This is the Most Boring Day at Work...EVAR!!!!!!

Holy fucking shitballed asshatting motherfuckers. Today is atrocious. Today is easily the most bored I've been since that huge ass power outage a few years ago that knocked out half the electricity to the Eastern part of the US and I was out of weed. EASILY. Perhaps even moreso.

See, I'm working in a black hole right now. Nobody wants to do shit, nobody is here to do shit and I don't have shit to do BUT I have to be here. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

"Oh, we don't have shit for you to do, and we won't be here but you gotta sit in your fucking chair that doesn't recline all day and try not to abuse your internet access."

I don't know about you people, but it's hard to keep my attention for 30 seconds let alone 8 hours. 8 hours of fucking boredom.

So because I'm bored, I'd like to send a shoutout to a few blogs that helped me keep from slitting my wrists.

-Deaspin

Yep, that's it.

I love a lot of different blogs. The Big Lead is a personal favorite as is KSK and With Leather. But those blogs have done SHIT today. I've been reading LSU blogs trying to glean some knowledge about the impending NC game, but they're too drunk off bong, fire and swamp water that they can't even stand up yet still maintain SEC Speed is legit.

I usually exchange emails with AC all day long, but he has magically disappeared. I think he's helping some dude with cerebral palsy buy a football helmet or something equally funny yet sad. Palsy is sad, but the idea of protecting a mentally handicapped person with a Riddell Revolution is just about the funniest thing I can think of.

Seriously, we have a bunch of retards, why not give em football helmets? Why should we waste football helmets on a bunch of stupid kids who can't play (and don't want to play) when we can give 'em to retarded people and let them run into shit? THAT'S why I'm going to be the next president people...I'm a fucking visionary.

So we get this new kid in here, the kid is a douchebag. This fucker has a personality like this dry wall that encases me in corporate hell and is short, a double whammy. I don't like short people because I myself have a Napoleonic complex. I hate people shorter than me because what right do they have to bitch if I'm already bitching? I hate people taller than me because I always wanted to shop at a tall-store. I'm 6' even so I'm right in the middle. I have a middle complex.

Anyways, this fucking twat has curly hair and is about 5'2''. Seriously. What, you couldn't break 5'3''? Would it really be that hard to pray a little extra to whatever you pray for just so you could grow an inch? What, couldn't drink any more dairy? What, don't have German or Nordic blood? Suck a dick.

This kid is just SOOOOO BOOORRRRIIIINNNGGG. He is the personification of my day so far. He doesn't speak, doesn't initiate conversation, and when he does respond, it's usually one or two words at the most. But in those one or two words, you hear the biggest condescending prick ever. I don't understand that. How can you look down at someone when you're as tall as a 3rd grader?

I'm going to cut his brake lines.

On to more important things...my New Year's Resolution. This year, as in years past, I will not kill anyone. I haven't killed anyone yet, so therefore I'm on a 23 year streak of awesomeness. People...if you have some big, glorified goal for 2008, you're only fooling yourself. Not only that, but you're downright un-American. It's the American way to set your goals so low, that you'll invariably reach them, it's what our country was founded on.

Think about it for a second. Our founding fathers are lauded for their industrial nature. Yet, while noble and progressive, their model for government just oozed laziness. "Um...just govern yourselves all right? That's not good? Then vote on someone else to choose your shit for you." Wow.

Westward expansion? Just more land for rich people to force others to work.

Our favorite sport employs people who are urged to be as fat as they can.

Our "national pastime" (can we switch that to football yet?) GAINFULLY employs David Wells and Bartolo Colon.

Nothing gets done here because everyone is busy throwing it on someone else's desk, so why should you do something noble with the gift of a New Year? Fuck that. Aim low. Say you'll tie your shoes every morning, mow your lawn throughout November...STOP FUCKING POPPING THOSE GOD-DAMNED FUCKING BUBBLE WRAP SHEETS ASSHOLE.

What the fuck? The one motherfucker in my office decides to be the most annoying prick he possibly can. This dude has to weigh at least 400 lbs. He's your typical IT guy; ugly, socially ignorant, self-inflated, arrogant and obnoxious. I'm considering pissing in my co-worker's computer just so he'll have something to do and he'll stop fucking popping bubble wrap.

I'm gonna go smoke weed in my car then take a nap in the chick's bathroom.

I'm Bored

I'm fucking bored. I have almost no work to do because all my shit is either in someone else's hands or, well, it's finished. I'm fucking bored. All I want to do is sit around my basement, light up my bong and watch Jim Rome is Burning. He's so creative, that Jim Rome. What, with his "burns" and his "clones" and whatnot.

Eh, I'm not gonna lie, I like Jim Rome...he isn't a pussy. "Call me Chris one more time and I'm gonna beat your ass." Hold on, I need to find that youtube clip...brb.



There it is. That's some funny shiat right there.

Anyways, the Browns won in a blizzard. That was sweet as hell. You know what was even sweeter? NOT FUCKING GOING. Yea, I love going to snowy games and all that shit, but yesterday was too much. When the first thing you think as soon as you see the stadium packed 30 mins before the kickoff and when you saw the pregame shit at 12:15 and you could still see the grass, yet at 12:45 it was covered, is, "fuck, traffic is gonna suck," you feel just a little bit more comfortable. That sentence sucked. Basically, I'm glad I didn't go because traffic would have sucked and I hate taking public transportation because you can't smoke weed on a packed train.

It was awesome seeing Jamal Lewis run over those faggots from Buffalo. I thought Buffalo was supposed to have a tough D-line...where was that? They were manhandled by Joe Thomas and co. Hey guys, anytime you want, I'll smoke you up with some good dank nugs if you swing by the place. Pop me an email. That goes for every Cleveland athlete. The bong is always full.

I'm going to try and get a gym membership today. I've gotten fat over the last few months. I stopped working out and eating right, and wouldn't you know it, I put on some lbs. What the fuck is this bullshit? Why make pizza and wings taste so good if it's gonna make you fat? What the hell? I swear to God, if I have to eat fucking chicken breasts and spinach again for a fucking year just so I can see my dick, I'm going to kill someone.

Fuck that shit. I spent a 5 months of my life basically starving myself just to stop being a fat fuck, and an additional 15 months getting in good shape. Then, I give myself a little fucking break, and it's all gone. Fuck that. I'm just gonna start up a coke habit, that'll take the pounds right off.

I should start a weight-loss system thingee, like nutrisystem. Only, I'll put cocaine in my products. THAT is brilliant. Think about it. Not only will people lose weight, but they'll also be more likely to become return customers!! That's a win-win situation. I'd have a built in marketplace for my ultra-successful product. It should be illegal it's such a good idea.

My boss is a real stand up guy. The place I work is pretty similar to Office Space. I have like 5 different bosses. I have this little half-office that's neither cubicle nor office. I have a bitchin computer tho, where instead of doing the work I'm supposed to do, I spend my days reading shit about the NFL. The NFL is like the heroin of professional sports. That'd make college football cocaine. What's baseball? I'd say weed, but that's not true. Playoff baseball is probably mushrooms, because that shit is trippy. Well, the NBA is kinda like coke too. Golf is like good weed. It's enjoyably mellow and it makes you fall asleep.

Anyways, my boss just fucking made my day. This is the big boss. The guy makin the real dollaz. The chief. So we get this email saying shit like, "come to my office between 2-3...PEACE." Well, that's what I woulda said. So I go down there, and we get this package from the Fresh Market. Open it up...BAM. Fuckin' filet mignon, garlic pugilese bread, creamed spinach (nasty) and a lobster tail. He must have had like 30 boxes stacked in the corner of his office and I got there late. That's some serious cash getting thrown down. Talk about some afternoon delight. No, not pussy, food.

If you've ever been on a serious diet, food is better than sex. I kid you not. I've dieted a bunch in my lifetime because I don't have a brain mechanism telling me that I'm full. I've done the "starve yourself for 9 straight days, and go the final 3 without water to make weight" diet when I was younger. The "I'm a fat fuck and need to get healthy diet" when I was a fat fuck and needed to get healthy. The "I'm self-conscious and want to get in shape diet" which turned food into math. They all work to varying degrees.

I used to get nuts about what I ate. I'd time out my carbs and all that shit, eat like 3 lbs. of beef per day. Anyways, after 3 straight months of eating nothing but chicken breasts, whole wheat shit and spinach/broccoli, a piece of pizza is the best thing ever. If I gave a shit about what I ate right now, I'd prefer eating a meatball sub to banging Jessica Simpson. I mean, it'd be close, but...well, just trust me on this one.

Food rocks. Food can make me happy. Food can make me sad. I love food. I love cooking. I love the smell of garlic and onions sauteéing in olive oil. I love charring a marbled piece of beef. I love the smell of Ahi tuna (fresh not frozen) seared with ginger. I could go on like this for hours. Everyone has their appetites. Some people have a sexual appetite that can't be satiated, some have one for drugs and other spirits, some people can't get enough money, golf, power, cars, houses, guitars, etc. The most basic is food. I love food.

Ok, enough of this shit. Thus ends my stream of consciousness.