Fuck Bill Simmons. His little gushing piece about how great the Boston sports scene is right now. It was just sickening. Purely sickening. I thought I couldn't hate Boston sports fans anymore than I already did, but this just takes it to a new level. Fuck them. Tribe in 5.
Predictions? Close game, pitching matchup is the star of this show. I think the Tribe gets the early upperhand and wins Game 1 in a low scoring affair. I do think Hafner goes deep. F'sho.
Real quick. The word 'celebutante.' It has to stop. NOW. How on God's green earth can people seriously give a shit about such absolute bullshit? I think homosexuals rule this earth. It's a terrible thing that this is what people waste their time on. It's fucking gross. What a fucking indictment of the current state of our country when valuable electronic communication is wasted on celebrity life. Don't these people have their own lives to live? Can't they worry about things far more visceral than the slop that these people put on TV? How can people really consider this to be a valid point of their precious lives? Is it an escape? There is so much wrong in this world, from widespread wealth disparities between civilized countries and famine and disease and Real World Road Rules Challenge? These are things that our time should be wasted on curing. Not fucking Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan's fucking drug habit. Please people who run television, take more care in our nation's mental wellbeing. It is something that is being wasted on shit like this. Now for sports..
TOP OF THE FIRST:
-As much as I hate Fox, ANYTHING is an improvement over that crap that was TBS. I wish NBC still had a major sport other than Golf. They are a quality institution.
-Frazier is the food midwife. Pizza, pepperoni and sausage. 24 Honey Bourbon wings.
-Grady strikes out, Beckett is a fucking mean pitcher. Asdrubal strikes out, that was embarrassing.
-We were actually just talking right before this, me and Justin were actually talking about it while AC was putting his car away, then he comes in and says the exact same thing. Talk about making a mistake to Hafner. BOMB!! Tribe up 1-rock. That's a great, great thing to see. That stayed in the air for a long fucking time. Pronk. Hell yes.
-Food time. Cut me some slack for a second. AC is just yelling out, "where my pitches," in the manner of the pimp in How High. Victor strikes out. Kinda struck out the side?
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:
-Let's see it Carsten Charles. Show everyone who the real Cy Young is.
-HOLY SHIT. Pedroia almost kills CC. Awesome catch.
-Two quick hits. CC is pitching well tonight tho. He has nice command. I'll give up singles to Ortiz as long as Manny doesn't hurt us. And here he comes with an RBI single. Tie game.
-Double play. Gets out of it. Chill out.
TOP OF THE SECOND:
-That was quick. Shut up Joe Buck.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:
-I'm going to roll up a blunt. Watermelon Phillie. MOTHERFUCKING CHARLES SCHWAB COMMERCIALS.
-CC strikes out the side... nice quick inning baby!!!
TOP OF THE THIRD:
-Pitcher's duel. These hitters have no chance. Other than Pronk and Ortiz and Manny, it's unfair. Another really quick inning.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:
-Lugo somehow gets a hit. Ground rule double. Seriously, he barely hit that 250 feet. Pedroia sacrifices Lugo to 3rd with one out. Strikeout would be awesome right now. Youkilis walks.
-Papi gets drilled in the titties. Bases loaded for Manny with one out. If I wasn't absolutely baked right now, I'd be far more nervous. I feel at ease. I'm totally clutch right now. AC called that pitch a slinker. It was a fastball, but I let him feel good about himself sometimes. He just said "Mike Lowell looks like a retarded boxer."
- I agree (HT: LolJocks). Fuck, down 0-2, Manny draws a baseloaded walk. 2-1 Sox. Damn, ground rule double Lowell, 4-1 Sox. CC needs to settle the fuck down. Walking the bases loaded. Varitek gets another one home, 5-1 Sox. That was a tough play.
-Phew. Squeak out of that inning. Lets go offense.
TOP OF THE FOURTH:
-Lets see. Gets swept by the White Sox in 2005. Doesn't make the playoffs in 2006. He has a $140 million payroll. He's not that good. Those are not good results.
-Varitek is such a douchebag. OMG. He hustles so much. He's such a gamer. Fuck you McCarver.
-Hafner is hanging in there, seen a ton of pitches right now. He's connecting with the ball. Beckett finally gets him for his 6th strikeout. Quick inning for Beckett.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:
-CC is still looking shaky, but he's getting outs. We need a quick inning. Thank God. Real quick. Lets get going offense.
TOP OF THE FIFTH:
-OK, this is officially creepy. I didn't have my rally hat on, but AC did. Then, as soon as I put on the rally hat, Kenny gets a double...creepy.
-Stan Marsh's dad is the umpire behind the plate. Cartman's mom is fluffing Manny in the clubhouse.
-Smothers it in gravy you big dirty man.
-That was a pretty bad call.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:
-The Dude: "you don't feel better with a cortisone shot. You just don't feel it, it's not like the problem isn't there, you just don't know it's there." Ortiz walks.
-Oh God, more playoff experience talk. Joe Buck just loves talking about that. Manny gets another hit. Bases loaded after the walk to Lowell. Just not CC's day today. There's still a lot of baseball to be played.
-2 more runs. This is getting hard to watch. 7-1 Sox. Suddenly, there's a lot less baseball to be played. Sabathia is coming out, in comes Jensen Lewis. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
-They're pouring it on. This is a full-fledged ass whooping. Veritek gets a double and Kielty scores. 8-1 Sox.
TOP OF THE SIXTH:
-Signs of life, Casey Blake gets a double. Only the third hit of the night. Grady moves him over. We might get a run now. That would be sweet. Fox is playing some trendy music. Asdrubal gets Casey to in. The rally hats are on btw.
-Who is Youkilis talking to? We all know Asdrubal doesn't speak English.
-Eh, at least we got a run. Why are they playing "Cleveland Rocks?"
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:
-Pedroia leads off with a base hit. If this keeps up, I'm gonna get sick of typing how pissed off I am. I don't really like to rehash the fack that I'm really fucking pissed off. Like, not pissed off to the point where I would do any damage to property, especially since I'm at AC's apartment and I've done enough damage to the place as it is. Once I managed to put a hole in his kitchen wall.
-Youkilis gets another base hit, this is getting rough...Jensen is coming out.
-Fultz loads the bases for Manny. Ugh. Manny draws another bases loaded walk. Both times 0-2. Both times draws the walk. That's fucked.
-In comes Mastny. Great. Honestly, this is hard to watch. I'm not going to lie. But I still think they have a chance. They've been coming back all year, Beckett looks like he's going to come out. The Tribe offense is nothing to sneeze at. But back to the task at hand, bases are loaded with no outs. Back to reality. Lowell gets a sac fly RBI. 10-2 Sox.
-Dice-K Mastny. Seriously, the dude looks Asian.
-Don't worry, they're saying, "DREWWWW!!!" Varitek strikes out ending the inning.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH:
-We need some offense. No pressure now, down 8 they can just play their game. Beckett is out, Timlin is in. Say that 20 times fast. DO IT.
-Crazy single for Garko. I think if you're Wedge, you have to strongly consider pitching CC on short rest in Game 4. I'm just saying, he only pitched 80 pitches. I'm sure we'll hear more about this later in the week.
-Bold statement, Tim. I'm pretty sure that Packer fans are indeed glad that Brett Favre didn't retire. Way to go out on a limb there.
-Fuck, inning over.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:
-Another double for the Sox. This time it's Coco. Blech.
-Laffey looks pretty good. Some nasty stuff. Pedroia can't get comfortable up there. He strikes out on a nasty breaking pitch. Moral victories.
-Fuck Boston children. The sins of the father must be borne by their sons.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH:
-This Dick's commercial with the basketball teams coming out of the shoebox sucks. Seriously, there are way too many white kids on each team for it to be an exciting game. UNREALISTIC. Ok, that's mean. I'm not pleased. This Levitra shit is funny. "Hey honey, let's bone on the golf course," says the dude. Kicks in in 30 minutes? Fuck that, snort that shit and it hits you in fucking no time flat. Then you get this giant, purple headed boner that hurts your skin and you pass out the next day and your nose is covered in white powder and you've used half a bottle of moisturizer and your wife/girlfriend is in the corner with her crotch bashed in. Jesus Christ, I just typed that. I am not in a good mood. I'm still kinda stoned and I'm just not enjoying this right now. It seems surreal that this is even happening. I did not expect to get steamrolled like the Royals but there's still time, precious little, but there's a chance. Stranger things have happened.
-Casey Blake came to play tonight. That tells you what kind of a night it's been. The only two times you can legitimately say that is when the Tribe is up 6 or down 6. Ugh.
-Grady gets Blake to third with a sac fly, close to a home run down Pesky's Pole.
-Kinda looked like a trap, but oh well, Blake still gets home. Nevermind, nice catch by Manny. My nuts itch.
-McCarver running out the ever so creative, "and I don't think Matt Holliday has touched home yet."
-Stephen King is my hero. He is giving Chris Meyers the business. End of the inning.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:
-JoBo in. Ortiz double. SCINTILLATING. Manny gives JoBo a total mercy strike. 88 down the middle of the plate.
-Can't complain. Can the Tribe do the impossible?
TOP OF THE NINTH:
-Chris Gomez sighting. Not a good sign. Strikes out to Gagne.
-Base hit for Peralta. SMELLS LIKE A COMEBACK!!!!!1
-Double for Kenny? Hey now. Thats Willy Mays Hayes hustle. The rally cap hasn't come off. It's not quite over yet. Franklin is up, and hasn't done squadoosh. Come on Gutierrez. Got him. There's still hope...not much, but a little. Come on Casey.
-I guess you can't blow on your hands if you're a pitcher. Automatic ball.
-Grady coming up, bases loaded, 2 out. There's still hope. Please...Gagne can't find the strikezone. 3-2. Strikes out.