Thursday, December 27, 2007

This is the Most Boring Day at Work...EVAR!!!!!!

Holy fucking shitballed asshatting motherfuckers. Today is atrocious. Today is easily the most bored I've been since that huge ass power outage a few years ago that knocked out half the electricity to the Eastern part of the US and I was out of weed. EASILY. Perhaps even moreso.

See, I'm working in a black hole right now. Nobody wants to do shit, nobody is here to do shit and I don't have shit to do BUT I have to be here. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

"Oh, we don't have shit for you to do, and we won't be here but you gotta sit in your fucking chair that doesn't recline all day and try not to abuse your internet access."

I don't know about you people, but it's hard to keep my attention for 30 seconds let alone 8 hours. 8 hours of fucking boredom.

So because I'm bored, I'd like to send a shoutout to a few blogs that helped me keep from slitting my wrists.


Yep, that's it.

I love a lot of different blogs. The Big Lead is a personal favorite as is KSK and With Leather. But those blogs have done SHIT today. I've been reading LSU blogs trying to glean some knowledge about the impending NC game, but they're too drunk off bong, fire and swamp water that they can't even stand up yet still maintain SEC Speed is legit.

I usually exchange emails with AC all day long, but he has magically disappeared. I think he's helping some dude with cerebral palsy buy a football helmet or something equally funny yet sad. Palsy is sad, but the idea of protecting a mentally handicapped person with a Riddell Revolution is just about the funniest thing I can think of.

Seriously, we have a bunch of retards, why not give em football helmets? Why should we waste football helmets on a bunch of stupid kids who can't play (and don't want to play) when we can give 'em to retarded people and let them run into shit? THAT'S why I'm going to be the next president people...I'm a fucking visionary.

So we get this new kid in here, the kid is a douchebag. This fucker has a personality like this dry wall that encases me in corporate hell and is short, a double whammy. I don't like short people because I myself have a Napoleonic complex. I hate people shorter than me because what right do they have to bitch if I'm already bitching? I hate people taller than me because I always wanted to shop at a tall-store. I'm 6' even so I'm right in the middle. I have a middle complex.

Anyways, this fucking twat has curly hair and is about 5'2''. Seriously. What, you couldn't break 5'3''? Would it really be that hard to pray a little extra to whatever you pray for just so you could grow an inch? What, couldn't drink any more dairy? What, don't have German or Nordic blood? Suck a dick.

This kid is just SOOOOO BOOORRRRIIIINNNGGG. He is the personification of my day so far. He doesn't speak, doesn't initiate conversation, and when he does respond, it's usually one or two words at the most. But in those one or two words, you hear the biggest condescending prick ever. I don't understand that. How can you look down at someone when you're as tall as a 3rd grader?

I'm going to cut his brake lines.

On to more important New Year's Resolution. This year, as in years past, I will not kill anyone. I haven't killed anyone yet, so therefore I'm on a 23 year streak of awesomeness. People...if you have some big, glorified goal for 2008, you're only fooling yourself. Not only that, but you're downright un-American. It's the American way to set your goals so low, that you'll invariably reach them, it's what our country was founded on.

Think about it for a second. Our founding fathers are lauded for their industrial nature. Yet, while noble and progressive, their model for government just oozed laziness. "Um...just govern yourselves all right? That's not good? Then vote on someone else to choose your shit for you." Wow.

Westward expansion? Just more land for rich people to force others to work.

Our favorite sport employs people who are urged to be as fat as they can.

Our "national pastime" (can we switch that to football yet?) GAINFULLY employs David Wells and Bartolo Colon.

Nothing gets done here because everyone is busy throwing it on someone else's desk, so why should you do something noble with the gift of a New Year? Fuck that. Aim low. Say you'll tie your shoes every morning, mow your lawn throughout November...STOP FUCKING POPPING THOSE GOD-DAMNED FUCKING BUBBLE WRAP SHEETS ASSHOLE.

What the fuck? The one motherfucker in my office decides to be the most annoying prick he possibly can. This dude has to weigh at least 400 lbs. He's your typical IT guy; ugly, socially ignorant, self-inflated, arrogant and obnoxious. I'm considering pissing in my co-worker's computer just so he'll have something to do and he'll stop fucking popping bubble wrap.

I'm gonna go smoke weed in my car then take a nap in the chick's bathroom.

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