Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Bill Parcells Coaching FUPA Tree

Much has been made about the legacy coaches bestow on the rest of the league. Bill Walsh spread his influence, not only through the 49ers organization, but throughout the league by way of his assistants rising in prominence and being given coaching jobs elsewhere. Coaches like Mike Holmgren, Andy Reid and Jon Gruden are current incarnations of Walsh's coaching philosophies, amongst many others. A more modern equivalent would be the Tony Dungy coaching tree, counting guys like Lovie Smith and Mike Tomlin as legacies.

While the Bill Parcells tree might be the one of the most influential, I'm here to argue that his legacy on the FUPA amongst NFL coaches might be the most significant.

For those in the dark, a FUPA is an acronym for Fat Upper Pussy Area and refers to the resemblance of the midsection creating a bubble of sorts resulting in a lovely, egg shaped torso. The FUPA, or gunt (as in gut-cunt), is a terrible condition resulting in years of being a fat fuck as well as having superior FUPA genes.

The gunt is even more-so evident when clothing is selected which highlights this area. Choices such as pleated pants/shorts which are worn where the waist is normally located really brings out the best of a wonderful FUPA. Parcells is the master of this, and his torch has been brandished by current coaches in his stead. Parcells not only taught these guys how to coach, no, he taught them the value of a gunt's influence on their team. A powerful leader is exemplified by a powerful gunt.

BILL PARCELLS: Gunt-king, overlord if you will. Sure, there are better pictures than this one, but none of them give such a wonderful side-view of the gunt. Notice the gut hanging down well below his waist line. Notice the supple lovehandles that consumate the egg-shape. Notice the flabby, flesh fanny pack that is seemingly notched below his belt. This, in it's most visceral form, is the FUPA.

CHARLIE WEIS: If Parcells is the Joe Montana of the gunt, then Weis is Tom Brady. This is the modern evolution of the Parcells-gunt. This FUPA is like a wolf in that it is unable to be tamed. Weis tried, oh yes, but man has not made staples that can keep this gunt under control. Instead of stomach staples, they should have spot-welded the bastard.

ROMEO CRENNEL: He hits close to home. More walrus than Humpty Dumpty, Romeo is more traditional in his guntery. He embodies the Parcells spirit and loyalty to pleated pants. He doesn't have the pinched-off look that Weis has, instead actually tries to avert attention away from his.

ERIC MANGINI: Oh, you sly dog you. Trying to conceal such a lovely specimen with your fancy windbreaker and baggy shorts.

MARK MANGINO: Who cares that he probably has never even met Parcells, a gunt like this doesn't grow on a tree.

There are a ton more, in fact, it seems that football coaches love the gunt almost as much as they love the forward pass...which is a lot. If I were running an NFL team, I'd look for two things...players with a history of violent crimes and a tempermental coach with a gunt...that's my recipe for success.

Apologies to Denny Green, Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, Barry Alvarez, Wade Phillips, Rick Majerus (who cares that he's a basketball coach?), and Mike Sherman.

No comments: