Q: Do you have any predictions for tonight?
Carsten Charles goes at least 8. One earned, Five Hits. Sizemore, Garko go deep. Hafner doubles in a couple runs. Tribe wins 5-1.
6:20 PM. 420 mountain time. 420 CLEVELAND TIME. Pregame construda. Kodiak ready. Miller Lite (lo carb baby) ready to roll. AC is a dickwallet. Apparantly dickwallet is not the correct spelling. Sure looks like it's right. We're 8 minutes from heaven. Tribe in the Playoffs, against the fucking Yankees. The Dude has to pass a drug test. Sucks to be him. We got some killa construda up in this bitch.
On the Menu: Donatos. Two Large. One Pepperoni. One Sausage.
Here we go. Ernie starts us off. Let's Roll...
TOP OF THE FIRST:
-Tony Gwynn, Bob Brenly, Some White Dude. Hey, Yankee fellatio starts early. AC does a passable impression of Gwynn. The Yankees do some gay shit, Bon Jovi is singing.
-Tribe. Beat. Steinbrenner. Awesome.
-Lots of lefties out there in Yankee land. Carsten Charles is a lefty I believe. All white. Gwynn starts 'er off blowing us, good.
-Replay please. That's crap. Still no replay. Bruce Froemming needs to retire. Have a heart attack already. Construda in the RooR steamroller is awesome.
-Carsten Charles is really off tonite. He's not getting any help from blue. Motherfucker's ain't callin' strikes.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:
-AC just said at his old job that he hated, he had to call people and it only took 4 rings for the call to count towards his quota. So he would just call people massively in debt, knowing they instinctively wouldn't answer the phone, 4 or 5 times in a row just to get them to count.
-Yes. White people dressed as a Native American caricature. They say Native Americans as a sign of respect. Classy.
-I think I'd take steroids if I joined a softball league.
-Tie ballgame fellers. Chen Ming is fucking a homosexual. I have a dip in. I'm such a fucking redneck. Garko. Thome 2.0. Fuck yes people.
-Wedgie looks awfully grizzled. Playoff beard? HELL FUCKING YES.
-Jhonny fucks up. But fucking LOFTON. Smells like 1995.
TOP OF THE SECOND:
-Justin, our retarded friend, won't grow a playoff beard. What a pussy. I'm growing one. But I can't grow facial hair. Foster, grow a mustache already. I am, it's been two weeks. Carsten Charles has settled down.
-Pizza is here. Great inning.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:
-Old dude behind left handed hitters has a neon pink hat with a vibrant red Native American on it. Have I mentioned that I think Chief Wahoo is a fucking hideously racist mascot?
-The Tribe has an offense too? Funny. Didn't hear shit about it all week. Steve Phillips...Kurkjian...motherfuckers.
-Grady caught stealing. Sucks.
TOP OF THE THIRD:
-Carsten Charles has really settled down.
-Abreu can sure take a pitch. Really good at bat, shitty call tho.
-No dice A-Rod. Not much to talk about that inning.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:
-Apparantly Asdrubal is Vizquel 2.0. Fuckin' A. As I talk...GONE. The Dude says, "BAM BITCH!!" What a well-spoken lad.
-That hurts to see. LeBron...I can't stay mad at you. Pimp watch. SEASON OF DESTINY!!!1!11
-Garko 2-2. Lookin' good. FUCK JOBA.
TOP OF THE FOURTH:
-Charles Carsten is on fire. Good lookin'. Gozirra goes down hard. 3 pitches. OH MY GOD. THE INDIANS ARE LEADING THE YANKEES. STOP THE PRESSES. Douchebags.
-How did that get out. That was ridiculous. Look at that douchebag cameraman. How could you honestly do that. TBS is quite shitty. Nice shot. 4-2. Settle down Carsten Charles.
-He heeded my advice. Cabrera to Cabrera. We need Drew Carey in there.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:
-Willy Mays. Do some pushups.
-AC thinks Grady is dreamy. He's not happy I'm saying this. Like anyone is gonna read this anyways. FUCKING SOUND WENT OUT.
-She-male muscular types...
-Water cover 2/3 of the Earth. Grady Sizemore covers the other 1/3. Grady is batting, nice comment AC. Wang is wasting time. Fucking pussy. Fucking pussy. Steroids are wearing off. Fucking fried rice is wearing off I'll tell you what. Classy AC. Sizemore is out. Nice Pitch.
TOP OF THE FIFTH:
-Tony Gwynn looks like a Blueberry. That's some good construda...blueberry.
-Apparantly down South they hit bull testicles. AC says thats how real men do it. I did not know this.
-Carsten Charles can't get a pitch on the outside corner to save his life. Froemming!!
-Double Abreu. Here comes A-Rod. Abreu is just looking to make contact, not trying to hit anything hard. A-Rod isn't getting a chance, intentional walk. Up comes Posada.
-That guy needs to stop yelling "NO NO NO NO NO." He's getting awfully annoying.
-That was huge. That is stepping up when your back is against the wall. Beckett was impressive, but the Angels aren't the Yankees. Carsten Charles is a smooth operator.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:
-The Indians need some offense here. Whether they go to the pen or stick with CC, they need a little breathing room. Playoff baseball...great shit.
-Victor. What more can you say? Beat your fucking drum John Adams. Show Craig Sager your dick. WHAMMY. No doubt about that. That was about as clutch as you get. Garko up, 3 run cushion. My prediction, Carsten Charles comes out.
-John Adams is the man. One of the legendary fans. Peralta, double. AC thinks Joe Torre is a bitch. Nevermind. He's now a nice Italian.
-KENNY FUCKING LOFTON. 199 FUCKING 5. Apparantly, that's what the Dude was talking about. Bye bye Chen. It's 8:53 here, BUT ITS TRIBE TIME NOW!!!! Ross Ohlendorf is coming in.
-Todd Evans in the house. He's a good guy. I guess.
-CASEY BLAKE!!!!!!!! DOC MUST BE GOING NUTS!!!!!!!! HELL YES!!!!!!!!! 9-5!!!
TOP OF THE SIXTH:
-Random mid-game text messaging to Dude and AC's Yankee fan college buddy: Dude: Go Tribe! Yankee fan: Die all of you, you're the ninth person to text me. AC: Make it 10 bitch. Yankee fan: Stick Dude's big ass head in there(?). Typical intelligence of a belligerent Yankee fan.
-Perez can fucking deal.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:
-HAFNER!!!!!!!!!!! BOMB!!!!!!!! Another one of those low line drives. Hell yes. Victor promptly knocks a double opposite field. 3-4. Hell yes. AC just compared Victor to Michael Vick.
-What has gotten into Kenny Lofton? Rick from halftimeadjustments.com totally called this on The Big Leads' blog comments. Ridiculous. This is an ass-whooping and I'm enjoying every second of this.
-Text message from Frazier: GO FUCKING TRIBE! Not the most original thing I've ever heard, but succinct and accurate none the less. Quite similar to the ass-whooping we've delivered. "The Cleveland Crushers," Chip Caray describes us as. That's just fucking terrible. TBS is pretty bad. I feel awful for Tony Gwynn, he's better than this.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH:
-Hey Damon, how's your wife and my kids?
-Web Gem nominee for Gutierrez.
-Perez is one helluva pitcher.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:
-Not much happened. Who you gonna bring in Wedgie?
TOP OF THE EIGHTH:
-Um. That was just about the quickest inning I have ever seen. Jensen Lewis is a helluva pitcher. He must have thrown more warmup pitches than actual pitches. A-Rod, Posada, Gozirra. Damn. Let's get a couple more.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:
-Garko Insurance. That's right. PILE IT ON!!!!! Someone did predict a Garko HR. Hmm. Who is this incredibly brilliant and sexy sexy man? ME. Peralta? No.
-Definitely getting more comfortable. Again, the bullpen is the question. Do you burn Lewis and only really have Betancourt for tomorrow? Do you go to JoBo? It'll be interesting to see who Wedgie pulls out.
TOP OF THE NINTH:
-I did not expect Betancourt. Hopefully him and Lewis will be good to go tomorrow in case anything happens. Awfully interesting. Still have Laffey, Fultz. But they're not Betancourt, and after tonight, Lewis. But Betancourt is good to seal the deal, no doubt. He's throwin' darts now.
-Frazier: The Yankees are done right now. Look at them piss and moan. A good night. Nicely put Frazier. Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I could whoop the shit out of that, but for a text, you aight.
-5 hits all game. Where's that offense? It's not like they didn't have guys on base. TBS needs to get their sound fixed NOW.
-What more can I say. NOT IN MY TEEPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the Playoffs.