NASCAR and Brad Daugherty

I grew up a Cleveland Cavalier fan. I remain a Cleveland Cavalier fan. Throughout our storied history of getting beaten by MJ, the core of that team is held in the higest regard reserved for almost-winners like Bernie Kosar and the mid-90's Indians. The Cavs were led by the East's version of Stockton to Malone, Mark Price feeding it down low to Brad Daugherty. It was a highly successful combination that pushed MJ in his first prime to almost Pistonian levels, well not really, but we didn't suck too bad against him. Probably would have won an NBA championship if he didn't exist. But he did, so it sucks.

Anyways, I'm watching ESPN yesterday and who do I see? Brad Daugherty. Talking about NASCAR. I'm sure everyone has seen this, but seriously, im completely befuddled and let down at the same time. It's just too crazy and too disappointing.

Lets put this in perspective. Who better to be a NASCAR analyst than a 7 foot black man? Really trying to connect with the target audience aren't you ESPN? Just thinking of a GED graduate alcaholic in Alabama watching NASCAR Now with half a can of Skoal in his lip nodding in approval with Brad's expert authority makes me laugh. Honestly, it's not as if he's unqualified. And that's the disappointing part.

I was a huge BD fan back in the day. But I'm also as northern as snow. I spent 2 years in Texas and it opened my eyes to how stupid Southern people really are. Seriously, this sport is more popular than the NBA and MLB? What the hell? I find that disgusting and horribly wrong, not because it isn't cool, but because I don't know a single northerner who wakes up and says to themselves, "Shit, today Jr. is hittin' Talledega." The only answer is that every Southerner watches NASCAR. Which means every Southerner is stupid.

You have to be dumb to watch a bunch of cars go in a circle for 5 hours. That's exactly what it is. Crashes are cool, but not cool enough to sit there for 2 hours hoping for some fireworks. I guess you have to be born into it or something but it's just so goddamned retarded. Which is why when I see BD talking about NASCAR I feel like I'm watching a hero expose a fatal character flaw. Then comes the kicker. I used have a blue BD jersey that I wore all the time when I was like 6. That shit was my skin, son. Then I hear that the only reason he was 43 was in honor of Kyle motherfuckin' Petty, I damn near vomited.

It's not that I have anything against NASCAR, it's just that I've become condiditoned to vomit everytime I see it on television. I watch ESPN for sports (and baseball, mwahahah bad joke). NASCAR is not a sport. NASCAR is a car, that goes fast. You're not an athlete if you're a NASCAR driver. Sure it takes endurance to sit on your ass for 4 hours and turn the wheel left but that doesn't make you an athlete. If they were all running, itd be a sport. But they aren't. They're driving. That's it. Sure the technology is cool, but its a contest to see who has the coolest, fastest ride, not who's the best athlete. So whenever ESPN tries to convince me of its awesomeness, I get sick.

I love ESPN. Not all the shows, but the fact that I can get sports in my veins whenever I turn on my television. And when I see shit like NASCAR and the WSOP, I feel like my drug has been taken from me. Try taking crack away from a crackhead. There you go. And because one of my childhood heroes is involved, it hurts just that much more.