Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thursday Night, It's Always 420 in Here, NFL Picks of the Week

No spreads, just who's gonna win...

Detroit vs. Philadelphia:
Ah, here we have one of my favorite schematic offenses going against one of the teams I hate more than Osama. Fuck, Joe Banner and Andy Reid.

My-jammy vs. J-E-T-really fucking creative: Don't really care, hate both these teams equally. They get a lot of press, but mostly suck. I'm goin with my gut

Buffa-slut vs. Madden Dream Team: Give me Randy, Tom, Kool-aid, Adalius, Asante, that O-line, the best D-line in the NFL (even without Seymour) over Marshawn Lynch and JP Losman any day (seriously, I'm not being sarcastic here, I truly believe the Pats will beat the Bills as crazy as it sounds).

Buzzsaw vs. Team Stealers: My heart says 'Zona. My brain says Ravens. I'm a creature of logic but I can't knowingly root for a team who's existence is a result of one of the most traumatic events in my life. Fuck.

Rams vs. Tampa Bay: That Steven Jackson commercial is really cool. Plus, he looks like Predator and Predator doesn't lose 3 straight.

SF vs. Steelers: I will never pick the Steelers for anything. Unless it's me picking the whole team to get fisted by Steely McBeam.

Indy vs. Houston:
See Patriots comment and substitute appropriate players. No ultra-beast Andre Johnson.

SD vs. GB: I like both these teams. LT doesn't suck. Neither does GB's defense. I'm super torn. It boils down to this: SD are my initials, GB means gravity bong. LT leads SD over GB. However, SD is lifted off GB's. But then again, the Packers gave us this...

Minny vs. KC:
Two bad offenses. Two good defenses. Neither can pass. Chiefs can't run. There we go.

Jacksonville vs. Denver: Both teams are better than what they've shown. Denver doesn't bitch like Del Rio and the Jags. Denver also has an RB who has one of the greatest traits an NFL player can have...the ability to impregnate anything that walks. 9 baby mama's for Travis Henry, easy win for the Broncos.

Cincy vs. Seattle: Gotta like the Seattle Bird-headed-penises over a team that couldn't stop the Browns. But I don't. Cincy wins convincingly in a battle between the worst uni's in pro sports.

Giants vs. The only team with a more racist name/logo than the Indians: Giants suck, so does Washington. The only difference is the Giants' season is lost. 'Skins in one of the ugliest games of the year.

Carolina vs. Atlanta: Atlanta is a hideous organization. Carolina is an ugly franchise. But the Sex Panthers win 60% of the time, every time.

Dallas vs. Chicago: Great matchup. Is Romo for real? Can TO keep it up? Can the Sex Cannon unleash the Dragon against a weak Cowboy secondary? If only Madden and Michaels weren't involved. I like the Cowboys.

VY vs. NO: Reggie Bush, you are so fucking good, why don't you put your talents to work for my entertainment and my fantasy team? Good matchup, have to take the Saints though, they're too good on paper to go 0-3.

Browns vs. Oakland: They should play this on a neutral field and have one end-zone for the Black Hole and one for the Dawg Pound. As a Browns fan, I don't like to say this, but they should, might, maybe can, hopefully will, perhaps get a winning streak going...I hate saying that. I'm going to bang my head against a 2x4.

Winner Recap: Detroit, Jets, Pats, Ravens, Rams, Steelers, Colts, Chargers, Vikings, Broncos, Bengals, Redskins, Sex Panthers, Cowboys, BROWNS.

Fantasy STUD of the Week:
Willie Parker. Going against a porous SF defense missing Manny Lawson with an ugly offense, he should get lots of touches and lots of yards. And I'm not just saying this because I have him on my fantasy team, I really mean it.

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