Friday, February 15, 2008

Dan Shanoff is a Douchebag

My hatred for Dan Shanoff is not unfounded and pretty well known for the 8 people who have ever viewed this site. He is a blowhard of the highest degree, almost on par with Woody Paige and Skip Bayless and his constant rankling of OSU, which is misguided and hypocritical, coupled with his ridiculous Florida homerism, which is just an arbitrary association, makes me hate him like nobody else, almost as much as run-on sentences, which are highlighted by dangling modifiers.

So I decided to parody his lame ass.

Today's Calls: Florida women's club team. ever? Fellatio for Dwyane Wade, God OSU is gay, Tennessee vs. LSU women's basketball...hyperbole anybody? Roger Clemens is naughty, Why didn't you know this useless fact I'm about to throw out? and More!

The Opening Pitch: Ohio State still sucks.

Yea, that's right. Ohio State sucks. Shut up Buckeye fans. They just put a ton of money into everything and recruit nothing but thugs. Florida's football program is so squeaky clean, they might just be the Cleanest. Program. Ever.

Will Dwyane Wade eat Frosted Flakes? Ric Bucher is reporting that Dwyane Wade ate Cocoa Puffs for breakfast this morning instead of his usual Pop Tarts. Will this have any effect on the Heat's suddenly surprising playoff push?

No. 7 LSU beats No. 1 Tennessee in women's basketball: Is this the Greatest. Upset. Ever? I think so. Only in the SEC can you see such dominance. Ohio State would probably lose by 40.

Barry Bonds > Roger Clemens: Roger Clemens ran over 14 children on his way to his hearing yesterday. Here's hoping that people finally see Roger Clemens for the jerk he really is instead of the selfless, sympathetic figure people think he is.

NASCAR: I'm only bringing this up because I have to. If my fellow Gator fans didn't get their NASCAR fix, they'd think I wasn't a real Florida fan or from the North or something like that.

Meanwhile, OSU lost the National Championship: Is this going to hurt the Big 10 in the eyes of voters? Here's hoping that nobody will ever put Ohio State in the national championship game again, ever. It doesn't matter if they beat every team in the SEC, they just aren't worthy.

Florida club pillow polo team loses intramural contest with FIU: Greatest. Upset. Ever? Not only was Florida the prohibitive favorite, but they were arguably the best pillow polo team in the country. First the Patriots, then Florida's club pillow polo team?

Greatest. Column. Ever: I think so, don't you? Here's hoping that I can fit the phrase, "here's hoping," into every column I write for the rest of eternity.

More. Hyperbole?: I just don't think that's possible. I have used the most hyperbole ever in the history of the English language. I don't think I can fit any more extraneous descriptions to how great Florida or Dwyane Wade are. I might have to actually start giving kudos to. other. people.

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