Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tiger Woods: Just Thinking about It Makes You Go What the Fuck?

I was just watching the Golf Channel and they just showed highlights of the Open, which is going on this week. I have no idea what it was called before decided to humiliate the tournament but it's notable for being the site of Tiger Woods' first professional win in 1996 in a playoff over future PGA Champion Davis Love III. His last shot was a 3 iron coming in from the right over water that landed on the green and just died 10 feet from the hole. He eagled and won. He was 20 years old. And that's the awesome thing about Tiger Woods, he grew up with a camera on him and we have documented proof that this isn't bullshit.

Tiger barely had facial hair. I can sympathize with him because I'm 23 and can't grow a beard, which sucks because I could pwn with an awesome beard. Haha, I just saw a commercial saying, "come to Mississississississississippi." People still live in that state? Anyways, Tiger was young as fuck. Believe it or not, Davis Love III was using Persimmon woods at the time. And on the playoff, it sounds beaten to death, you could see that stare. He stared down a future major winner as a 20 year old and pulled out a ridiculous shot that was nothing short of perfection.

OK. He's a fucking robot. We know this. Watching him play the PGA Championship and FedEx Cup tournaments was a thing of beauty. One shot sticks in my head as just the most obscene fucking thing I've ever seen on a golf course. He was maybe 10 yards at most in front of an overhanging, extremely leafy branch, and about 50 yards from the pin. I don't know how he did it, but he hit his shot with enough loft, it looked like a flop shot, and it comes down behind the pin and rolls back to within 5 feet. The branches, judging by Tiger being around 6' tall, were probably 20 feet high, a tough obstacle. It was just unreal, and the thing is, it wasn't on his highlight reel. Because it's old hat, you see?

Me and AC went to the WGC Bridgestone at the Firestone Country Club in Akron over the summer. We saw about 5 holes worth of this motherfucker. This was right around the time where he was really starting to round into form, realizing that the PGA was his last chance at getting a big trophy, FedEx Cup none withstanding. Watching him drive the ball was the most insane thing I've witnessed. Standing right behind him, we watched him uncoil and SMASH a 350 yard bomb dead center of the fairway. The ball did not stop rising. We seriously walked for a good 3 minutes before we got to his ball. It's truly unfair to compete against him when his driving is that unreal. The only chance you have is praying to God he sprays his drives all over the course, and even then...

The numbers are just staggering. Just thinking about 13 majors in 11 years of being a pro...that just doesn't happen. Not to mention completely changing the way the game is played. If he retired this afternoon, he would probably go down as the GOAT. Therein lies the problem. It obscures the field.

You would think that the 72 remaining professional golfers competing on a Saturday and Sunday would provide a myriad of storylines and drama. No. Tiger destroyed that. If he isn't in the hunt, golf is downright scintillating with a level playing field. When Tiger is on, it's not even close. Tiger's impact on golf is akin to that of Jimi Hendrix's on music. They hit the scene running and it wouldn't be the same from that point. But trying to argue with a stoner about how good Jimi Hendrix is, is kind of like the feeling when Tiger holds the lead on Sunday. Flat-out boring.

And when you can make an entire sport boring (to people who think golf is boring already, go ahead and fuck yourself with a Tiki torch) you're pretty fucking good. And his wife is one fine piece of ace, I know from experience. Ok, so I don't but I'd give her the Shocker.

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