Playoffs Playoffs Yankees Playoffs

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck this job. I can't sit still. Fuck that old asshole who just walked by me and gave me a dirty look. He does that shit every fucking day. Oh, I'm sorry that my back isn't hunched over because I'm an old fuck like you. Why don't you just go die. Listen, I know you're Jewish and I know my last name is as German as sausage and beer, but I didn't do shit to you. Ok, back on track. I can't fucking sit still. Who cares about 401k's and college planning. I don't give a shit right now.

All I can think of is that lovable 300 lb pitcher we got with the tilted hat. That ogre with the short bat who crushes anything up in the zone. That switch hitting catcher who will get anyone on base home. That guy in centerfield who catches everything within a mile radius and crushes anything he wants. Hell yes. It's been too fucking long. I'm so excited.

I really don't want to be at work right now. Screw this place. Seriously. How the hell can I concentrate when I know damn well in 7 hours I'm going to have a purple headed baseball boner that can and will kill a medium sized dog? How can I concentrate knowing that the bastion of all that is good in this world of competition (i.e. the Indians) is going up against the most inisidious, disgusting, selfish, arrogant force of the last 11 years (i.e. the Yankees)?

This is like Star Wars. Grady is Luke, CC is Chewy, who is Han Solo? Or Obi Wan? I guess Kenny Lofton would have to be Jar Jar Binks, just because Kenny is kind of annoying. Hmm...who would be Han Solo? Can't be Hafner, he's too much like Chewy too. Fausto can't be, he's too young and not cool enough. Casey Blake isn't good enough. I guess it's Victor by default. Anyways, it doesn't matter. It's Good vs. Evil for all the marbles. That is, until the next series.

The Yankees are the Dark Side. The Yankees are an abomination. The Yankees embody everything that the Middle East hates about America. The Yankees represent greed. Their fans are even worse. Listen fags, it's not your God given right to be in the World Series every year. Just because you spend the most money doesn't mean you have the best team, even if your entire region has an inflated ego the size of a hot air balloon. I mean seriously, you guys hate on the best player in baseball because he isn't the most overrated player in baseball. Give me a team to start, I'd take A-Rod over Jeter every single time. Yet, A-Rod isn't good enough for you. Just because you could pay Clemens doesn't mean you're the greatest team ever. In fact, he sucks, and you wasted $28 million.

Meanwhile, the Indians represent hardwork and dedication. They "stayed the course" long enough to find their own identity and cultivate a stable of players that compliment each other's unique talents. Mark Shapiro said in a radio interview, "we didn't want to collect talent, we wanted to develop a team." That says it all. The Yankees are a bunch of high-priced mercenaries who could care less about the other guys in the clubhouse as long as they get their inflated paychecks. The Tribe are a bunch of guys who live and die with each other. There isn't anything these guys wouldn't do to win and that's why we're a better team than the Yankees.

Listen, we're all scared shitless over here, the Yanks have a shit-ton of talent. But good always prevails. God hates the Yankees just like he hates cloning and homosexuals. The Indians will proverbially slap the collective dicks of these Yankee queers and that dick-slapping starts tonite. I'm fucking excited. Go Tribe.

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

This is killing me. I can't take this anymore. This is a new and uncharted territory for my head to be in. People, please stop picking the Indians to win the World Series.

I know I said earlier that the lack of national attention towards Cleveland is shitty, but I didn't think before I said that. I don't want the attention. I want it as far away as possible. I want to remain in the shadows where nobody sees us and we can do our thang without people jumping on the bandwagon, if you can even call it that. And do the Tribe even have a bandwagon? Has it gotten to that point? It's not like we're the Red Sox and all of a sudden women are now fans. Thank God. When you have women as fans you know you're team is a bandwagon team.

Now what's wrong with having people believe in you? How about everything essential to a true Clevelander (Clevelandite? Clevelandan?). We are not favorites. We are not lovable losers. We're moderately successful teams who just happen to have our hearts ripped out at the absolute worst times. It has nothing to do with superstition. Actually, it has everything to do with superstition. Everyone knows what we've been through. It's called sports hell and we're the 9th circle.

The problem is, Clevelanders have become conditioned to this heartbreak. It's kind of like developing a callous on your hands from dealing with hot shit all day. It's just believed that it's going to happen again. And why not? You'd think the law of averages would eventually throw us a bone, but no. We had the greatest offensive team of the last 25 years, a team that was damn near untouchable. Just think of the heavy hitters in that lineup through the years. Belle, Ramirez, Thome, Sexson, Giles, Alomars (plural, they both rocked), Lofton. Yet what happens? In the 1995 World Series, the greatest collection of offensive prowess gets FUCKING 2 HIT BY GOD DAMN TOM FUCKING GLAVINE AND HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING 85 MPH FASTBALL. Need I bring up such luminaries in Cleveland lore such as Jose Mesa? Or howabout a wonderful 6 inning relief performance by Pedro Martinez? I'm working up a sweat here.

The thing is, we don't need these lofty expectations. We don't want people to believe in us. Why? Because we know what lies ahead. We've traversed the barren minefields of sports hope. We've swam the shark infested waters of thinking, "this is our year." We've heard the prognosticators swoon over our lovely collection of athletic talent. And our reward for all this? Utter disappointment.

That's the road we're travelling. Do I think we can beat the Yankees? Abso-fucking-lutely. Do I believe we will beat the Yankees? Yea, but I'm not comfortable in the least. On paper, our pitching is superior, our bullpen is superior, we have a more versatile and speedy lineup, better defense, better strategy, better health and athleticism. But as my partner in crime so eloquently said in a phone call yesterday, "the Yankees are going to score at some point." We all know it's inevitable. The last thing we need is to believe that it's going to change because that's when the sucker punch comes.

I look at the playoffs like this. We got some national pub, played some tough games, even won a series or two. But I always look for the nadir, the apex, the point where it all declines. After LeBron's bukake in Detroit last year, I knew that was it, and I was happy with it. After Ohio State beat Michigan last year and went to the National Championship game, I still had hope, and what did I get for it? Pain.

The one exception to all this is 2002 and this is what we should look at for our model for success. Ohio State went into the Fiesta Bowl against a Miami team, that by all accounts, were playing their games a day early (for those of you who are retarded and can't follow poetic lisence, it means they should have all been in the NFL). I went into that game thinking, "let's just not get embarassed." THAT'S when we strike. Cleveland sports is like one of those snakes or spiders that sits under a rock by the side of a road and when some dumbass wearing Birkenstocks walks by, BAM, got you in the leg, pussy, with my sweet, sweet venom. That's exactly what happened with Miami. That's what happened with the Indians in 1995. That's what happened with the Cavs in Detroit. That's how the Indians overcame the terrible ownership of Rachel Phelps where a motley crew of outcasts led by Jake Taylor and Willy Mays Hayes won a one-game playoff against the New York Yankees. Expectations bring doom. Ignorance brings exaultation.

So when I read some hack writer on a sinking ship like Sports Illustrated says that the Indians are the 7th best team remaining in the playoffs I don't get upset. I rejoice. For this is a smarter man than most. He understands this dynamic. He understands that Cleveland needs odds to overcome. He is a modern day sports prophet who deserves a monument be erected out of fusili pasta. So I say, don't be upset that all you hear is Yanks and Sox. Attention brings disaster and the Tribe will rise from the ashes of the fallen titans. Our modest payroll and creative management will reap rewards far richer than any Clevelander under 60 will be able to comprehend. This is the year of destiny, and just because we're getting ignored doesn't mean it isn't our time, it affirms that it truly is.

The Worst Uniforms in Sports pt. 2: MLB

Baseball is an American tradition. The storied histories of numerous franchises trace back to the turn of the 20th century and that respect for the past gives us aesthetic treasures such as the Yankees' pinstripes and Dodger blue. As beautiful as the game can be (see: home game Giants, San Francisco) it can also be horrendously ugly (see: home game Twins, Minnesota). So without further bullshit, here are the 5 worst uniforms in the Major Leagues. Honestly, it could have been a lot worse though (see: NCAA football).

5. Cleveland Indians: This hurts, it really does. But when I was thinking of the worst uniforms in baseball, I went through each division and mentally pictured each team. I just had to inclue the Tribe. Their home whites are actually good looking when paired with the white top or the blue. As sweet as home cookin' is, the road gear is about as boring as it gets which is why they're on the list. Points off for the logo, its time for Chief Wahoo to go. This is an open call for new uniforms (they already have a new alternate that will replace the vested alternates).

4. Florida Marlins: They're so ugly, only 400 people show up to their home games. The uniforms are probably why. Teal is bad. Teal is worse when paired with vivid black pinstripes. An exercise in subtlety these are not. Coupled with the usually awful Marlins baseball (and the fact that they stole a World Series from me) you have a recipe for some good-ol' fashioned crappy baseball.

3. Oakland Athletics: White shoes. Great for football and basketball. Terrible when paired with gray. The white shoes look so out of place, you wonder if Billy Beane really is gay or if he just packs fudge without a sense of style. Regardless, this is America, and in America we don't look like retards. And how does an elephant fit into this whole shennanigan?

2. Colorado Rockies: I thought the Rockies would be more mountainy than this. God-damn John Denver is full of shit. On a more serious note, purple is not a good color to wear unless you're really really good (see: Lakers, Los Angeles) or really really tough (see: Ravens, Baltimore). The Rockies are pretty awful and pretty puss-egious. Bad combo.

1. Minnesota Twins: Just boring and ugly. The font on the chest is just awful and outdated. The hats, well, there are a lot of 'em. This ranking isn't just about the uniforms themselves though, you have to factor in the hideous arena which makes the unis look even worse. Stay classy, Minnesota.