Thursday Night, er, Afternoon, It's Still 420 (at work), NFL Picks of the Week

So I'm here at work sipping on Mimosas and eating fried zucchini leaves and then I wake up...

Fuck.

Let's get this shit over with. Lots of road dogs.

Carolina at Arizona (-4): God does Carolina suck. Do they still have Julius Peppers? Is David Carr seriously wearing white gloves? That doesn't help. Steve Smith will kill a man before the end of the season. Chances are its Jeff Davidson.

St. Louis (+9.5) at Baltimore: 9.5 points for Baltimore? I know the Rams are bad, but this is Baltimore. Has Vegas seen their offense? Dear God is this a stupid line. I like the Rams to outright win this mo-fuck.

Minnesota at Chicago (-5.5): The NFC North is just a hideous collective of football with one shining Cheese-flavored bacon, er, beacon. I don't even really care. I just picked Chicago because, well, I don't really know why. They both suck.

Cincinnati (-3) at KC: Thugs be sick of this bullshit.

Washington (+3) at GB: Packers just can't run the ball. Favre has to come back to earth at some point right? I hope not this week for the sake of my Fantasy Football Team, but, my gut says this is the week we see a vintage Favre, 4 INT performance.

Houston (+6.5) at Jacksonville: This is the improved Texans team that beat Jacksonville twice last year right? And this is a regressing Jacksonville team that lost to the Texans twice last year right? The Jags are looking lucky and I don't trust Garrard in the slightest. I think the Jags will win, but it'll come down to the end.

NE (-5.5) at Dallas: NE is just too good. Dallas is great, but they have no chance. Whoever beats the Pats will be doing the NFL equivalent of Stanford over USC and App State over Michigan. For some reason, I smell something really really bad coming from this game. It's going to be a reciever wearing 81. Straight cash homie...take the Pats.

Philadelphia (-3) at NYJ: Both these teams suck something fierce. This could be one of those classic Browns-type victories for Philly. 3 turnovers and a FG at the end to beat a weak opponent. Don't do anything to associate yourself with this game. You'll get menangitis.

Oakland (+9.5) at SD: It's not that I don't like Norv Turner, it's just that he's such an awful decision maker. He has all the smarts to be a great NFL coach, but he doesnt have the ability to make solid moves that impact his team like calling smart timeouts and being careful with challenges. I still think SD wins, but it's going to be a close one. Oakland's D is nothing to fuck with.

NO (+6.5) at Seattle: I refuse to believe that NO is this bad. Seattle is one of the worst teams in the league yet they have a winning record. Shaun Alexander once was good? I think so. Back when he had a line as good as Emmitt Smith's. Am I saying Emmitt Smith wasn't very good. Yes, yes I am. I'm picking NO until they win me something.

Tennessee (-3) at TB: Are you fucking kidding me? Who is going to run the ball for TB? Wait. TB killed Vick because he couldn't read a defense. Shit. Fuck. I'm stickin with my pick, ok? VY has burned me in the past, I refuse to let that ever happen again.

NYG (-3) at Atlanta: I'm not even going to waste my time talking about this collection of shit. Atlanta is the ugliest team in the NFL. The Giants are squarely mediocre. I've already wasted enough of my time so I'll leave you with this tought: isn't it cool to say 'at Atlanta?'

Miami at Cleveland (-4.5): Fuck yes. This has all the makings of either a frustratingly close game, or complete dominance. Actually, I'm beginning to think my Fantasy Player of the Week might come from this group...no. It doesn't. A really hot coworker just walked by and I got distracted.

Fantasy STUD of the Week: Drew Brees. You might say to yourself, "ok, fuck this retard, he's fucking retarded. How do they let retards this fucking retarded out to fucking fuck up all the non-retarded shit fuck? And, how old is this kid anyways? He swears like it's third grade and saying 'shit' is cool. Fuck you, you know what? I like talking this way. I don't care what people think of me. Fuck you." Anyways, DREW BREES EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm really just picking the birthmark. And fuck a picture of Drew Brees, I'm putting up a picture of Carmella DeCesare because she's much easier on the eyes. Much, much, MUCH, easier on the eyes.

PS: Getcha popcorn ready...

Thursday Night, It's Always 420 In Here, NFL Picks of the Week

Now, with spreads!!!!

Oakland (+5) vs. Miami: I like Oakland because of Culpepper and Lamont. Miami is the new Oakland. Oakland is the new Tennessee.

Houston (-3) vs. Atlanta: Atlanta is by far and away the worst team in the league. They'll win 2 or 3 games this year no more.

Chicago vs. Detroit (+3): Both Chicago's starting CB's are hurt at the worst time. Roy and Megatron come rolling into town along with Miracle Kitna. Brian Griese is starting for Chicago which means he'll throw 3 int's subtly without the Cannon's flair. The Bears look like a 5-11 team, Benson can't run, the line can't block, the defense is on the field 45 minutes a game (as good as the Bears D is, they still can't do this). Bad news Bears. BRING ON KYLE ORTON!!!!

Green Bay (-1) vs. Minnesota: For some reason I just didn't feel safe picking GB. They're better defensively (barely) and offensively (significantly) than Minnesota but they just don't seem for real yet. They don't have a running game and Favre blows in domes. But the spread is so low and I feel so underwhelmed by Minny's offense that I just can't pick them.

St. Louis vs. Dallas (-11): This is not a good week to play the Cowboys. If Predator and Bulger were healthy, I'd take St. Louis every time, but they aren't so how 'bout them Cowboys?

NYJ (-2.5) vs. Buffalo: Who cares?

TB (+2.5) vs. Carolina: Carolina is uninspiring especially with David Carr at QB. Even more convinced if Delhomme is out. Plus, TB is this year's Team That Surprises Everyone only to Lose in the First Round by 24.

Seattle (-1) vs. SF: No Gore or VD.

Pittsburgh (-5) vs. Arizona: Fuck the Steelers.

KC vs. SD (-12): You can just smell how pissed off LT is. KC will get torn apart. It will not be pretty.

Denver vs. Indy (-9.5): Old school Peyton ass-whoopin'. Expect at least 300 yards, at least 4 TD's. Champ and Dre can't do squadoosh against Peyton. I heart Peyton.

Philly (-3) vs. NYG: Giants are just too banged up and are facing McNabb at the worst time. Let's have a moment of silence for the plight of the white reciever.

NE (-6) vs. Cincy: You are an idiot if you do not take the Patriots every chance you get. They are a gift.

Baltimore vs. Cleveland (+4.5): Laugh if you must...

Last Week: 8-8

Fantasy STUD of the Week: Roy Williams. Going up against a decimated Bears secondary. Just a case of a terrible matchup coming at the worst time for the Bears. Plus he's really cheap and loves the Transformers. Nothing is funnier than a pro athlete making $1.5 million (that's it? surprising...) being a fuckin' tightwad. Plus, he's a grown ass man as evidenced below.



(HT Orton pic: Deadspin)