Friday, September 28, 2007

The Worst Uniforms in Sports pt.3: NBA

Basketball is in a different world than either football or baseball. Basketball has, for the last few decades, been about style. The individual nature of the sport lends well to oppurtunities off the court and the basketball jersey has long been part of the urban fashion world. That said, there are a TON of shitty basketball uniforms. I could go back, but for the sake of posterity, I'll only comment on the current slate of unis.

5. Atlanta Hawks: New for this year. I do not understand these. The old ones were pretty awful, but at least they stayed true to some sort of team tradition. Everyone associates the Hawks with 'Nique; red and yellow. And while they say they're going back to their roots, those roots have been eviscerated by the historical face of the franchise. There are very few NBA fans who remember when the St. Louis Hawks wore navy blue. Why bring it back?

4. Miami Heat: I hate everything about the Heat. I hate D-Wade, I'm sick of Shaq, I hate Pat Riley, I hate Udonis fucking Haslem. I hate them. I hate their "really original" white-outs. I hate their uniforms. Black, red, who gives a shit. They all suck. They just look queer. Especailly on a fat fuck like Shaq.

3. Philadelphia 76ers: Dear Lord are these atrocious. They look so bland. Predominantly black uniforms don't seem to work in the NBA without contrasting stripes or any other colors. The blue alternates are just as bad, if not worse. Just a really lame effort. Interestingly enough, they closely mirror the GM abilities of Billy King. Boring, stupid and like no effort was involved.

2. Houston Rockets: Oh dear fucking' God these look like a woman menstruated at high speeds on a blank canvas. These lines are just terrible. How could anyone like these things? Especially considering how great the older ones with the pinstripes looked. Look how fucking ridiculous that tall ass Chinaman (sorry, the proper nomenclature is Asian-American, but is he American? Isn't he just Chinese? So he'd be a Chinaman) looks. God damn these are awful, but not as awful as...

1. Utah Jazz: Utah. Jazz. These things go together like cocaine and police. Why keep the name Jazz if you're going to a place where there aren't any black people? This makes no sense whatsoever. Then they use the great colors of purple and sky blue and pair it with one of the most hideous fonts ever. Just a lame excuse. Boring. Terrible. Utah sucks. Carlos Boozer should die.

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