Thursday, September 20, 2007

Why the Indians Kick Major Ace and Other Random Thoughts

Quick list of why the Tribe kicks ass:

1. Power Pitching: The Indians have the most intimidating pitching staff of the remaining playoff probable teams, easily. Cleveland is cold. Hitting in the cold sucks ass. CC and Fausto, and to a lesser extent Jake Westbrook, throw some of the filthiest power pitches in the AL. Hitting Fausto's and Westbrook's sinkers isn't fun when it doesn't hurt to hit the ball let alone hitting bowling balls in 40 degree weather. CC is just better than everyone else including that punk Beckett.

2. Timely Hitting: The lineup is as consistent as you would want heading into the playoffs. Each player fits perfectly into their lineup slots and there are always baserunners. Baserunners equal runs. When Hafner and Sizemore struggle throughout the season, you'd think the Indians would be worried, but they find a way be it Casey Blake or Garko or Asdrubal.

3. Big Ass Balls: Basically [I run the business side of a small medical research company] the Indians have the biggest balls in MLB. CC will put his nuts on your chin before you can say, "fatass." Hafner will put your offspeed junk into the gayest fan promotional thingee (i.e. Pronkville, seriously seriously gay name) and then drill your sister right in the ear while he rounds second. Kenny Lofton knew Albert Belle, and Joey has a GPS unit under Beckett and Steinbrenner's SUV's.

4. The Other Playoff Contenders: Red Sox; can't win because God hates Pride and Greed and people from Boston who bitch about their teams' success. Seriously, if the Sox win the World Series, I will blind myself just so I don't have to hear Boston fans gloating about a Sawx WS while the Pats just steamroll everything in shoulder pads and they get to watch KG. The Yanks are just a bunch of mercenaries and Clemens has the clap, which is probably why he steals steroids from his cattle on his ranch. Plus Jeter gave God's perfect creation, Jessica Alba, herpes which is a major no-no. The Angels have Angels in the Outfield. The Indians have Major League. End of story.

Spencey's Random Thoughts:

1. Michigan still sucks. So do the Tigers.

2. If you think the Steelers are anything close to an elite team in the NFL, you are retarded. Beating up on the Bills is easy. The Browns never had a chance thanks to some freak plays at the game's outset. The Steelers are by far and away the most obnoxious team ever.

3. Pats, Colts, Cowboys. There are your only elite teams.

4. That brat and chicken sandwich I ate at the Jake yesterday made me puke into a bowl of recently excreted shit. When I return Friday, I will eat the same thing.

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