Saturday, March 8, 2008

Goodbye Sweet Prince: Shaun Alexander

Since it's the offseason and there's shit else going on, I'm going to dedicate a semi-regular post to the faded stars who's contracts make them seem like an anchor. Today, the inaugural post...Shaun Alexander.

I fucking HATED Shaun Alexander. He was the antithesis of everything I look for in an NFL RB, namely, he was a massive, MASSIVE pussy. Shaun patented the "sweep to the end and run out of bounds 5 yards later" move that makes him look like an absolute vag among his NFL peers. Basically, watch some Marion Barber III, Adrian Peterson or Jamal Lewis youtube highlights and then imagine the exact opposite of that and you're left with Shaun Alexander.

I mean, I don't really blame the guy for being such a monumental puss, I sure as hell wouldn't want any part of NFL LB's, but come on, a team is paying you wheelbarrows full of cash, the least you could do is try and eek out a couple extra yards. I don't even care if you don't want to pass block, just run like a man.

It also didn't help that he was running behind two Hall of Famers in Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson. If I were one of those guys, I'd be pissed if I blocked in a legendary fashion only to watch some softie side-step out of bounds instead of taking a CB head on or trying to get a few extra yards. For all the love I heap on the Offensive Line, it really is a two way street, an RB has to return the favor and at least try and bang out some extra field.

Sure, he set the single-season record for TD's scored, and almost all of them were on his trademark sweeps, which again, if I had Walter and Hutch blocking, I'd run the same thing, but it was in such a pussified fashion that it was embarrassing to watch. His MASSIVE elbow pads and shoulder pads, coupled with his vag-tastic running style really just topped it off. Why not just cover yourself in bubble wrap?

Really tho, it's hard to blame the guy. He was an elite athlete and was a pretty crafty runner in the open field and he was a bigger dude and hard to bring down if he didn't try and avoid you. I'm not going to say I'd be the tough nosed runner like Earl Campbell...I LOVE watching that style, but couldn't do it myself. There's no way I'd want to get on that field and try and take guys like Ray Lewis and Brian Urlacher on.

So really, I guess I just hate Shaun Alexander because he is the embodiment of the everyman who wishes they could play pro football. You have to have multiple screws loose to get in there, and lets face it, there's no way 99.9% of football fans have that required insanity, so why should we hate guys who DON'T want to get killed? Oh that's right, because they're there for our entertainment and that's it, we don't care about them 5 years after they retire. We only care about them engaging in the physical equivalent of a 35 mph car crash 25-30 times per game so they can get as many arbitrary statistics as possible.

Eh, fuck it, I still hate Shaun Alexander...FUCK YOU AND DON'T SHOW UP ANYMORE.

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