He Never Touched Home Plate

The slide is at 1:05 remaining...

That was the most ridiculous 20 minutes of my life. The San Diahgo Whale Vaginas played the elimination playoff game in Colorado against the Rockies. Colorado was down 2 runs in the top of the 13th and the crowd was dead quiet. I was kinda rooting for the Rockies because they haven't really won anything ever and they have a cool vibe to them. San Diego was warming up their closer who has the most saves in baseball history, Trevor Hoffman. Again, the crowd was absolutely dead quiet. I thought the worst, that the Rockies had no chance whatsoever. Tim Kurkjian just said on Sportscenter that he's the only man in history to have over 500 saves.

I was not prepared for the ridiculousness that followed...

Bottom of the 13th, I was watching Monday Night Football highlights and decided to switch back to see what was happening. I'm not going to lie, I thought the Rockies had no chance. Hoffman, 2 runs, science. But then I saw that little Nip Kaz Gozirra had somehow gotten on 2nd. Intrigued, I believed that the Rockies might do something sweet, and seeing as I was smoking construda all night, I thought it'd be a cool thing to be all 420'd on. Anyways, Rookie of the Year candidate and charter member of the Peter Gammons' All-Stars Troy Tulowitzki starts grinding out this ridiculous at bat. Choppin' fouls just to stay alive. Totally confused and uncomfortable staring at Hoffman's beastly changeup. Rides it to a full count, then Hoffman leaves one up in the zone. BAM! Double. Gozirra scores. Rockies down one. MVP candidate Matt Holliday coming up.

I'm not gonna bullshit, the most I know about Matt Holliday is the Home Run Derby thang. It was cool, he's a big strong dude. He looks like a baseball player. He loves himself some chew. Great American. Is he American? He might be Canadian. I'll research this later, it's not important now. Anyways, first fucking pitch. BAM! Damn close to a homerun. Shower pisser Brian Giles can't catch it, flies off the wall crazily. Tulowitzki scores, Holliday gets a clutch triple. Just like that, Coors Field cracks open a Silver Bullet. That was fucking ridiculous.

Then comes up this dude, Carroll or something. Jamie? I don't know. Anyways, the fucking place is kicking ass and Bud Black, ex-Indian, goes out to calm down Hoffman and set his defense. The entire time, this Carroll dude is up there looking like a marmot or a ferret, shifty eyes. Couple pitches or something, I don't really remember. But anyways, then he hits a line drive, Holliday tags, Giles throws, Holliday slides and appears safe. He's called safe. This is crazy. This is one of the most clutch performances of all time.

Then comes the replay. He didn't touch home plate. The plate was clearly blocked. The plate was perfectly blocked. The Rockies' mascot is a purple Triceratops. I shit you not. Anyways, that was as good a defensive play as you could ever see. Perfect throw, perfect block, perfect catch. He never touched the plate. The field is packed and the Rockies are going crazy and celebrating. But, what the hell? He never touched the plate.

Holy Crap. There's no way this is happening. This is as bad as that missed call in the Royals vs. Cardinals World Series and that ump Denkinger. This is worse than the Tuck Rule. This is worse than that time against Jacksonville, the refs allowed a Replay Challenge after the Browns ran a play, and when it got reversed, the crowd rioted. This was to determine an intense competition that determines who goes to the Playoffs. Not fair.

But the catcher dropped the ball? So? He went and got it, and Holliday never touched the plate. Holliday didn't get up to tap home, he rolled over because he got fucked up. Barrett, Padres catcher, picked up the ball and tagged Holliday out. He was clearly out. This was a double play. But the ump called him safe, and he had a terrible angle. It was awful. He couldn't see shit. Jack fucking shit. But the Rockies went nuts. Um. Holliday was out. That's a double play. Get back in the dugout and clean up this shit.

The Padres got screwed. I don't like them really. They have a cool park that serves fish tacos. Fish tacos are fucking great. But they're just weird for some reason. I'm sure they're cool, but I just don't like their logo and font. That's really it. I like their uni colors. But I just don't really like them. I don't hate them but...you get the point. They got flat out shafted. I hate Tim Kurkjjian, but he's right. It was terrible. You won't convince me otherwise.

Anyways. That was one of the craziest half hours of my sports life. I don't think I've ever seen anything like what I saw tonight. That's right up there with seeing the Buckeye's win the 2002 National Championship. Right up there with the Bengals game earlier this year. The Tribe's World Series'. Right there with seeing Vinatieri win all those Super Bowls or Michael Jordan make me cry when I was 5 and Ehlo got his dick slapped. Hell, this was as sweet as seeing LeBron's crazy ass 25 point bukake against Detroit. Nah, it wasn't but it was in the ballpark. But it was fucking cool as hell and it was one of those games with one of those endings that you'll never forget. And I never in my life thought I'd say that about a Padres, Rockies game.

Oh, and Tim Kurkjian is still an idiot. You need instant replay in baseball. Look at how successful it's been in tennis. You have to give it a shot just so shit like this doesn't happen again. It won't ruin the game or slow it down. Baseball purists are retarded.