Thursday, November 1, 2007

Thursday Night, er, Morning, It's Always 420 at Work NFL Picks of the Week

No special bullshit at the beginning of this orgy of NFL prognostication...JUST THE FACTS. JACK.

SF vs. Atlanta (-3): Is it just me or does it seem like all the shitty teams are playing each other all the time? When do the Rams and Dolphins play each other? What about the Falcons and the Jets? Did they play yet? Do they even play each other? Man, I have no idea. I'm taking the Dirties because of one thing, Jerrious Norwood, otherwise known as the legitimate NFL running back that doesn't see the field because Warrick Dunn loves to do charity.

Cincinnati vs. Buffalo (+1): Taking Cincy on the road against an increasingly frisky Bills team? Don't think so. Cincy's patchwork line and shitty uniforms will get trampled under the feet of Kelsay and Shoebel like some bitch cheerleader trying to fix a sign...

Dallas (-3) vs. Philadelphia: As much as the, "J-E-T-S" chant pisses me off, I find the, "E-A-G-L-E-S. EAGLES!!!" chant to be much more irritation. As ignorant as both of them are, at least the Jets one is somewhat original. But please, more than half of NFL fans know how to read and write, spare us the spelling lessons and stop yelling.

Denver (+3) vs. Detroit: Call me an optimist or an idiot, but I just don't think that a team led by Jon Kitna has any chance at being a legit playoff contender. There's no way the Lions are for real this year, granted the same thing could be said about the Browns, but if any team can hold Detroit's air attack off, you have to like Dre Bly and Champ Bailey's chances. Honestly, I have no idea who's going to win/cover/whatever.

GB (+2) vs. KC: Are you serious? Green Bay is an underdog to the Chiefs? I'll give the Chiefs some credit, they're better than people expected, but honestly, they're really a notch above mediocre. Just sit back, relax, and let Brett Favre's dulcet tones wash over you like a warm blanket. Kansas City? Favorites against a 6-1 team? Yea, they're at home, but Arrowhead isn't the same place it used to be. I'd take the Chiefs if they played in a dome tho.

Jacksonville (+3) vs. NO: Another odd line. Even with Quinn Gray starting you have to love the Jags here. Here is a little theorem of mine: if a football team that physically beats the shit out of people faces a team that is made up of a bunch of pussies, the physical team usually wins until the pussy team decides to bring their balls with them. How could you not see MJD and Fred Flinstone running all over these guys? Quinn Gray be damned.

Houston (+3) vs. Oakland: Don't really care. Houston? Sure why the fuck not.

SD (-7) vs. Minnesota: I'm taking a lot of road teams for some reason. I think the Chargers cover, but it won't be easy. Rivers is going to have to have an awesome game because the Vikings don't allow shit for rushing yards. Then again, this could be the Chris Chambers coming out party. Is it just me or is Minny's dome the fucking ugliest building in all of sports? Well, the Devil Rays stadium is pretty shitty, but the Metrodome isn't close behind. Couple that with purple unis? Ugh.

Arizona vs. TB (-3.5): Close game, two decent teams. I like TB for some reason.

Carolina (+4) vs. Tennessee: I realize that they have to make the lines close enough so that people will bet on both teams, but the Fightin' VY's don't beat people by more than 3 points. I mean they do, on occasion, like last week when they won by 4, but this game has "game winning FG" written all over it.

Washington (+3.5) vs. NYJ: Yea the Skins got scalped last weekend by some bush league punk in a cutoff sweatshirt, but they're still a good team. The Jets on the other hand...if the Dolphins, Rams, Falcons and 49ers weren't all having historically shitty years (we might end up with 4 2-14 teams...), the Jets, and especially that fucking asshole Mangini, would be getting roasted. I can't emphasize enough how awful the Jets are. I could make a case that they're the worst team in football right now, and it could be a convincing one. But this is not the avenue for such adventure in team-bashing. Nay, this is a place where we congratulate the possible winners of NFL games, and the Jets won't be in that conversation until 2008.

Baltimore (+9.5) vs. Pittsburgh: If they both lose, we all win!!!! The Steelers are one of the most overrated teams in the league, beating up on the scum of the NFL. Then again, the Ravens wins have come against basically the same opponents the only difference being, the Ravens couldn't score more than 20 points. I think Big Ben sucks it up in this game and everyone's favorite Ed Reed makes a bunch of big plays and, not necessarily wins outright, but will at least keep it close.

GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seattle vs. Cleveland (-1.5): I'm in shock, nay, AWE. The Browns are actually a favorite against a division leader. Granted that division leader is one of the most putrid teams in the league, but a division leader none-the-less. I'm totally prepared for a Browns defeat or victory. Basically what I'm saying is that as big a Browns fan as I am, I can afford to miss this game. At least, I can tell myself that because I wont have the FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH FUCKING PATRIOTS VS. COLTS BECAUSE THE FUCKING NFL IS A BUNCH OF DIPSHITS AND DOESN'T WANT TO SHOW FAVORITISM TO TWO MARQUEE TEAMS SO MY FUCKING CITY GETS INCLUDED IN THE 6% OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T GET THIS GAME. Why don't I get to watch the Pats-Colts game? Because the fucking Seahawks are in town. As if I didn't hate the Seahawks enough as it is, I get to see their fucking ugly ass Certs package uniforms clash with an entire stadium of Brown and Orange...great.

New England vs. Indianapolis (+5): I'll talk about this game in it's own post.

Fantasy Stud of the Week: Was I right about Braylon Edwards last week? Fuck and yes. This week, it's MJD. No bullshit really, just that he's facing the Saints defense, which I mentioned earlier is comprised fully of a large group of labias. I see MJD GASHing his way all over the field, especially since Quinn Gray is the starting QB. Quinn Gray. Team that wants to run all day. Defense that can't stop said run. Little cannonball running back who doesn't enjoy being tackled. I'll take my chances with that scenario.

No comments: