Thursday, February 14, 2008

Starbucks Rules

Since I don't want to talk about Roger Clemens, Arlen Specter, the failed Jason Kidd trade, Kelvin Sampson continuing to be an idiot, the Cavs losing a hard faught battle, or CC cutting off negotiations with the Tribe, and I sure as hell don't wanna start working, I'm going to talk about how awesome caffeine is.

I love caffeine, in any form, at any temperature. I drink it in the morning, in the afternoon, before I go to bed, I don't care, I fucking love the shit. I always fluctuate between my preferances for my caffeine intake, going from energy drinks to Lattes, Coke to espresso, but of all the forms, coffee in it's basic form has always been my true love.

Me and coffee are like a college girlfriend who you keep breaking up with but always manage to get back together because it works. I went about 6 months without drinking any coffee at all, preferring Monster energy drinks, because coffee was fucking my stomach up bad. Everytime I drank a cup of coffee the pain in my stomach made me totally forget the caffeine buzz that I loved.

Yea, it's probably not a good thing, but I cut it out and the pain went away. It was probably from my formative years in school in Texas when my drink of choice was Baileys and coffee. Instead of drinking beer like everyone else, I'd brew a pot of coffee and just go to town with any type of coffee-liquor and loved it. Plus I started every morning with the Hammerhead, a local special at a coffee house down the street that was 4 shots of espresso topped off with coffee. This could be why my stomach hurt everytime I drank coffee, but the buzz was worth it.

I realize I'm a complete caffeine addict. I don't care at all. I'm beyond help, like the heroin addict who just doesn't care about anything else but shooting up. I'm not going to stop drinking caffeine in the morning because I fucking don't want to. I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

Anyways, Starbucks has always been the shit. Yea, they're a little pricey, but who isn't? It's fucking quality shit there, and I'm all about the quality...and the consistency. I can basically go to any Starbucks in the country and get a Skim Latte with 2 extra shots of espresso and it'll be the exact same, and I like that. I like the fact that I don't have to tell some fucktard barista how much foam I want because they already know.

Plus, Starbucks coffee is like coffee on whatever Roger Clemens was taking. A large cup of their shit is like a 96 mph split fastball at the knees while this pussy ass coffee shop right below my office (Starbucks is like a 2 minute walk through my building) is like Tom Glavine. I fucking hate Tom Glavine. I love my coffee scalding hot so it warms up your entire esophogas on the way down, and when it hits your stomach it's like Jack Hamm in the Hammer golf club infomercial. That shit gets in your gut and is like, "POW!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's what I like.

I know I sound like a creepy addict, but I really don't give a shit. For New Years, I cut out caffeine in the morning...yea, that lasted all of 10 days. I had that nasty headache and I yelled at people just for walking by my desk. I couldn't concentrate and, frankly, was willing to spend $2 per day just so I can kick ass like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra. I don't care about the health consequences, because I really don't give a shit if I live to be past 65. Who gives a shit? My family (if I even have one at that point)? Listen, if I have kids, they won't want me around when I'm that old because I'll be the saltiest bastard you ever met. They'll want to euthanize me at the first chance, like if I break a leg, they'll put me down like Barbaro. Plus I still have a resting heart rate of 60 bpm, so I'm pretty golden.

Anyways, Starbucks...I love you. Every morning I wake up, I'm all about goin' down there and flirting with the cute barista that kinda looks a little to emo-ish for my corporate-y ass, but she has such a fantastic ass and wears those tight, whatever. Venti bitch, room for cream. Yea, pour that coffee...that shit is sexier than lingerie.

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