Hey Wally, it's not what you think!!!!

Manny: Hey Asdrubal, thats a crazy name man.

Asdrubal: Hey Manny, thanks a lot, you know?

Manny: No?

Asdrubal: Huh?

Manny: Man I like that name, where did you find it?

Asdrubal: I don't know man, it's caliente tho.

Manny: HEY PAPI! Did you know his name is Asdrubal?

Papi: HUH?

Manny: (yelling) DID YOU KNOW HIS NAME IS ASDRUBAL?

Papi: No, man! That's a cool name.

Manny: Thats what I said man.

Asdrubal: Hey Papi!

Papi: Hey Asdrubal! Man that's got a nice flow to it. (Papi looks at Terry Francona) Hey Senor Francona, can I be called Asdrubal?

Francona: (looks over and just spits)

Asdrubal: Hey you Red Sox guys are nice.

Asdrubal: Hey Papi, thats a crazy nickname man.

Papi: Hey Asdrubal, thanks a lot you know?

Asdrubal: No?

Papi: Huh?

Francona: So that Yankee job has opened up, huh? George seems like a decent enough guy...

John Farrell: So that managerial spot is open in Shitsburg? Anything's gotta be better than this.

Dice K: OHIO!!!!!!

Real Quick Frustration Post

Why is it that the media assumes that the Yankees will win Games 3 and 4 in the Bronx? Just because the Tribe is throwing out a 15 game winner in Paul Byrd and an improving sinkerballer who has beaten the Yankees before in Jake Westbrook, doesn't mean they're automatically going to lose. Last time I checked, the Yankees' pitching is pretty awful. Can Clemens win still? And Mussina? Am I missing something here?

I'm not being a homer. Give me Byrd and Westbrook over Mussina anyday, and Clemens in his current state. "Playoff experience" doesn't mean SHIT when your arm is made out of fetuccini. If the Yanks don't win tonight, fuck it I'm going there, they lose in 4. Which means I don't get to go to Game 5, but you know what? If it means the Tribe is in the ALCS, I could care less.

Live Blog coming for Game 2. Leaving work here in a second. No idea what I'm going to eat.

Playoffs Playoffs Yankees Playoffs

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck this job. I can't sit still. Fuck that old asshole who just walked by me and gave me a dirty look. He does that shit every fucking day. Oh, I'm sorry that my back isn't hunched over because I'm an old fuck like you. Why don't you just go die. Listen, I know you're Jewish and I know my last name is as German as sausage and beer, but I didn't do shit to you. Ok, back on track. I can't fucking sit still. Who cares about 401k's and college planning. I don't give a shit right now.

All I can think of is that lovable 300 lb pitcher we got with the tilted hat. That ogre with the short bat who crushes anything up in the zone. That switch hitting catcher who will get anyone on base home. That guy in centerfield who catches everything within a mile radius and crushes anything he wants. Hell yes. It's been too fucking long. I'm so excited.

I really don't want to be at work right now. Screw this place. Seriously. How the hell can I concentrate when I know damn well in 7 hours I'm going to have a purple headed baseball boner that can and will kill a medium sized dog? How can I concentrate knowing that the bastion of all that is good in this world of competition (i.e. the Indians) is going up against the most inisidious, disgusting, selfish, arrogant force of the last 11 years (i.e. the Yankees)?

This is like Star Wars. Grady is Luke, CC is Chewy, who is Han Solo? Or Obi Wan? I guess Kenny Lofton would have to be Jar Jar Binks, just because Kenny is kind of annoying. Hmm...who would be Han Solo? Can't be Hafner, he's too much like Chewy too. Fausto can't be, he's too young and not cool enough. Casey Blake isn't good enough. I guess it's Victor by default. Anyways, it doesn't matter. It's Good vs. Evil for all the marbles. That is, until the next series.

The Yankees are the Dark Side. The Yankees are an abomination. The Yankees embody everything that the Middle East hates about America. The Yankees represent greed. Their fans are even worse. Listen fags, it's not your God given right to be in the World Series every year. Just because you spend the most money doesn't mean you have the best team, even if your entire region has an inflated ego the size of a hot air balloon. I mean seriously, you guys hate on the best player in baseball because he isn't the most overrated player in baseball. Give me a team to start, I'd take A-Rod over Jeter every single time. Yet, A-Rod isn't good enough for you. Just because you could pay Clemens doesn't mean you're the greatest team ever. In fact, he sucks, and you wasted $28 million.

Meanwhile, the Indians represent hardwork and dedication. They "stayed the course" long enough to find their own identity and cultivate a stable of players that compliment each other's unique talents. Mark Shapiro said in a radio interview, "we didn't want to collect talent, we wanted to develop a team." That says it all. The Yankees are a bunch of high-priced mercenaries who could care less about the other guys in the clubhouse as long as they get their inflated paychecks. The Tribe are a bunch of guys who live and die with each other. There isn't anything these guys wouldn't do to win and that's why we're a better team than the Yankees.

Listen, we're all scared shitless over here, the Yanks have a shit-ton of talent. But good always prevails. God hates the Yankees just like he hates cloning and homosexuals. The Indians will proverbially slap the collective dicks of these Yankee queers and that dick-slapping starts tonite. I'm fucking excited. Go Tribe.

MLB Post-Season Predictions: Divisional Series

Indians vs Yankees:

The Real AC - Indians (3-1)
Snatch - Indians (3-2)
The Dude - Indians 3-1

Angels vs Red Sox:

The Real AC - Angels (3-2)
Snatch - Red Sox (3-2)
The Dude - Red Sox (3-0)


Rockies vs Phillies:

The Real AC - Rockies (3-1)
Snatch - Phillies (3-0)
The Dude - Rockies (3-1)


Cubs vs Diamondbacks:

The Real AC - D-Backs (3-2)
Snatch - Cubs (3-1)
The Dude - Cubs (3-0)

He Never Touched Home Plate

The slide is at 1:05 remaining...

That was the most ridiculous 20 minutes of my life. The San Diahgo Whale Vaginas played the elimination playoff game in Colorado against the Rockies. Colorado was down 2 runs in the top of the 13th and the crowd was dead quiet. I was kinda rooting for the Rockies because they haven't really won anything ever and they have a cool vibe to them. San Diego was warming up their closer who has the most saves in baseball history, Trevor Hoffman. Again, the crowd was absolutely dead quiet. I thought the worst, that the Rockies had no chance whatsoever. Tim Kurkjian just said on Sportscenter that he's the only man in history to have over 500 saves.

I was not prepared for the ridiculousness that followed...

Bottom of the 13th, I was watching Monday Night Football highlights and decided to switch back to see what was happening. I'm not going to lie, I thought the Rockies had no chance. Hoffman, 2 runs, science. But then I saw that little Nip Kaz Gozirra had somehow gotten on 2nd. Intrigued, I believed that the Rockies might do something sweet, and seeing as I was smoking construda all night, I thought it'd be a cool thing to be all 420'd on. Anyways, Rookie of the Year candidate and charter member of the Peter Gammons' All-Stars Troy Tulowitzki starts grinding out this ridiculous at bat. Choppin' fouls just to stay alive. Totally confused and uncomfortable staring at Hoffman's beastly changeup. Rides it to a full count, then Hoffman leaves one up in the zone. BAM! Double. Gozirra scores. Rockies down one. MVP candidate Matt Holliday coming up.

I'm not gonna bullshit, the most I know about Matt Holliday is the Home Run Derby thang. It was cool, he's a big strong dude. He looks like a baseball player. He loves himself some chew. Great American. Is he American? He might be Canadian. I'll research this later, it's not important now. Anyways, first fucking pitch. BAM! Damn close to a homerun. Shower pisser Brian Giles can't catch it, flies off the wall crazily. Tulowitzki scores, Holliday gets a clutch triple. Just like that, Coors Field cracks open a Silver Bullet. That was fucking ridiculous.

Then comes up this dude, Carroll or something. Jamie? I don't know. Anyways, the fucking place is kicking ass and Bud Black, ex-Indian, goes out to calm down Hoffman and set his defense. The entire time, this Carroll dude is up there looking like a marmot or a ferret, shifty eyes. Couple pitches or something, I don't really remember. But anyways, then he hits a line drive, Holliday tags, Giles throws, Holliday slides and appears safe. He's called safe. This is crazy. This is one of the most clutch performances of all time.

Then comes the replay. He didn't touch home plate. The plate was clearly blocked. The plate was perfectly blocked. The Rockies' mascot is a purple Triceratops. I shit you not. Anyways, that was as good a defensive play as you could ever see. Perfect throw, perfect block, perfect catch. He never touched the plate. The field is packed and the Rockies are going crazy and celebrating. But, what the hell? He never touched the plate.

Holy Crap. There's no way this is happening. This is as bad as that missed call in the Royals vs. Cardinals World Series and that ump Denkinger. This is worse than the Tuck Rule. This is worse than that time against Jacksonville, the refs allowed a Replay Challenge after the Browns ran a play, and when it got reversed, the crowd rioted. This was to determine an intense competition that determines who goes to the Playoffs. Not fair.

But the catcher dropped the ball? So? He went and got it, and Holliday never touched the plate. Holliday didn't get up to tap home, he rolled over because he got fucked up. Barrett, Padres catcher, picked up the ball and tagged Holliday out. He was clearly out. This was a double play. But the ump called him safe, and he had a terrible angle. It was awful. He couldn't see shit. Jack fucking shit. But the Rockies went nuts. Um. Holliday was out. That's a double play. Get back in the dugout and clean up this shit.

The Padres got screwed. I don't like them really. They have a cool park that serves fish tacos. Fish tacos are fucking great. But they're just weird for some reason. I'm sure they're cool, but I just don't like their logo and font. That's really it. I like their uni colors. But I just don't really like them. I don't hate them but...you get the point. They got flat out shafted. I hate Tim Kurkjjian, but he's right. It was terrible. You won't convince me otherwise.

Anyways. That was one of the craziest half hours of my sports life. I don't think I've ever seen anything like what I saw tonight. That's right up there with seeing the Buckeye's win the 2002 National Championship. Right up there with the Bengals game earlier this year. The Tribe's World Series'. Right there with seeing Vinatieri win all those Super Bowls or Michael Jordan make me cry when I was 5 and Ehlo got his dick slapped. Hell, this was as sweet as seeing LeBron's crazy ass 25 point bukake against Detroit. Nah, it wasn't but it was in the ballpark. But it was fucking cool as hell and it was one of those games with one of those endings that you'll never forget. And I never in my life thought I'd say that about a Padres, Rockies game.

Oh, and Tim Kurkjian is still an idiot. You need instant replay in baseball. Look at how successful it's been in tennis. You have to give it a shot just so shit like this doesn't happen again. It won't ruin the game or slow it down. Baseball purists are retarded.