Thursday, October 4, 2007

Playoffs? Playoffs!: Yanks vs. Tribe Game 1 Live Blog

Q: Do you have any predictions for tonight?
A: Pain...

Carsten Charles goes at least 8. One earned, Five Hits. Sizemore, Garko go deep. Hafner doubles in a couple runs. Tribe wins 5-1.

6:20 PM. 420 mountain time. 420 CLEVELAND TIME. Pregame construda. Kodiak ready. Miller Lite (lo carb baby) ready to roll. AC is a dickwallet. Apparantly dickwallet is not the correct spelling. Sure looks like it's right. We're 8 minutes from heaven. Tribe in the Playoffs, against the fucking Yankees. The Dude has to pass a drug test. Sucks to be him. We got some killa construda up in this bitch.

On the Menu: Donatos. Two Large. One Pepperoni. One Sausage.

Here we go. Ernie starts us off. Let's Roll...


-Tony Gwynn, Bob Brenly, Some White Dude. Hey, Yankee fellatio starts early. AC does a passable impression of Gwynn. The Yankees do some gay shit, Bon Jovi is singing.

-Tribe. Beat. Steinbrenner. Awesome.

-Lots of lefties out there in Yankee land. Carsten Charles is a lefty I believe. All white. Gwynn starts 'er off blowing us, good.

-Replay please. That's crap. Still no replay. Bruce Froemming needs to retire. Have a heart attack already. Construda in the RooR steamroller is awesome.

-Carsten Charles is really off tonite. He's not getting any help from blue. Motherfucker's ain't callin' strikes.


AC just said at his old job that he hated, he had to call people and it only took 4 rings for the call to count towards his quota. So he would just call people massively in debt, knowing they instinctively wouldn't answer the phone, 4 or 5 times in a row just to get them to count.

-Yes. White people dressed as a Native American caricature. They say Native Americans as a sign of respect. Classy.

-I think I'd take steroids if I joined a softball league.

-Tie ballgame fellers. Chen Ming is fucking a homosexual. I have a dip in. I'm such a fucking redneck. Garko. Thome 2.0. Fuck yes people.

-Wedgie looks awfully grizzled. Playoff beard? HELL FUCKING YES.

-Jhonny fucks up. But fucking LOFTON. Smells like 1995.


-Justin, our retarded friend, won't grow a playoff beard. What a pussy. I'm growing one. But I can't grow facial hair. Foster, grow a mustache already. I am, it's been two weeks. Carsten Charles has settled down.

-Pizza is here. Great inning.


-Old dude behind left handed hitters has a neon pink hat with a vibrant red Native American on it. Have I mentioned that I think Chief Wahoo is a fucking hideously racist mascot?

-The Tribe has an offense too? Funny. Didn't hear shit about it all week. Steve Phillips...Kurkjian...motherfuckers.

-Grady caught stealing. Sucks.


Carsten Charles has really settled down.


-Abreu can sure take a pitch. Really good at bat, shitty call tho.

-No dice A-Rod. Not much to talk about that inning.


-Apparantly Asdrubal is Vizquel 2.0. Fuckin' A. As I talk...GONE. The Dude says, "BAM BITCH!!" What a well-spoken lad.

-That hurts to see. LeBron...I can't stay mad at you. Pimp watch. SEASON OF DESTINY!!!1!11

-Garko 2-2. Lookin' good. FUCK JOBA.


Charles Carsten is on fire. Good lookin'. Gozirra goes down hard. 3 pitches. OH MY GOD. THE INDIANS ARE LEADING THE YANKEES. STOP THE PRESSES. Douchebags.

-How did that get out. That was ridiculous. Look at that douchebag cameraman. How could you honestly do that. TBS is quite shitty. Nice shot. 4-2. Settle down Carsten Charles.

-He heeded my advice. Cabrera to Cabrera. We need Drew Carey in there.


-Willy Mays. Do some pushups.

-AC thinks Grady is dreamy. He's not happy I'm saying this. Like anyone is gonna read this anyways. FUCKING SOUND WENT OUT.

-She-male muscular types...

-Water cover 2/3 of the Earth. Grady Sizemore covers the other 1/3. Grady is batting, nice comment AC. Wang is wasting time. Fucking pussy. Fucking pussy. Steroids are wearing off. Fucking fried rice is wearing off I'll tell you what. Classy AC. Sizemore is out. Nice Pitch.


-Tony Gwynn looks like a Blueberry. That's some good construda...blueberry.

-Apparantly down South they hit bull testicles. AC says thats how real men do it. I did not know this.

-Carsten Charles can't get a pitch on the outside corner to save his life. Froemming!!

-Double Abreu. Here comes A-Rod. Abreu is just looking to make contact, not trying to hit anything hard. A-Rod isn't getting a chance, intentional walk. Up comes Posada.

-That guy needs to stop yelling "NO NO NO NO NO." He's getting awfully annoying.

-That was huge. That is stepping up when your back is against the wall. Beckett was impressive, but the Angels aren't the Yankees. Carsten Charles is a smooth operator.


The Indians need some offense here. Whether they go to the pen or stick with CC, they need a little breathing room. Playoff baseball...great shit.

-Victor. What more can you say? Beat your fucking drum John Adams. Show Craig Sager your dick. WHAMMY. No doubt about that. That was about as clutch as you get. Garko up, 3 run cushion. My prediction, Carsten Charles comes out.

-John Adams is the man. One of the legendary fans. Peralta, double. AC thinks Joe Torre is a bitch. Nevermind. He's now a nice Italian.

-KENNY FUCKING LOFTON. 199 FUCKING 5. Apparantly, that's what the Dude was talking about. Bye bye Chen. It's 8:53 here, BUT ITS TRIBE TIME NOW!!!! Ross Ohlendorf is coming in.

-Todd Evans in the house. He's a good guy. I guess.

-CASEY BLAKE!!!!!!!! DOC MUST BE GOING NUTS!!!!!!!! HELL YES!!!!!!!!! 9-5!!!


Random mid-game text messaging to Dude and AC's Yankee fan college buddy: Dude: Go Tribe! Yankee fan: Die all of you, you're the ninth person to text me. AC: Make it 10 bitch. Yankee fan: Stick Dude's big ass head in there(?). Typical intelligence of a belligerent Yankee fan.

-Perez can fucking deal.


HAFNER!!!!!!!!!!! BOMB!!!!!!!! Another one of those low line drives. Hell yes. Victor promptly knocks a double opposite field. 3-4. Hell yes. AC just compared Victor to Michael Vick.

-What has gotten into Kenny Lofton? Rick from totally called this on The Big Leads' blog comments. Ridiculous. This is an ass-whooping and I'm enjoying every second of this.

-Text message from Frazier: GO FUCKING TRIBE! Not the most original thing I've ever heard, but succinct and accurate none the less. Quite similar to the ass-whooping we've delivered. "The Cleveland Crushers," Chip Caray describes us as. That's just fucking terrible. TBS is pretty bad. I feel awful for Tony Gwynn, he's better than this.


-Hey Damon, how's your wife and my kids?

-Web Gem nominee for Gutierrez.

-Perez is one helluva pitcher.


-Not much happened. Who you gonna bring in Wedgie?


-Um. That was just about the quickest inning I have ever seen. Jensen Lewis is a helluva pitcher. He must have thrown more warmup pitches than actual pitches. A-Rod, Posada, Gozirra. Damn. Let's get a couple more.


-Garko Insurance. That's right. PILE IT ON!!!!! Someone did predict a Garko HR. Hmm. Who is this incredibly brilliant and sexy sexy man? ME. Peralta? No.

-Definitely getting more comfortable. Again, the bullpen is the question. Do you burn Lewis and only really have Betancourt for tomorrow? Do you go to JoBo? It'll be interesting to see who Wedgie pulls out.


-I did not expect Betancourt. Hopefully him and Lewis will be good to go tomorrow in case anything happens. Awfully interesting. Still have Laffey, Fultz. But they're not Betancourt, and after tonight, Lewis. But Betancourt is good to seal the deal, no doubt. He's throwin' darts now.

-Frazier: The Yankees are done right now. Look at them piss and moan. A good night. Nicely put Frazier. Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I could whoop the shit out of that, but for a text, you aight.

-5 hits all game. Where's that offense? It's not like they didn't have guys on base. TBS needs to get their sound fixed NOW.

-What more can I say. NOT IN MY TEEPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the Playoffs.


Anonymous said...

Perez looks like a vulture-- I'll take it. Grady is a sexy bitch. Victor is my hero. Keep writing Spence, I'm reading. Doc shit his pants. Brownstown. -- Pat

Anonymous said...

Gutierrez sliding catch---beautiful, Jhonney Damon blows men while Spencer fathers his children, I googled it. Perez is a machine. "Well Cleveland, was it worth the wait?" ah Chip..go fuck yourself, we haven't been circle jerking to the Tribe for the last decade; we only do it when things heat up. Big Green Clean Machine 19.99 plus shipping and handling--classic.

Anonymous said...

When Cleveland scored 3 runs in the bottom of the 1st was there any real doubt that they would win this game?

Also when your so called ace is Ching Ming Fucking Wang anything less than 9 runs should be chalked up to nerves. He's a glorified Westbrook.

And I'll say this next part because after listening to the TBS commentators, I figure theres at least 4 people who dont already know -- Cleveland eats up shitty pitching!

I said cleveland in two, but now I say Cleveland in one. Its already over. Prepare for Boston.