Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Mock Draft!!!!!!!!

Quick rant here...What the fuck is up with mock drafts being written up at this time of the year? Seriously. WE'RE STILL PLAYING THE REGULAR SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the draft. I eat it on pancakes. I eat it on pizza. The NFL Draft, because it falls around my birthday and the time weather is becoming nice again, always is one of my yearly highlights. One of the best draft experiences of my life was when I ate a bunch of mushrooms and waited around for 3 and a half hours to watch the Browns select Kamerion Wimbley only to get pissed because I thought they should have done something different. Then again, I was on a hallucinogenic drug, and once I sobered up, I realized he was a shaved panther ready to strike and all was good.

The draft kicks so much ass it's not funny. We can speculate the shit out of every little picadillo about every minute detail. For some reason, we think there's a huge difference between 4.39 speed and 4.41 speed. For some reason, we get ridiculously excited about the surefire 5 Hall of Famers that our team just picked up...it's fun for the whole family.

In April, I read mock drafts like fine literature, analyzing each predicated pick based on team need and recent history. The way my brain works, I just absorb all this bullshit (yes, it's all bullshit) and can basically recite every little thing off the top of my head. Every April, I pull out my 8'x10' ornately framed, oil-based portrait of Mel Kiper Jr. and light a candle with every passing day. April 1 is when the bite starts...and for the next 3 weeks, I immerse myself in NFL Hannukah and each mock draft is the daily gift.

But seriously, a line needs to be drawn...TODD McSHAY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. The spectacle of the NFL Draft is dependant on the NFL Season, you know, the one still going on. Everything is predicated on these last 4 weeks to determine drafting slots...so how does making a mock draft right now make any sense whatsoever? Not even considering the fact that Juniors haven't declared their eligibility, we have no idea whom is going to pick where and who is going to be available. There are no combines to elevate or hamper draft status. There are no bowl performances to evaluate. There are no hints by teams of where they are going to go.

This whole business of the NFL draft is becoming absurd. The thing is, it's not even the biggest culprit who's to blame. Mel Kiper doesn't say shit until the combine, and even then, doesn't start his routine until the middle of March...where he should start it. The NFL leaves a giant abyss in the sports world, leaving me to have to give a shit about lame sports like basketball and baseball. It's like when you're out of good pot and the only shit left is your sister's month old stash of haystack. Sure, it'll get you "high" but the difference is similar to the difference between watching the Masters vs. watching the Frys.com Open. The NFL Draft is like going on methadone to quell a narcotic addiction.

But right now, we don't need methadone. We have the straight black tar. We have the good shit. Believe me, I picked it up from Garrett Reid (HI-YO!!! redux). We're in the stretch run, where playoff contenders will be decided, where the good teams seperate themselves from the chaff. We don't need the draft right now, and we'd be all better for it.

Plus, James Lauranitis is NOT going to the Jets. He is NOT 3-4 LB. He is NOT going in the top 5. You guys are idiots. It's THAT kind of shit that we need to stop.

P.S.: I have no idea why I compared the NFL Draft to drugs, for some reason a parallel existed in my head and it made the most sense.

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