AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck this job. I can't sit still. Fuck that old asshole who just walked by me and gave me a dirty look. He does that shit every fucking day. Oh, I'm sorry that my back isn't hunched over because I'm an old fuck like you. Why don't you just go die. Listen, I know you're Jewish and I know my last name is as German as sausage and beer, but I didn't do shit to you. Ok, back on track. I can't fucking sit still. Who cares about 401k's and college planning. I don't give a shit right now.
All I can think of is that lovable 300 lb pitcher we got with the tilted hat. That ogre with the short bat who crushes anything up in the zone. That switch hitting catcher who will get anyone on base home. That guy in centerfield who catches everything within a mile radius and crushes anything he wants. Hell yes. It's been too fucking long. I'm so excited.
I really don't want to be at work right now. Screw this place. Seriously. How the hell can I concentrate when I know damn well in 7 hours I'm going to have a purple headed baseball boner that can and will kill a medium sized dog? How can I concentrate knowing that the bastion of all that is good in this world of competition (i.e. the Indians) is going up against the most inisidious, disgusting, selfish, arrogant force of the last 11 years (i.e. the Yankees)?
This is like Star Wars. Grady is Luke, CC is Chewy, who is Han Solo? Or Obi Wan? I guess Kenny Lofton would have to be Jar Jar Binks, just because Kenny is kind of annoying. Hmm...who would be Han Solo? Can't be Hafner, he's too much like Chewy too. Fausto can't be, he's too young and not cool enough. Casey Blake isn't good enough. I guess it's Victor by default. Anyways, it doesn't matter. It's Good vs. Evil for all the marbles. That is, until the next series.
The Yankees are the Dark Side. The Yankees are an abomination. The Yankees embody everything that the Middle East hates about America. The Yankees represent greed. Their fans are even worse. Listen fags, it's not your God given right to be in the World Series every year. Just because you spend the most money doesn't mean you have the best team, even if your entire region has an inflated ego the size of a hot air balloon. I mean seriously, you guys hate on the best player in baseball because he isn't the most overrated player in baseball. Give me a team to start, I'd take A-Rod over Jeter every single time. Yet, A-Rod isn't good enough for you. Just because you could pay Clemens doesn't mean you're the greatest team ever. In fact, he sucks, and you wasted $28 million.
Meanwhile, the Indians represent hardwork and dedication. They "stayed the course" long enough to find their own identity and cultivate a stable of players that compliment each other's unique talents. Mark Shapiro said in a radio interview, "we didn't want to collect talent, we wanted to develop a team." That says it all. The Yankees are a bunch of high-priced mercenaries who could care less about the other guys in the clubhouse as long as they get their inflated paychecks. The Tribe are a bunch of guys who live and die with each other. There isn't anything these guys wouldn't do to win and that's why we're a better team than the Yankees.
Listen, we're all scared shitless over here, the Yanks have a shit-ton of talent. But good always prevails. God hates the Yankees just like he hates cloning and homosexuals. The Indians will proverbially slap the collective dicks of these Yankee queers and that dick-slapping starts tonite. I'm fucking excited. Go Tribe.