Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Totally, Completely, 100% Unbiased Midseason Awards Party!!!!!!!!! Part I

That's right. Again, bored at work...gotta find something...figured why the fuck not...okie dokie.

Here's how it's gonna fly...first off...I'm gonna use the shit out of some ellipses...

Then I'm going to hand out...some awards...

Best Team: Haha, I bet you thought this was a real one...FUCK NO. Why do that when everyone knows who it is and everyone has already said it a million fucking times?

Worst Team: I know how to spot bad teams, I live in Cleveland remember? This year's award goes to the most incredibly bad team I've seen this year. A team that sucks so bad, the fans avoid watching so their eyes don't get burnt out by such visual acid. This year's team...New York Jets. Sure, it'd be easy to throw the Rams or Phins on there...but they aren't nearly as bad as they look. Well, the Dolphins are, but I still think the Jets are worse. First off, how can you stick with the 3-4 if you're not going to invest any money into getting personnel for that system? You simply can't just up and say you're running the 3-4, it doesn't work like that. This was a playoff team last year, and I want to ask how? This team can't cover, they can't stop the run, they can't pass and they have Thomas Jones, who can run, but they only run him in obvious situations leaving the door wide open for the defense to stack the box. This team is utterly disgusting. I'd rather watch myself pop a pimple on my own face while having a blind man shave my pubes with a single-blade razor than watch a Jets game. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worst Player: Ooo. Fun stuff. We could nominate all sorts of people here. Tavaris Jackson? Pretty bad. Alex Smith? Ted Washington? All good choices, but none are even close. You could even throw some disappointing players who have shown flashes in there like DeAngelo Hall. But my choice is one which ascends Poo Mountain, none other than Quinn Gray. Quinn Gray? Yes, Quinn Gray. What is it about shitty black QB's and the Jaguars? Is it mandatory they needed a shitty black QB to replace shitty Lord Byron? What was shitty Rohan Davey too tied up in the CFL? Quinn Gray sucks all sorts of nut, the fact that he's starting and the Jags were so shortsighted is appalling. How can people run an NFL team when even I can see that when you cut a QB you need to have an idea of whom to replace him with. Dear Lord.

Worst Coach: I don't think there's any debate about this one. Norv Turner. Tho Cam Cameron, Scott Linehan and the Mangenius deserve credit.

Biggest Pussy in the NFL: Hello Shaun Alexander. I'm extremely sorry that you lost your testicles seemingly at the same time you signed a contract that entitled you to a large sum of money. I believe you're snuggling up with the out-of-bounds line tonight? Seems about right. I have a feeling we'll hear from him again.

Manliest Player: This player beats the living shit out of people. He intimidates just by looking at him and all of the sudden you're compression shorts are soiled. And, yes, James Harrison was picked for the sole reason that what he did to the Ravens last night was downright cruel.

Ugliest Player to Watch: I'm talking about their game. I could care less what people look like as long as they move gracefully and aesthetically. This year's award goes clearly to Shaun Alexander. Remember when he was MVP? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Wait, wasn't he on last year's Madden?

Most Arrogant, Least Talented Player in the NFL: This is a funny award as it could go to the biggest poon winner too. But that'd be a copout and I'm not a Steeler fan. This year's biggest loud mouth motherfucker goes to DeAngelo Hall. This is interesting. D-Hall has a ton of natural talent, a better athlete I challenge you to find. But you know what? For someone who calls himself an elite "shut down" corner, he sure gets burnt a lot. And I mean A LOT. It seems that at least once a game he's getting toasted by some reciever. And it's not like he can't tackle, it's just...something isn't right and he isn't anywhere near the talent that he says he is.

Scariest RB to Tackle: If this was last year, it'd be Steven Jackson. It might still be. But if you're an LB and you see the hole open up and it's you versus the RB, who's the guy you'd least want to take head on? Purple Jesus. Yes, he's good.

Scariest WR to Cover: The easy route would be Randy Moss or TO. But let's get some new blood in here, shall we? Braylon Edwards is a fucking horse. Look at the Rams game highlights if you don't really get what I'm saying.

Freakiest TE: This should be called the Vernon Davis award for TE who is a mismatch all over the field no matter what. It could also be called the Antonio Gates award because, lets face it, he's the best TE in the game by far and away.

Part II tomorrow...

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