Mock Draft!!!!!!!!

Quick rant here...What the fuck is up with mock drafts being written up at this time of the year? Seriously. WE'RE STILL PLAYING THE REGULAR SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I love the draft. I eat it on pancakes. I eat it on pizza. The NFL Draft, because it falls around my birthday and the time weather is becoming nice again, always is one of my yearly highlights. One of the best draft experiences of my life was when I ate a bunch of mushrooms and waited around for 3 and a half hours to watch the Browns select Kamerion Wimbley only to get pissed because I thought they should have done something different. Then again, I was on a hallucinogenic drug, and once I sobered up, I realized he was a shaved panther ready to strike and all was good.

The draft kicks so much ass it's not funny. We can speculate the shit out of every little picadillo about every minute detail. For some reason, we think there's a huge difference between 4.39 speed and 4.41 speed. For some reason, we get ridiculously excited about the surefire 5 Hall of Famers that our team just picked up...it's fun for the whole family.

In April, I read mock drafts like fine literature, analyzing each predicated pick based on team need and recent history. The way my brain works, I just absorb all this bullshit (yes, it's all bullshit) and can basically recite every little thing off the top of my head. Every April, I pull out my 8'x10' ornately framed, oil-based portrait of Mel Kiper Jr. and light a candle with every passing day. April 1 is when the bite starts...and for the next 3 weeks, I immerse myself in NFL Hannukah and each mock draft is the daily gift.

But seriously, a line needs to be drawn...TODD McSHAY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. The spectacle of the NFL Draft is dependant on the NFL Season, you know, the one still going on. Everything is predicated on these last 4 weeks to determine drafting slots...so how does making a mock draft right now make any sense whatsoever? Not even considering the fact that Juniors haven't declared their eligibility, we have no idea whom is going to pick where and who is going to be available. There are no combines to elevate or hamper draft status. There are no bowl performances to evaluate. There are no hints by teams of where they are going to go.




This whole business of the NFL draft is becoming absurd. The thing is, it's not even the biggest culprit who's to blame. Mel Kiper doesn't say shit until the combine, and even then, doesn't start his routine until the middle of March...where he should start it. The NFL leaves a giant abyss in the sports world, leaving me to have to give a shit about lame sports like basketball and baseball. It's like when you're out of good pot and the only shit left is your sister's month old stash of haystack. Sure, it'll get you "high" but the difference is similar to the difference between watching the Masters vs. watching the Frys.com Open. The NFL Draft is like going on methadone to quell a narcotic addiction.

But right now, we don't need methadone. We have the straight black tar. We have the good shit. Believe me, I picked it up from Garrett Reid (HI-YO!!! redux). We're in the stretch run, where playoff contenders will be decided, where the good teams seperate themselves from the chaff. We don't need the draft right now, and we'd be all better for it.

Plus, James Lauranitis is NOT going to the Jets. He is NOT 3-4 LB. He is NOT going in the top 5. You guys are idiots. It's THAT kind of shit that we need to stop.



P.S.: I have no idea why I compared the NFL Draft to drugs, for some reason a parallel existed in my head and it made the most sense.

Andy, you gotta do something dude...

Listen, I'm about as pro-drug as it gets. I love me some construda and, on special occasions, some mushrooms. Personally, I draw the line at anything "hard," basically, coke, heroin, acid, that type of shit. I don't want to mess up my life because of some bullshit powder. I know people who have become shells of what they used to be because of shit like that, and who hasn't seen Intervention? My point is that, while shit like pot is harmless, and there are some other things that'll make you feel good without causing you to have a physical addiction, you have to be careful with drugs, period.

Meanwhile, we have the story of Britt and Garrett Reid, Philadelphia Eagle's coach Andy Reid's two sons, both of whom were sentenced this week on numerous charges. Garrett is the elder son, the one who tried to smuggle 89 pills into jail, up his ass. He also confessed to being a coke dealer for 5 years and enjoyed being "the rich kid" who sold drugs to people in the hood. He bragged about selling coke and Oxy to poor kids and their parents, and now could face additional charges for smuggling in contraband.

Again, while this has been spun in a humorous light at its first break, this is about as tragic a story as I can fathom. Addiction is something that really fucks with my head, my own addictions included. Drug use, in my own eyes, is about as selfish an act as there is, something so singularly absorbed that it creates an environment where there is nothing more important than you getting yours. I don't use hard drugs, but who hasn't had that twinge where you flip out because you dont have tobacco or caffeine in your system? Addictions come across all facets of life, not just drug use, and it's a hard situation to deal with regardless of the circumstances.

For some reason, drug addicts are viewed with malice then, eventually sympathy. There is no excuse for Garrett Reid's behavior. There was no reason for him to sell drugs. Some people in an urban setting have almost no choices but to sell drugs, just to get their family food on the table. Garrett Reid is a privaleged member of society, who lived in the posh Villanova section of Philly. He was selling drugs for his own ego, to fuel his own addictions, and to gain a sense of power, to separate himself from his father's shadow. He was enabled by his situation and sought to gain a rush from doing something illicit. Are these his exact thoughts? No, it's what I gathered from hearing him say shit like, "I liked being the rich kid in that area. I could go anyplace in the 'hood. They all knew who I was. I liked being a drug dealer. . . . These kids were scared of me, I was even selling to their parents."

Yet, I have sympathy towards his situation. He missed his drug test, and did not fail the test administered upon his entry into jail. He says he's sorry and he wants to clean up his act. Addiction is a fucked up thing, and sometimes, no matter how much someone wants to stop, they physically can't. I hope he gets his shit straightened out while in the clink, for his own sake.

The only reason I'm even talking about this is because of Andy Reid and the fact he's an NFL head coach. But, I don't see how there is any debate. Most likely the Reid's have enough money where they can live comfortably for the rest of their lives, the job is not necessary. The NFL isn't the do-or-die battlefield that everyone presents it to be. It's entertainment, that's it. Nobody will get killed if you step down, Andy, nobody will lose their jobs, nobody will suffer. Everyone in the NFL is well-paid and, if you stepped away, your coaching staff would no doubt find jobs somewhere else.

Your family is fucked Andy. FUCKED. Your sons are going to jail for 2 years each, and in Garrett's case, maybe more. Both your children are drug-addicts, Garrett admitted to selling for 5 years, who knows how long he was using before. You're a noted workaholic, who got to the NovaCare facility at ungodly early hours to start working. I'm sure you put in your fair share of 100 hour work weeks, and you were constantly travelling. Do you realize what effect that had on your family? Were you even aware of what was going on? Dude, you're sons were fucked to the brim with junk, and whether you knowingly did or not, their situatio in life enabled them to take their behavior to awful heights.

We all had rich-kid friends growing up, you know the type, the kid who's dad was a doctor or a lawyer who didn't get punished for shit, so he always partied harder and harder than everyone else. Then you talk to them a year after you split ways, and he's a fucking drunk dickhead who's 40 lbs. overweight yet still parties like it's going out of style. Again, I'm not saying this is what the Reid kids were acting like, but it sure sounds like it.

Andy, the NFL is not your life. You will be remembered for being a very-good NFL coach and master of the West Coast offense (and never having a running game, and being a shitty clock manager). But if you step away now, you can help out your family far more than providing a gameplan to appease some retarded Philly fans. There are things more important than football, and the wellbeing of your sons is one of them. Not that you're going to read this anyways, but dude, for the benefit of your sons and yourself, get out of football, clean up your family and get shit right, you can find a job later, I'm sure someone will hire you. But right now, you're fucked.

OK, I'm done with my little sermon, I'm getting off the high horse...and yes, I realize there is a box of donuts in Andy's hand in that picture.