Tuesday, October 30, 2007

NFL Power Stuff

This is going to be my version of everyone's favorite feature, POWER RANKINGS. I don't like doing it the traditional way, however, instead I like to separate the teams into tiers that reflect their status. The traditional way just has too much room for argument and too many contradictary instances that create this giant clusterfuck that I can't stand. Plus, outside of 1 or 2, 31 or 32, does it really matter where you are?

So instead I'm going to designate classes based on the Nutritional Pyramid.

PROTEINS:

Protein is the most important nutritional thingee there is. It is the foundation for human muscles and tissue, therefore, these teams represent the most complete teams.

New England Patriots
Indianapolis Colts
New York Giants
Dallas Cowboys
San Diego Chargers
Tennessee Titans
Pittsburgh Steelers

FATS:

The most calorie dense macronutrient, fats contain 9 calories per gram (as opposed to 4 calories/gram in proteins and carbs). These teams are powerpacked in one region, yet the deficiencies are going to keep them from being complete this year, but they have much potential for growth AND staying power.

Cleveland Browns - Defense?
Baltimore Ravens - Offense?
Jacksonville Jaguars - Quinn Gray for the next few weeks? Enjoy!
New Orleans Saints
Green Bay Packers


GRAIN CARBOHYDRATES:

While important, the lack of a full amino acid profile doesn't a complete diet make. These teams, while good, just don't complete the equation without some help.

Detroit Lions
Seattle Seahawks
Philadelphia Eagles
Buffalo Bills
Washington Redskins
Carolina Panthers
Denver Broncos
Arizona Cardinals

VEGETABLES:

While an important source of nutrients, the lack of calorie content hurts their value as actual food. Think about it. Vegetarian hippies eat nothing but Veggies and they look like pale, skinny motherfuckers. These are those teams that have some value, but just don't have any substance.

Minnesota Vikings - FUCKING PLAY ADRIAN PETERSON MORE!!!!!!!
Cincinnati Bengals
St. Louis Rams - I refuse to call this a bad team. Injuries derailed this offense, total fluke.
Houston Texans
Kansas City Chiefs
Oakland Raiders
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Chicago Bears

SWEETS:

No substance. No value. These teams are just plain shitty.

Atlanta Falcons
San Francisco 49ers
New York Jets
Miami Dolphins - they will be the worst team for the next 3 years.

4 comments:

Michael Tucker said...

Quick MDP story--I grew up in Augusta, GA and Perry in neighboring Aiken SC. His family owned a landscaping business, and MDP used to cut my friend's grass. The first time I ever saw him (I was probably 5 or 6)he scared the shit out of me. Just this huge, hulking beast whipping a lawn mower around like a toy. Once we found out who he and his brother were, I'd go to my friend's house every time he was there and we'd watch in awe...

Hugh McSnatchercraft said...

NICE. MDP was the man.

Chris said...

why do bloggers always feel it necessary to change things into "witty" categories? Instead of just having a normal power ranking you just had to classify them as "Proteins" and "vegetables" and stuff like that? I don't get it bro.

Hugh McSnatchercraft said...

why? because my job is boring. also, id rather do something stupid than rank teams in order and have to think to myself, "well, team A lost to team D while team B beat team A so team B has to be above team A..."