Tonight's MVP: JoBo

It was interesting, that's for sure. This could easily go to Grady or the Byrdman, but it goes to JoBo. That homerun to Abreu fucking almost damn near killed me. And I definately seized during Posada's long foul. But you fucking came back. You gutted it out and delivered the goods in one of the most pressure packed situations you could ever endure. There is nothing that you haven't seen and you've given us confidence. Helluva job.

Playoffs? Playoffs!: Yanks vs. Tribe Game 4 Live Blog

No, Game 3 live blog because I was tired and didn't feel like fucking around all god damn evening with some god damn piece of shit fucking shitty ass Yankees.

I like Paul Byrd starting. He's not a hard thrower, which is exactly what those pinstriped bonerholsters have seen the last 3 games. That can fuck some shit up. Meanwhile, we get this little fucking nip who we napalmed in Game 1. Sinkerballers throw better on short rest? Suck a fucking dick fucking motherfucking Yankees. You're goin' home. Sleep better in Anaheim of Los Angeles A-Rod. I'll wager putting my Chien-Ming in some fat girl and give her sweet lovin' in the AM as well. THAT'S how fucking confidant I am in these pimp ass Native Americans. The Wahoo's are on the fucking warpath and they want some fucking scalps to impress the squaws back at the teepee so they'll smoke these proud warriors' peace pipes.

TOP OF THE FIRST:

-It's win or go home for the Yankees. For the Indians, nothing. They're just scenery tonight. Ladies and Bob Brenly, start your Yankee fellating!!!!!!!!!!

-GRADY FUCKING SIZEMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-AC: "That's a sinkerball that did not sink." Really good analysis you fucking homo.

-Justin's girlfriend just called Grady Sizemore "Luscious lips." Her speaking privileges have been revoked. Wang can't find the catcher's mitt. Because he's got not game.

-Food time.

-2-0. Peralta. Big dick.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

-Byrd watch: first pitch strike.

-Fucking Captain Intangibles. I totally jinxed the Tribe, btw. Jeter's dad looks like Joe Morgan and Apollo Creed's half man-half amazing love child. Who would willingly have sexy-time with Bobby Abreu? That guy looks like a fucking ogre. He holds the bat like a two pump chump.

-Abreu promptly "fists" one into right. Abreu loves fisting. He can shove a baseball bat up his chulo. Gay-Rod comes up. Abreu must have fisted Gay-Rod because that $25 million dollar gigolo strikes the fuck out. 86 mph fastball. Forget the curve, Paulie, throw him the heater.

-AC: "and Byrd with the KY ball." Paul Byrd = Eddie Harris.

-It seems that Yankees only get strikes called on them if they swing. I mean seriously, if the Yankees don't swing at a pitch, it has to be a ball. Apparently, they're really awesome and great and grand.

-Again with the fisting. This Yankee club must have a fetish. I have something funny that just happened and I'm really upset that I can't print it here.

TOP OF THE SECOND:

-Packing the construda in the Bong!!!!!

-AC is a pill popping homosexual. There's another nice hit. Wish he was playing last night. Balls are getting fisted all over the place.

-Bases are full of Indians. Wang is out already? Wow. That's nuts.

-Mussina gets a double play, but still gets a run home. Good enough.

-ASDRUBAL. The rout is on. 2 out RBI's, they've been the calling card all series. Paul Byrd needs to keep the momentum going. Pronk is coming up against a washed up Mussina. This won't end well. Pronk walks. Here comes Victor. Again, this can't end well. Mussina is missing badly and he's facing the meat of the lineup.

-Eh, it's ok. At least we got another couple runs. THIS IS OUR COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:

-Nice long inning for the Tribe. The Yanks are fucking pussies. The sqaws will be impressed with the white scalp the warriors bring home.

-There's all sorts of bullshit going on.

-I'm beginning to think that Chip Caray has a real thing for fisting. Pretty disgusting.

-Byrd just gets Damon to waste an at bat. No damage, 2 outs, Captain Intangibles is up.

-Infield hit. But Casey Blake makes a nice play to keep the damage minimal. Abreu is up, Carl Willis is out chattin' up Byrdman. Byrd doesn't look worried. For some reason the Tribe has Laffey warmin' up. Suck a dick Chip Carey. OMG, he's a Yankee, let me put on some chap stick. Byrd gets out of it. Only one run in. Tribe gets another shot at Mussina.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

-Chip has acknowledged the Indians' offense. Wow. I thought there was only one offense this whole series. Better late than never. Then again, the Indians only show up when there are 2 outs apparently. Moose gets out of the inning. Eh, that's fine. The longer Moose is in, the better for the Tribe.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:

-A-Rod gets punched out on 3 pitches. A smattering of boos echo through the evening.

-Justin can't handle his construda. Posada just shoots one to the gap, almost a home run, and Justin goes, "get out." Dear Lord. AC: "Too high, too high." More fellating by Chip. Victor, former shortstop, makes a nice play to get the second out. Cano has to get a hit now. Inning over, but not without some anxiety.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

-Shoppach leads off with a ground rule double. Mussina is looking a little shaky. The Yankee crowd is dead silent. It's an uncomfortable scene all around. When Wang got pulled, the crowd just seemed to get really nervous and anxious.

-Mussina is flirting with disaster. Pronk intentional walk loads the bases. Victor up. Victor gets a seeing eye single, scores Shoppach and Grady. The lead is growing. Mussina is done, they HAVE to get him out of there. Double play gets them out of it, but the damage is getting done.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

-I dunno, I think there's going to be something said about the Yankees offense and the lead not being large enough for this group of sluggers to overcome. Ugh. This is a great scene though, the Yankees look scared. Hopefully Torre says, "fuck you Steinbrenner, I'm sending Moose out for another inning." Byrd has a few runs to work with, much less pressure than before, but he's pitching very well so far.

-Tony Gwynn keeps the Yankee boner under control. I like Tony in the booth. He sounds very white, and he's black so me liking him makes me feel like I'm not a racist.

-Helluva catch by Peralta.

-The Yankees are looking frustrated. They are just knubbing weak fly balls. Byrd is really getting to the Yanks. It's great to see. He's so old-school, fucking gutty ass performance. Byrd gets out of the inning, Captain Intangibles can't keep the inning going.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

-Gwynn is winning me over with his praise of the Tribe. Who woulda thought that one of the smartest hitters in the league would be an good broadcaster? Gutierrez shows off his Warning Track Power (WTP).

-Mussina flies through the Tribe lineup. That was quick. I still don't care. Leave Moose in.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

-Byrdman made real quick work of the Yankee lineup.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

-A little Vitamin D from the Melk-man? Are you serious.

-Moose is out, Villone is in? What?

-Another quick inning. Things are getting desperate in New York.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

-Byrd for another winning. Can't say I don't approve. He's pitching great tonight. As I speak, Cano goes deep. He went way down for that one. Only one run though. But Perez is coming in and he's fuckin' lights out.

-Chip Caray is quoting a surrogate Yankee cock sucker, fucking Bon Jovi. He's a jersey boy, should he be a Phillies fan? He's an Eagles fan and owns a Philadelphia sports team. I smell something foul.

-Perez is shaky. 1 out, runners on the corner with Captain Intangibles coming up. Jeter hasn't been Jeter this postseason. Crazy situation. "Here's the Captain," says Chip. SHUT YOUR MOUTH CHIP!!! I'M ALL JACKED UP ON MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!

-DOUBLE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Captain Intangibles has been fucking a dead fish this postseason. Huge play, huge play. That hurts bad. I wish they didn't go right to commercial because I would have loved to have heard the air just vacuum out of the stadium.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:

-I wish the Dugout was still at their original site. Professor Farnsworth...please, if you ever get a chance, read the archives for Farnsworth at The Dugout.

-Now even the announcers have to give the Tribe credit. All of the sudden they're changing their tune. Farnsworth shows some nice stuff. He's sportin' the Ricky Vaughn glasses, don't think it's gonna work here, Kyle.

-Gotta love Carsten Charles with the huge chaw in. That's a rare sight. Tough staff with two ace chewers.

-I can't believe how fat Tony Gwynn has got. He's massive. How could this man ever play a professional sport? He looks like he should be riding a Rascal.

-Kenny and his "playoff experience" are carrying the day. Fuck Chip Caray. Lofton has some serious WTP.

-Farnsworth finishes out the inning.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

-Perez still in there, probably only for Abreu, then get Betancourt in for the righties. The money guys in the middle of the Yanks lineup has been worthless. I'll take Melky and Johnny Damon hittin' you as long as the big guys aren't doing anything.

-Abreu goes down, that was masterful. I'd actually leave him in there. Why not? That was dominant. A-Rod is comin' up...gone. It's only a solo bomb, but that clearly puts the blame on Jeter in my eyes. Let's go, keep it steady.

-That was tense.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:

-Do or die time.

-Jose Veras is in, saving Joba most likely. But you can't be comfortable with this guy up there at this point in the game. It's close, but it could get more out of reach.

-Shoppach again with the double. Man, what a great call by Wedgie. Garko is on the bench, and the production is still there. The Dude just unleashed hell from his deuce-piece. Thank you Joe Morgan. Shoppach barely missed to a really deep part of the park. He came up huge. Looks like Mariano is coming in at some point. Veras isn't long for this game. Intentional walk, Mariano is definitely coming in after this, taking their real sweet time with this walk.

-Nice play by Jeter ends the threat. Or is it? Catcher's interference? Nope.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

-Tony Romo is sucking.

-Betancourt comes in to face Melky. Giambino on deck. JoBo's name was mentioned. I'm officially scared. Great play by Peralta. Giambino, the epitome of a great $20 million investment, replaces Shelley Duncan to see a little more of some hard to find PT.

-Betancourt blows it by Damon. It just got real in here.

TOP OF THE NINTH:

-Insurance please...

-How can Yankee stadium be this quiet? Victor leads off with a single off the first pitch. AC: "Victor Martinez, from the Eddie Murray school of hitting."

-Oh for fucks sake, JOE BOROWSKI IS IN THE BULLPEN!!!!! THE WORLD IS GOING TO COLLAPSE!!!!!!!!! OH MY DEAR LORD!!!!!!!!!! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!!!!!!!

-Peralta gets his 3rd hit of the night, 2 on with no outs against Mariano. Let's get some insurance. Lofton advances the runner, guys on the corner with one out. Good fundamental baserunning by the Tribe. Gutierrez strikes out.

-Damn. Casey almost went yard. Some serious WTP.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH:

-This is some serious shit. Captain Intangibles. Abreu. A-Rod. Borowski. This is where a man shows his balls. Fuck, I'm nervous as hell.

-Captain Intangibles weakly flies out to short. One down.

-Abreu takes a first pitch strike, fastball down the middle. Abreu never takes first pitches, that was veteran move. Two sliders miss, one outside, one inside. Abreu goes YARD. That was an absolute bomb. I do not feel comfortable in the least. There was absolutely no doubt about that.

-A-Rod comes up. If there ever was a time to get rid of that fucking label, the time is now. First pitch fouled back. This is not what you want to see if you're an Indians fan. NICE!!! Changeup gets him, A-Rod was way ahead of that one. A nut outside for his second ball after missing on a fastball up. 2-2. FLIES OUT. 2 OUTS. POSADA.

-Here comes Jorge. 2 run lead, all you need is one out...Please, God, please...First pitch strike, thank God, that was right down the pike. I just had a heartattack. DESTROYED FOUL. This is terrible. Now we have an 0-2 count...Please, God, please...YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-JoBo...I cannot say how much I hate you. My heartrate was at least 140 bpm. That was so fucking close...But that last pitch was a work of art. That was the most beautiful changeup I have ever seen. JoBo knew that Posada was looking for another pitch to jack, he knew he'd be looking fastball all the way. The bottom just dropped out of that thing, it was so nasty. Thank you so much for that JoBo, it was close, but as always, you came through in the end. Thank you Indian offense. Thank you Paul Byrd and Rafael Perez and Betancourt. That was a great series and, please, keep the momentum going. That was freaking awesome.

Playoffs? Playoffs!: Yanks vs. Tribe Game 2 Live Blog

What do we have in store for an encore? MORE FUCKING PAIN!!! It's gonna get ugly.

Carmona, 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 K's. Grady 3-4, 2B, 3B, 2 RBI. Pronk 2-4 HR, 2B, 4 RBI.

Tribe goes up 2, winning this one 8-3. Let's make it happen.

TOP OF THE FIRST:

-Pre-game bitch: sound still is fucking up on TBS. Is this happening to everyone? I should know this but I really don't give a shit about much media stuff. Unless it's garbage on ESPN. Ok, the bitch mode is getting turned on. Why the fuck is ESPN still showing poker on TV? I swear to god, they're trying to reach this god-damned NASCAR demographic and it's getting ridiculous. Listen, it's still a East/West Coast and Midwest dominated industry. When did we start giving a shit about the South? Fucking Ted Turner. I would rather tar and feather myself than come within 200 miles of Atlanta or Charlotte. Ugh. Why Brad Daugherty? Why? Ok, time to get serious. 4 minutes.

-Let's go Tribe.

Chip Caray looks like one of those white people that was like molded or something. Like they aren't born, they're constructed. Like Posh Spice. Bob Brenly still here. Still think a sac bunt will help the Yanks come back from 6 down? Dumbass. LADIES MAN IS ON COMEDY CENTRAL. Wow. This is actually a legitimate debate in my head. I have a degree in tang. Yea baby. One of the real underrated movies of all time. Go hang out at a bowling alley with no underpants on.

-Blue tops. Solid choice.

-That faggot AC is at the game right now. By the Yank's bullpen. He'll have pictures tomorrow. If he doesn't, chloroform, 30 pounds of rock salt and a polar bear will surely make for some interesting replacements.

-That is some fucking pitching. Dear Lord. 96 MPH sinker. Good luck, you'll need it. Fausto came to play.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

-Nice start. Hmm...knock on wood before I say anything. I'm calling Pettitte, Pederast all day. As I talk, double play. Its back to Pettitte. God, there are so many T's in his name.

-That douchebag with all the different neon hats is back. Hafner strikes out, questionable call.

TOP OF THE SECOND:

-MONTAGE!!!!!!!11!1 A-Rod. That was quick. The montage was longer. Shoutout to the Dugout...homosexual_rod.

-GOZIRRA!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!one!! Fausto has a fat chew in. Oh dear Lord he's my hero. CALL EM BOTH WAYS BLUE. Pretty lame walk.

-Tight strike zone again. The outside corner is nonexistent.

-Double play. The sinker is dangerous. Fausto is the shit, nay, the shiznit.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:

-Wilbon is giving some credit to the Tribe on PTI. Sees the Tribe takin' care of the Yanks.

-How can Pettitte still throw in the 90's? How old is this guy? He gets an outside corner though. Both ways please.

-Queen Latifah through the ceremonial first pitch? THAT'S NOT A STRIKE. Why is she here? I don't think we have enough Bratwurst. APB for some more sausage please. Oh, and Ice Cream, she loves ice cream only when it's capitalized. She's been a friend of Kinny for awhile now. I say Kinny because it's funnier that way. Tit cancer awareness month. Why does testicular cancer only get a week in April? Just sayin. Damn Sager has some nice shoes. Gators baby.

-Cleveland fans are the best. You play your ass off for us, and we treat you like a god. You act like a piece of shit, we turn on you like that. No free rides. And I'm sorry, LeBron is still the King. Wedge looks like Robo Cop.

-Way to be the batboy Skinner. Heads up. Nice steal by Peralta. Kenny is making Pettitte throw a lot of pitches. If the Yanks have to go to the pen early, it could be huge.

-Kenny comes up with a big hit. Peralta is out by a mile. I like the aggression though. Would have liked to see them make Pettitte throw some more pitches.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

-These animated Charles Schwab commercials piss me off something fierce.

-Asdrubal is a great defender. Barfield is pretty good too, but Asdrubal isn't an out at the plate. He looks exactly like Peralta too. SWITCH THEIR JERSEYS. OH HELL YES. STRATEGERY.

-Wow. Melky catches a mistake and jacks one to the RF seats. Not much damage done tho. Shelley Duncan is juiced in the dugout. Melky looked scared.

-I'm eating. Give me a second.

-Not too much damage. Settled down nicely. Well done.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:

-Double for Michaels. Great start to this inning. We need some patience and a good AB from Mr. Blake. Well, that didn't happen, but a sacrifice is pretty good with one out.

-All the Cleveland wenches show Grady their tittahs. Damn. Wasted oppurtunity. Still gotta get Michael's home though. You do not want to give the Yankees a lead with Captain Intangibles and homosexual_rod coming up.

-Asdrubal can't bring him home. Come on Tribe, don't waste these opportunities, they're precious few. You can't depend on those being around later in the game.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

-Captain Intangibles reaches on a first pitch single. That was so clutch.

-Nice stab by Garko.

-homosexual_rod comes up. 4-44 in Post-season play. I understand it's relevant, it just seems so beat into our heads by now. Fausto isn't giving him anything to hit. homosexual_rod promptly strikes out. Alert the Presses. I'm surprised ESPN doesn't have a "A-ROD AB WATCH" on their scrolling marquee.

-Fausto and Garko carry the inning. Great job.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

-Hafner gets a nice single. That kinda came out of nowhere. Eventually, some momentum is going to get sparked. Gotta like seeing Victor up there with a man on. He's working the count well. He's going to get a pitch to hit or he's going to go to first. Helluva pitch by Pettitte, great little slider.

-Nice obstacle Hafner makes. Just as good as a sacrifice. Pettitte should have let his defense do the work. Guy at 2nd with one out is pretty good. Got some juice up at the plate.

-That was a money pitch. He should have been all over that. Garko coulda blown this thing wide open. But you have to like the patience. Pettitte has thrown a lot of pitches at this point. He just can't have the stamina he used to. Garko grounds out to the ol' genital warts himself Captain Intangibles.

-Pettitte is really mixing up his speeds well. He's catching, especially the younger players, looking for some hard stuff. Peralta was well ahead of that. Pettitte is going to get burned soon if he keeps throwing that straight fastball. And it's gonna happen sooner rather than later.

-That's a wonderful manicure Posada got. He must have gone to Goo-Goo Bumps on Lee. Meanwhile Peralta has worked crap into something. Impressive. Then he strikes out on the same pitch he missed on for the first pitch. That little slider that looks like its coming straight up.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

-Another double play. Pretty nice. 2 outs for this little Melky bitch.

-Not much I could comment on there. Quick inning. Fausto has really settled down.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

-Kenny rocks. Michaels sacrifices Lofton over. Small ball baby.

-1-6 with RISP. Eventually the dam will break. Pettitte will make a mistake and leave one over the plate to someone unexpected. Asdrubal. Casey right now. The lineup is dangerous, if not well known, but don't mistake anonymity for lack of ability. The whole year this lineup has excelled at timely hitting. You can tell Pettitte is a little unsure of himself.

-Lofton is dancing around out there. Gwynn makes a great point about distracting Pettitte. It's a savvy veteran move and it's working. But damn, that huge sweeping curve is awful for lefties. Something has to break soon. Get some damage done now before they can get to Joba.

-Pettitte's pickoff move finally appears. End of the inning. Grady gets a fresh count tho.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

-Turbo sinker. That's a great name for it. That thing is like a cobra. It just twists and strikes aggressively down at your feet. And by the time you pick it up, it starts to break. It's just unhittable when it's on. If there's any inclement weather down the line (please God let it contine so we can play in snow again) that sinker is going to ruin lineups. Chip Caray is still a worthless tool though.

-Captain Intangibles is a piece of shit. I hate him. GET THE SQUIRREL OFF THE FIELD. And Captain Intangibles clutchly grounds out to Mr. Birth Certificate Misspelling.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

-5 hits for the Tribe. Something has to give.

-Tell leBron the Score. That's a creative sign.

-GRADY TRIPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taking advantage of a second chance. Hell yes. This would be a great inning to get some runs. The crowd is rocking. Asdrubal got way ahead of himself. Settle down. Pronk comes up though. The Tribe has been patient at times, but they need to relax and get good pitches.

-Pronk is down. Pettitte is eating him alive. That curve is just killer on lefties. Damn near unhittable.

-Pettitte has his arsenal out tonight. Cut fastball, Slider, Curve, Change. It's all crafty. Gets two huge strikeouts against our best guys. God is that frustrating. You can't keep wasting these opportunities. You can't waste a 2 hit effort by one of your aces against this lineup if you have to head to the Bronx.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:

-Wow. When the Yanks lose tonight, there are going to be some people talkin' about this Al Rodriguez feller.

-AC just called from the Jake. Some Yankee fan punched a kid in the face and ran away. AC was takin' a piss and down a few pissers was a possibly different, belligerently drunk Yankee fan. A cop runs in and, everyone in the bathroom points at the Yankee dude. The cop shoves the dude up against the wall yells, "zip up, were outta here," and escorts him out.

-HUGE CATCH BY GRADY. Glad someone showed up to play today other than Fausto.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

-It's go time.

-Me and the dude are arguing about the degree of apropos doled out to the respective hurlers. "The kid is doing well" is nothing like "omgz pettitte is fucking pwning jesus christ we won't ever see this again"

-Then again, Pettitte is pitching like a demon.

-THERE WE GO. DOUBLE. Peralta steps up. Inches within a homerun. There was that straight fastball over the plate, nearly tied it up. Here we go now, can't waste this. Lets go Kenny.

-This is a huge at bat. Kenny wisely takes the first pitch. Gwynn nails it. Kenny isn't looking to knock a homer, he's just trying to get a pitch to hit, take some pitches. He's the only one being patient. 3-0 on a great check swing. Joba the Hut is warming up. Kenny walks. 1 out, up comes Jason Michaels after the conference.

-Let's see what this kid can do under pressure. Why take out Pettitte? Torre looks a little trigger happy, Jason Michaels doesn't inspire fear, let him ride out the inning. Listen, this kid is good, I won't kid you. Is he the 2nd coming of Clemens or Rivera? Who knows? He reminds me of Clemens just because he's such a raging douchebag but he is a good pitcher. Let's see how this turns out.

-Just so you know, Bob Feller is still the baddest ass dude aside from Jim Brown. You wouldn't fuck with either.

-I guess it's going to be Gutierrez. Thank God. What a different style of pitching. No more nibbling, power curve for strikes. This kid has stuff for days. Slider gets Gutierrez in 3 pitches. 99 mph fastball, looked inside, good frame by Posada. Blake flies out, another missed opportunity.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:

-This is getting tense. I'm getting worried. Joba is not going to be easy to get runs off of. FUCK THESE CHARLES SCHWAB COMMERCIALS. Lincoln financial is a much better company, not that I have any affiliation or anything. But they really have to get a run. Well, no shit, but seriously, get a run.

-It would be such a shame if that one pitch ruined Fausto's day. He's pitching an absolute gem. Saving the bullpen, 2 hits all day against the Yankees on 89 pitches through 7 2/3. They need this game.

-This crowd is just DYING for something to happen offensively for the Tribe. I beg of you, do not let Fausto's performance be for naught. 8 innings. 2 hits. One mistake.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

-Fuck these bugs. Why did TBS just show Joba's neck fat covered in gnats?

-Wild pitch by Joba. Oh he's a true Yankee all right. Sac-bunt by Asdrubal and Grady is on third again with one out. Let's not waste this one.

-Hafner lasers one right to Doug M. I refuse to spell his last name. I like the contact though and I like the fact the Tribe is putting the pressure on Joba. Let's see what this rook is made out of. Tense situation.

-ANOTHER WILD PITCH!!!!!!!!!!!! TIE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-The Dude: HELL FUCK YEAH BABY. I'm beginning to think he has Tourette's.

-Joba hits Victor. This inning isn't over. Chip, it's not the bugs, it's the pressure against this lineup. They're all playing on the same field.

-TBS, does the Tribe have anyone in the bullpen? This would be pertinent information right about now.

-Joba is WAY off right now. Just stay patient. Let him throw as much as he wants, he sure ain't pitching. Get another run of this. Garko walks. Jhonny. LET'S GO RIGHT NOW!! Journey's "Separate Ways" blares over the loudspeaker. Hell yes.

-Joba can't find his fastball. Jhonny is staying alive hitting his breaking stuff foul, the fastball is going to be a ball. Maybe we can get a fastball down the pipe. Nope, breaking ball for a strike. Doesn't matter, we're alive.

TOP OF THE NINTH:

-I wish we had any insight on who would be pitching this inning for the Tribe. fausto isn't over 100 pitches yet I don't think. Let him ride Wedge, hes unhittable.

-Street Sense, yes the horse, introduced the Louisville defense. I shit you not.

-Even if there wasn't any activity in the bullpen, you should at least tell us that. 95 pitches, I was right.

-Fly fishermen in Lake Erie? God these guys are idiots. TBS sucks.

-BTW, me and AC both had the rally hats on during the Tribe side of the inning. That worked when we went to one of the last home games at the Jake, and it worked again. Expect more of this. Only when hitting though.

-Captain Intangibles strikes out. God is Fausto tearing the Yankees apart. This is absolutely dominant.

-AC text: Someone just yelled, "the bugs are from Jeter's crotch." Cleveland fans are the best.

-This would be a great time for homosexual_rod to come through. If he doesn't, he won't hear the end of it.

-LET'S GO FAUSTO. LET'S GO FAUSTO. LET'S GO FAUSTO. Chip Caray just says this crowd is like and English Premier Soccer match. Welcome to Cleveland, Chip.

-Abreu steals 2nd, could be an exercise in futility.

-A-ROD IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT TONIGHT FOR A LONG ASS MOTHERFUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH:

-Rally Cap Time!!! It's now or never. It's time for a huge hit, smart baserunning, basically great baseball. Fausto came through like a horse tonight. Pitching has been outstanding this season. It's time for last night's offense to show up. Joba or Mariano?

-It's going to be Rivera. Honestly, I was more nervous with Joba up there. Mariano can be hit. Hopefully.

-Ugh. He's good.

TOP OF THE TENTH:

-Perez comes out of the pen after two innings last night. I almost convinced myself that leaving Fausto in would have been a good idea. Almost. It was really close. Ok, so I did. But then realized I was an idiot.

-Gozirra pops out. Where has that vaunted Yankee offense gone? Shut the fuck down that's where it's gone. I don't know if that really makes sense, but it's good enough for me.

-Perez continues to deal. He's been lights out for as long as I can remember. Oh wait, that one day where me and AC went to the game he struggled a little bit. No dice for the Yankees though.

-Text from AC: Someone just yelled, "you can lick my Puss-ada." Classy. He flies out, put some wood on it, outside of Melky's home run, the only well hit ball all night for either side really.

-If this game stays tied for more than another inning, you have to give the edge to the Tribe. Will it go that long? We'll find out.

BOTTOM OF THE TENTH:

-Rally cap is on. Let's go Grady. Swingin' for the fences on the first pitch.

-If you're not rooting for the Indians right now, the terrorists have already won.

-Where has that dude who was yelling, "no no no no no no" all last night? Thank God he's not here tonight.

-The more pitches Mariano throws, the better. He's not a young man anymore. Not like me, I'm as spry as a spring chicken. With balls. And no hormones. And I don't shit eggs. But I can run. And I have feathers.

-Grady is going to work today. He wants HIS pitch. He's not going to let Mariano beat him with his little cutters. But that's what Mariano does so well. He has thrown a lot of pitches though. Full count now, 12th pitch of this at bat. Chip nailed it, you don't want Sizemore on base. He's a devil on the basepaths and isn't afraid to steal a base. 13th pitch. A-Rod would have come up with that if he was more clutch.

-SIZEMORE GETS ON ON A STRIKEOUT AND A TERRIBLE THROW BY POSADA!!! Things are getting interesting now. Big BIG break. You have to get runs anyway you can in a game like this and any baserunner is a good thing. Sac bunt by Asdrubal, second great one of the late innings.

-Team. It's what the Indians are. What the Yankees aren't. Pronk comes up.

-Pronk takes one in his wheelhouse. He's had a 1st pitch strike on him every AB today. Strike two trying to destroy it. Was the cutter this time, looked like the first pitch at first, then darted inside, Pronk had no chance. 1-2 after a high ball. Heehee. Pronk really needs to get fired up, he seems lackadasical to me. 2-2 another high one. Pretty much any hit wins it. Mariano looks like he's losing his stamina a little bit. Weak grounder to 2nd. Grady moves to 3rd. Two outs.

-The first thing you think of is the multitude of wild pitches thrown tonight. Mariano has thrown a could past Posada, and with Grady on 3rd, you do not want that at all. Victor gets intentionally walked so they can get the righty-righty matchup against Garko.

-Give him some good, clutch advice A-Rod.

-The Tribe has had 15 opportunities to knock someone home and it hasn't worked out well.

-Garko. 1-0. I'm sorry, I need to watch this.

-One more...GET TO THE CHOPPER...foul.

-Garko gets hit, he gets hit A LOT. Bases loaded. Bottom of the 10th. 2 Outs. Jhonny. A walk is as good as a hit here. Mariano has to throw strikes.

-Jhonny had no chance. Strikes out.

TOP OF THE ELEVENTH:

-Things are getting tenser. More tense. I like tenser.

-Perez going 2 again? Duncan is pinch hitting. I don't like this guy. He seems like a douchebag. Plus if he isn't juicing then he was fucked by genetics with a massive, pimply forehead like he has. He looks like Frankenstein. Maybe that's why his parents named him Shelley. Didn't Shelley write Frankenstein? I think. I'm not a scholar.

-Perez is ridiculous. He doesn't need any pussy ass earplugs like Mariano.

BOTTOM OF THE ELEVENTH:

-Gotta give the advantage to the Tribe now. We have the arms. They don't. They milked everything they could out of their good stuff, and they couldn't capitalize. Now it's Tribe time.

-Rally cap.

-Eh. Forgot about Vizcaino. He's not bad, not great tho.

-Gutierrez gets a nice single. Two on, nobody out. This is great. Vizcaino is not Mariano, that's for sure. Damn, this shit is tiring.

-Great bunt by Casey Blake. Guys on 2nd and 3rd, probably going to walk Sizemore. A flyball ends it. COME ON ASDRUBAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Do not get swing happy. Vizcaino is not a control pitcher. Or get swing happy. Come on now. Coach this kid up.

-That's not gonna get it done. Come on Pronk. COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!! A walk is just as good as a hit. Make him spot his pitches!

-Fuck you JoBu, I do this myself.

-PRONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Playoffs? Playoffs!: Yanks vs. Tribe Game 1 Live Blog

Q: Do you have any predictions for tonight?
A: Pain...

Carsten Charles goes at least 8. One earned, Five Hits. Sizemore, Garko go deep. Hafner doubles in a couple runs. Tribe wins 5-1.

6:20 PM. 420 mountain time. 420 CLEVELAND TIME. Pregame construda. Kodiak ready. Miller Lite (lo carb baby) ready to roll. AC is a dickwallet. Apparantly dickwallet is not the correct spelling. Sure looks like it's right. We're 8 minutes from heaven. Tribe in the Playoffs, against the fucking Yankees. The Dude has to pass a drug test. Sucks to be him. We got some killa construda up in this bitch.

On the Menu: Donatos. Two Large. One Pepperoni. One Sausage.

Here we go. Ernie starts us off. Let's Roll...

TOP OF THE FIRST:

-Tony Gwynn, Bob Brenly, Some White Dude. Hey, Yankee fellatio starts early. AC does a passable impression of Gwynn. The Yankees do some gay shit, Bon Jovi is singing.

-Tribe. Beat. Steinbrenner. Awesome.

-Lots of lefties out there in Yankee land. Carsten Charles is a lefty I believe. All white. Gwynn starts 'er off blowing us, good.

-Replay please. That's crap. Still no replay. Bruce Froemming needs to retire. Have a heart attack already. Construda in the RooR steamroller is awesome.

-Carsten Charles is really off tonite. He's not getting any help from blue. Motherfucker's ain't callin' strikes.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

-AC just said at his old job that he hated, he had to call people and it only took 4 rings for the call to count towards his quota. So he would just call people massively in debt, knowing they instinctively wouldn't answer the phone, 4 or 5 times in a row just to get them to count.

-Yes. White people dressed as a Native American caricature. They say Native Americans as a sign of respect. Classy.

-I think I'd take steroids if I joined a softball league.

-Tie ballgame fellers. Chen Ming is fucking a homosexual. I have a dip in. I'm such a fucking redneck. Garko. Thome 2.0. Fuck yes people.

-Wedgie looks awfully grizzled. Playoff beard? HELL FUCKING YES.

-Jhonny fucks up. But fucking LOFTON. Smells like 1995.

TOP OF THE SECOND:

-Justin, our retarded friend, won't grow a playoff beard. What a pussy. I'm growing one. But I can't grow facial hair. Foster, grow a mustache already. I am, it's been two weeks. Carsten Charles has settled down.

-Pizza is here. Great inning.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:

-Old dude behind left handed hitters has a neon pink hat with a vibrant red Native American on it. Have I mentioned that I think Chief Wahoo is a fucking hideously racist mascot?

-The Tribe has an offense too? Funny. Didn't hear shit about it all week. Steve Phillips...Kurkjian...motherfuckers.

-Grady caught stealing. Sucks.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

-Carsten Charles has really settled down.

-Pwned.

-Abreu can sure take a pitch. Really good at bat, shitty call tho.

-No dice A-Rod. Not much to talk about that inning.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:

-Apparantly Asdrubal is Vizquel 2.0. Fuckin' A. As I talk...GONE. The Dude says, "BAM BITCH!!" What a well-spoken lad.

-That hurts to see. LeBron...I can't stay mad at you. Pimp watch. SEASON OF DESTINY!!!1!11

-Garko 2-2. Lookin' good. FUCK JOBA.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

-Charles Carsten is on fire. Good lookin'. Gozirra goes down hard. 3 pitches. OH MY GOD. THE INDIANS ARE LEADING THE YANKEES. STOP THE PRESSES. Douchebags.

-How did that get out. That was ridiculous. Look at that douchebag cameraman. How could you honestly do that. TBS is quite shitty. Nice shot. 4-2. Settle down Carsten Charles.

-He heeded my advice. Cabrera to Cabrera. We need Drew Carey in there.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

-Willy Mays. Do some pushups.

-AC thinks Grady is dreamy. He's not happy I'm saying this. Like anyone is gonna read this anyways. FUCKING SOUND WENT OUT.

-She-male muscular types...

-Water cover 2/3 of the Earth. Grady Sizemore covers the other 1/3. Grady is batting, nice comment AC. Wang is wasting time. Fucking pussy. Fucking pussy. Steroids are wearing off. Fucking fried rice is wearing off I'll tell you what. Classy AC. Sizemore is out. Nice Pitch.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

-Tony Gwynn looks like a Blueberry. That's some good construda...blueberry.

-Apparantly down South they hit bull testicles. AC says thats how real men do it. I did not know this.

-Carsten Charles can't get a pitch on the outside corner to save his life. Froemming!!

-Double Abreu. Here comes A-Rod. Abreu is just looking to make contact, not trying to hit anything hard. A-Rod isn't getting a chance, intentional walk. Up comes Posada.

-That guy needs to stop yelling "NO NO NO NO NO." He's getting awfully annoying.

-That was huge. That is stepping up when your back is against the wall. Beckett was impressive, but the Angels aren't the Yankees. Carsten Charles is a smooth operator.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

-The Indians need some offense here. Whether they go to the pen or stick with CC, they need a little breathing room. Playoff baseball...great shit.

-Victor. What more can you say? Beat your fucking drum John Adams. Show Craig Sager your dick. WHAMMY. No doubt about that. That was about as clutch as you get. Garko up, 3 run cushion. My prediction, Carsten Charles comes out.

-John Adams is the man. One of the legendary fans. Peralta, double. AC thinks Joe Torre is a bitch. Nevermind. He's now a nice Italian.

-KENNY FUCKING LOFTON. 199 FUCKING 5. Apparantly, that's what the Dude was talking about. Bye bye Chen. It's 8:53 here, BUT ITS TRIBE TIME NOW!!!! Ross Ohlendorf is coming in.

-Todd Evans in the house. He's a good guy. I guess.

-CASEY BLAKE!!!!!!!! DOC MUST BE GOING NUTS!!!!!!!! HELL YES!!!!!!!!! 9-5!!!

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

-Random mid-game text messaging to Dude and AC's Yankee fan college buddy: Dude: Go Tribe! Yankee fan: Die all of you, you're the ninth person to text me. AC: Make it 10 bitch. Yankee fan: Stick Dude's big ass head in there(?). Typical intelligence of a belligerent Yankee fan.

-Perez can fucking deal.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

-HAFNER!!!!!!!!!!! BOMB!!!!!!!! Another one of those low line drives. Hell yes. Victor promptly knocks a double opposite field. 3-4. Hell yes. AC just compared Victor to Michael Vick.

-What has gotten into Kenny Lofton? Rick from halftimeadjustments.com totally called this on The Big Leads' blog comments. Ridiculous. This is an ass-whooping and I'm enjoying every second of this.

-Text message from Frazier: GO FUCKING TRIBE! Not the most original thing I've ever heard, but succinct and accurate none the less. Quite similar to the ass-whooping we've delivered. "The Cleveland Crushers," Chip Caray describes us as. That's just fucking terrible. TBS is pretty bad. I feel awful for Tony Gwynn, he's better than this.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:

-Hey Damon, how's your wife and my kids?

-Web Gem nominee for Gutierrez.

-Perez is one helluva pitcher.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

-Not much happened. Who you gonna bring in Wedgie?

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:

-Um. That was just about the quickest inning I have ever seen. Jensen Lewis is a helluva pitcher. He must have thrown more warmup pitches than actual pitches. A-Rod, Posada, Gozirra. Damn. Let's get a couple more.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

-Garko Insurance. That's right. PILE IT ON!!!!! Someone did predict a Garko HR. Hmm. Who is this incredibly brilliant and sexy sexy man? ME. Peralta? No.

-Definitely getting more comfortable. Again, the bullpen is the question. Do you burn Lewis and only really have Betancourt for tomorrow? Do you go to JoBo? It'll be interesting to see who Wedgie pulls out.

TOP OF THE NINTH:

-I did not expect Betancourt. Hopefully him and Lewis will be good to go tomorrow in case anything happens. Awfully interesting. Still have Laffey, Fultz. But they're not Betancourt, and after tonight, Lewis. But Betancourt is good to seal the deal, no doubt. He's throwin' darts now.

-Frazier: The Yankees are done right now. Look at them piss and moan. A good night. Nicely put Frazier. Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I could whoop the shit out of that, but for a text, you aight.

-5 hits all game. Where's that offense? It's not like they didn't have guys on base. TBS needs to get their sound fixed NOW.

-What more can I say. NOT IN MY TEEPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the Playoffs.