is no reason Evander Holyfield should be boxing still, well, except for his 8 or 9 children that he has to support, but chances are good, he's financially sound. The problem is, THERE IS CLINICAL EVIDENCE SUPPORTING THE FACT HE COULD BECOME BRAIN DEAD IF HE RECIEVES A FORCEFUL BLOW TO THE HEAD. Yet, he keeps plugging along.

Sometimes, the athlete stays just to eclipse a record, the classic Emmitt Smith case. Emmitt was NOT great running back, talented, yet not a world-beater like everyone says he is. Would you take Emmitt over Sweetness, Barry, Jim Brown, Gale Sayers, Eric Dickerson, Marshall Faulk, the Juice, LT, etc.? Basically, Emmitt was a smaller version of Corey Dillon, blessed with the greatest offensive line in NFL history. When the line got old and less talented, Emmitt came back to Earth, and his mediocre talent was exposed. Yet, because of that line, he was given a shot at the most hallowed record in the NFL, and stuck around for the sole reason to put his name on the top of that list, deserved or not. He should never have been a Cardinal. He should never have been a Cowboy for his last 2 years there.

Sometimes a competitive fire burns so deeply, that an athlete just can't give up their life. The greats reside here. MJ, Jerry Rice, Gretzky, Mays. These guys just COULDN'T give up. They couldn't fathom a situation where they weren't the best, the greatest. They weren't content to just give up, despite their advanced ages, and go calmly into retirement and onto golf courses and the real estate market.

Back to the point. Scoop Jackson is an idiot. Floyd Mayweather is 29 years old, undefeated, at the peak of his skills and without a competitor in sight. He is treading into rarified air, the hall of the greats. He has complete control over his career and his legacy. Scoop, who the fuck are you to call for Floyd to remain "retired?" Your sole reason is to preserve his perfect record, because you never get to see that. Oh, good point Scoop, he should retire for you.

Nevermind the fact that he could continue to dominate. Nevermind the fact that his removal from the public arena would ruin our chance at seeing a great athlete in his prime, in a sport that desparately needs a people's champion. Nevermind the fact that his last 3 fights have been some of the most entertaining pugilistic exhibitions I've ever seen (illegally of course). No, he should just call it quits because Scoop Jackson wants to see someone end their career with perfection.

Last time I checked, Ali lost. MJ lost. Gretzky lost. Tiger...well, that's a bad example, but he's finished 2nd before. Scoop doesn't understand the American psyche, the desire of the people to connect with a champion. Would MJ be as revered if he hadn't overcome the Pistons, his nemesis for 3 consecutive seasons? Would MJ even have that killer instinct if he had conquered them easily? Would Gretzky be so endearing if he hadn't encountered obstacles after he left the Oilers, where he was struggling to stay healthy yet maintained his attitude? Defeat reveals the true character of a great athlete, not perfection.

Tiger Woods exemplifies this. It's a well heralded stat that he has never lost when leading in a final round. 50-0 or some crazy shit like that. Does that make the final round EPIC AND LEGENDARY? To be honest, it does the opposite. When Tiger is going into a final round with the lead, the whole afternoon becomes a giant Tiger slob fest. He never loses, he isn't going to lose, and until he does, the whole thing is an exercise in futility. What would be a more captivating moment...Tiger having the lead in the final round of the PGA Championship and winning, or Tiger having the lead in the final round of the PGA Championship and getting overtaken by Camillo Villegas shooting a 66 and winning in a playoff? Drama makes for more exciting entertainment because someone has to experience defeat.

Almost all the athletes I mentioned earlier are considered to be in the upper echelon of greatness. In each case, there is a notable obstacle, a flaw that they overcame, that adds to their legacies. Simply rolling through everything is great and all, but it's boring. Who's to say that Floyd won't be beaten? Who's to say that if/when Floyd is beaten, it wouldn't be a HUGE deal? Just because he's perfect doesn't mean he should retire to stay that way, if anything, that's the cowardly way to approach it, especially for your singular case, Scoop.

Yea, I'm rambling and high-browed, but I don't care. I also don't care that I deviated from my original topic. Fuck Scoop Jackson.

Mock Draft!!!!!!!!

2007-12-11T10:59:00.000-05:00

Quick rant here...What the fuck is up with mock drafts being written up at this time of the year? Seriously. WE'RE STILL PLAYING THE REGULAR SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the draft. I eat it on pancakes. I eat it on pizza. The NFL Draft, because it falls around my birthday and the time weather is becoming nice again, always is one of my yearly highlights. One of the best draft experiences of my life was when I ate a bunch of mushrooms and waited around for 3 and a half hours to watch the Browns select Kamerion Wimbley only to get pissed because I thought they should have done something different. Then again, I was on a hallucinogenic drug, and once I sobered up, I realized he was a shaved panther ready to strike and all was good.

The draft kicks so much ass it's not funny. We can speculate the shit out of every little picadillo about every minute detail. For some reason, we think there's a huge difference between 4.39 speed and 4.41 speed. For some reason, we get ridiculously excited about the surefire 5 Hall of Famers that our team just picked up...it's fun for the whole family.

In April, I read mock drafts like fine literature, analyzing each predicated pick based on team need and recent history. The way my brain works, I just absorb all this bullshit (yes, it's all bullshit) and can basically recite every little thing off the top of my head. Every April, I pull out my 8'x10' ornately framed, oil-based portrait of Mel Kiper Jr. and light a candle with every passing day. April 1 is when the bite starts...and for the next 3 weeks, I immerse myself in NFL Hannukah and each mock draft is the daily gift.

But seriously, a line needs to be drawn...TODD McSHAY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. The spectacle of the NFL Draft is dependant on the NFL Season, you know, the one still going on. Everything is predicated on these last 4 weeks to determine drafting slots...so how does making a mock draft right now make any sense whatsoever? Not even considering the fact that Juniors haven't declared their eligibility, we have no idea whom is going to pick where and who is going to be available. There are no combines to elevate or hamper draft status. There are no bowl performances to evaluate. There are no hints by teams of where they are going to go.

This whole business of the NFL draft is becoming absurd. The thing is, it's not even the biggest culprit who's to blame. Mel Kiper doesn't say shit until the combine, and even then, doesn't start his routine until the middle of March...where he should start it. The NFL leaves a giant abyss in the sports world, leaving me to have to give a shit about lame sports like basketball and baseball. It's like when you're out of good pot and the only shit left is your sister's month old stash of haystack. Sure, it'll get you "high" but the difference is similar to the difference between watching the Masters vs. watching the Frys.com Open. The NFL Draft is like going on methadone to quell a narcotic addiction.

But right now, we don't need methadone. We have the straight black tar. We have the good shit. Believe me, I picked it up from Garrett Reid (HI-YO!!! redux). We're in the stretch run, where playoff contenders will be decided, where the good teams seperate themselves from the chaff. We don't need the draft right now, and we'd be all better for it.

Plus, James Lauranitis is NOT going to the Jets. He is NOT 3-4 LB. He is NOT going in the top 5. You guys are idiots. It's THAT kind of shit that we need to stop.

P.S.: I have no idea why I compared the NFL Draft to drugs, for some reason a parallel existed in my head and it made the most sense.