Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Impregnated Suzy Kolber

I'm not going to lie, I find Suzy to be pretty hot, I know I'm kind of in the minority here, people talking turtlenecks and short hair and all that balderdash. But even I don't really even know why. It's not like she shows off a hot body like Erin Andrews or anything and she kind of looks like a mouse or a squirrel or something, but...I just can't describe it. I love Suzy Kolber, which is why I got her all preggers.



See, at first, I was extremely skeptical about goin' into that fox hole. I knew Joe Namath was doing some crotch spelunking, and he never wipes his feet off if you know what I mean. In case you don't, I'll make it simple. Joe Namath probably gave her an STD, most likely ghonnereha, holy fuck, I spelled that right too, on the first try no less. Anyways, upon getting her drunk off boxed wine, I put on some white gloves and carefully inspected the landing zone before I dropped off the package. I didn't want Asdrubal, yes I named my penis Asdrubal, to get the milky bacterium all up in his cyclops eye, so I had to make sure the LZ wasn't overrun by Charlie.

With the landing zone clear, I proceeded to romance this fine football prognosticator with sweet talk of Cover 2 schemes and Chad Johnson end zone dances, which sickened me because Ocho Homosexual sucks, but YOU GOTTA GIVE IT YOUR ALL AND LEAVE NOTHING ON THE FIELD...if you wanna be sexxin' Suzy. Once I got her in the mood, i.e. drunker, I proceeded to do my perfect imitation of a conversation between Mark Schlereth and Merril Hoge which sealed the deal. Seriously, this imitation is like Mariano Rivera, it always closes it out.

I needn't share the details of the job itself as it was basically the equivalent her and Sean Salisbury's on air banter, me playing the role of the career backup QB by acting sickeningly smooth and shockingly dumb at the same time. Who gives a shit, she was HAMMERED DRUNK.

A quick aside, as I was typing this awful diatribe about a fictional insemination, I was introduced to two bosses from out of town by my boss. Fun stuff. Thank God I'm quick with that Alt+Tab shit or I probably would have been, well, nothing would have happened, but I'd rather not have gone down that road.

Anyways, my timing was perfect. She'll be on maternity leave right after the football season, and since that's the only time she's on ESPN (unexplainably) I won't deprive you all of her lovely presence. It was a salicious 47 minutes, one that I won't forget and she probably doesn't remember, but the deed was done. Fun stuff all around.

1 comment:

Jim said...

The next time someone asks, "How bored are you?" -- don't answer.